Black Eyed Peas - The Time (Dirty Bit)

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Um... what's hot right now?  Do those wacky kids still like 80's retro?

Black Eyed Peas
The Time (Dirty Bit)
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
William Adams
Allan Pineda
Damien LeRoy
Franke Previte
John DeNicola
Donald Markowitz
Will.i.am
DJ Ammo

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Writer(s):





Producer(s):

I've heard Black Eyed Peas used as a punchline more than I've heard their music: I know the names Fergie (from random publicity) and Will.i.am (from appearing in a godawful comic book adaptation).  No one talks about Black Eyed Peas without calling them out for being tin eared, cheesy, and possibly aiming for “so bad its good” guilty pleasure music and missing the mark.  From what I've read, they're regarded in the same way as Two & a Half Men: everyone knows it sucks, but it is wildly popular and profitable.

Comparatively, I actually kinda like the only Black Eyed Peas song I know-- “Let's Get It Started” isn't a great song or anything, but I think it's a fun Party Anthem, and it's good at what it does.  I never could marry the one song I know by them to the pervasive hate for the group.  From where I was standing, they were one for one.

And then I heard “The Time (Dirty Bit)” and every snippit of internet snark ever launched in the Black Eyed Peas' direction came flooding back into my brain.  Suddenly, it makes sense that there's a collective groan every time these guys drop a single, that each new song is treated like it deserves a human rights tribunal.  If “The Time (Dirty Bit)” is any indication of their other output, I'd rather not hear it.

While the production is sharp and shiny (the bass punches, the synths swirl), the music itself is the worst of amateur half-assedness.  My first instinct is to compare it to the songs made with the BuzzTracker freeware in the early 90s, but it would be too disrespectful to tracker musicians as a whole-- even the bedroom keyboard junkies aren't obsessed with sample retriggers and trance-gates to the point of butchering this song's last chorus into stuttery, choppy word salad.

The nonsensical and ill-timed cuts are predicted by the lead in to the first verse: after the intro, the word “you” is clipped and repeated in traditional rave-up form.  I have nothing against that (I've used it myself), but it's just so badly implemented here-- instead of building excitement and anticipation of the next beat dropping, it's overlong and annoying.  These are symptoms of somebody toying with their very first sampler... how does this kind of tin-eared obnoxiousness show up in the product of megastars and hit makers?

All of this reflects how annoying the song is without addressing the quality of the songwriting or the lyrics. We could end now, call this a Run!, and still wouldn't have addressed the fact that about a quarter of the run time of the song is actually a cover of The Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing... but where's the fun in that?  Seriously, if you want to hear someone autotune their way through the chorus of a soundtrack tie-in hit from the mid 80's, this is your song.

(I just re-read that last paragraph.  It gets more ridiculous the longer I think about it.)

No one's going to be surprised to discover that the lyrics are pretty stupid.  I find it baffling that people tried to make a laughingstock of Rebecca Black for the awful lyrics in Friday, but somehow the Black Eyed Peas can toss out gems like “I was born to get wild, that's my style.  If you didn't know that, well, baby, now you know now” with impunity.  There's an implied rhyme between “style” and “now,” too-- if you want to mock idiots singing a bad song, leave the thirteen year old girl alone and turn your attention to the Black Eyed Peas: these are adults, and they weren't handed these words by some mercenary company. They actually wrote these lyrics.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Britney's next single: "Did It Hurt (When You Fell from Heaven)?"

Britney Spears
Hold it Against Me
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Feb 24, 2011
Max Martin
Lukasz Gottwald
Bonnie McKee
Mathieu Jomphe
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Billoard

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):



Producer(s):

I suppose it was inevitable. I didn't know it when I started this, but Britney Spears has yet to go away... so, of course, she still shows up on the charts. I consider her the archetypal Pop Tart: the Prime Pop Tart from which all the teen girl pop stars have been generated for over ten years now. I'm not entirely sure why, but Brittney's a legend, in her own way: not even my media blackout could miss her legacy. She's been more headline than music for a long, long time, but with Lindsey Lohan (and more recently, Charlie Sheen) occupying the Celebrity Flame Out division of watercooler gossip, I'd foolishly assumed there was no more Britney Spears.

Seeing as this is coming after the gratingly talentless Taio Cruz, it actually sounds pretty good-- the complaints I have against Cruz's generic, limp backing tracks are thrown into sharp contrast by a grinding, propulsive rhythm and a lot of energy... which makes plenty of sense: the Spears product has always been backed by world-class pop producers and writers. It'd be more surprising if the song didn't sound pretty good. Pop stars of this pedigree usually have their singles arrive platinum dipped and diamond sparkling, and “Hold It Against Me” is custom tooled for maximum wow factor.

Until the chorus.

Oh... that chorus. Let's sidestep the obvious for a second and concentrate on the music: after building a driving track that demands attention, the chorus makes all of that interest disappear in a puff of smoke... energyless, bland smoke. In club music, this kind of sound (washes of spacey synths, pulling back the beat) is done for a short breath before the rhythm hits again-- it's usually dramatic and makes a dancefloor explode. Here, it stays too quiet too long; the whole chorus is a really ho-hum affair, which is even worse in a pop song where this part was supposed to be the hook.

If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

Cause you feel like paradise
And I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

The chorus, unfortunately is “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” No, really. That is the song, essentially-- she has to make a rhyme of it, so the actual chorus is “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me,” but she actually recites the joke, direct from 101 Cheesy Pick-Up Lines, in the middle break, doing her best breathy sex-kitten voice.

Besides being one of the stupidest lyrics ever written, it's just... so... childish. There's nothing actually sexy about the stock pop “I want your body.” Britney's image has become more than a little trashy: now that the tabloids and the internet have made headlines of her being a dirty, dirty girl, her lyrics (no matter how hard they try not to be) sound like awkward come-ons from the fumbling and inexperienced. The irony here is that she was catapulted to stardom as a virginal Disney princess, preaching purity while wearing an outfit that had more in common with  an adult costume store than a Catholic school.

The whole thing just sort of crumbles under its own weight: the music shoots itself in the foot every time the chorus comes up, and the lyrics achieve a level of stupidity few bad songs ever approach. And, seriously, after so many years, who would have thought Britney Spears, the Prime Pop Tart, would be so bad at being sexy?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taio Cruz - Higher

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Really?  People listen to Taio Cruz?  At least his rhyming's slightly better this time

Taio Cruz
Higher
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Feb 24, 2011
Taio Cruz
Sandy Vee
Sandy Vee
Taio Cruz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Taio Cruz is a fantastic example of my finger not being on the pulse of tastes in popular music. “Dynamite” has been my example of moronic writing combined with music that represents the least possible effort since it originally popped up on this site-- my first taste of Cruz begged the question “How is this song on the radio?” Having him pop up again is a little shocking, and has me asking “How does this guy have a career?”

To be fair, “Higher” isn't nearly as bad as “Dynamite.” It's a bad song, sure, but it's not going to be my standard reference point for terrible writing. Hell, it even name-drops Breakin' characters in the first verse (technically Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, but the characters are the same), which flirts with actual cleverness... but it's also the contribution of Travie McCoy, not the kind of lyrics Cruz can take credit for.

I do this just for kicks just for the thrill
I got this high without taking a pill
This groove has got me way over the sun
I'm dancin like I am the only one

Taio Cruz is still one of the worst lyricists this side of Creed, but in a shocking improvement over “Dynamite,” the words actually rhyme. Sure, they sound like they were written by a twelve-year-old, and for some reason he dramatically repeats the last word of every line (“I got this high without taking a pill. Pill!”), but “thrill” and “pill” actually do rhyme. It's awful, but it's still a measurable improvement.

Musically... what could I expect? It's another stock backing track that sounds like it was taken directly from those “Everything you need to start making techno! Now!” CDs from the early 90's, and the song itself actually feels more dated than that... there's a distinctly 80's bubblegum feel to it. I know, I know... there was no house influence in 80's pop, but it still conjures that vibe.

Taio Cruz is still an amalgamation of dance track clichés, bad lyrics, and generic-sounding backing tracks: all things I've derided ad nauseum (and derided him specifically for them), so there's almost nothing more to write. I'm still baffled by his success and annoyed when I have to hear him.

It is nice that he's not still trying to rhyme “dance” with “plans,” though.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Ke$ha - Blow

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Ke$ha might not be too bright, but her handlers, trainers, and writers probably are.

Ke$ha
Blow
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
Feb 10, 2011
Kesha Sebert
Klas Åhlund
Lukasz Gottwald
Allan Grigg
Benjamin Levin
Max Martin
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Benny Blanco
Kool Kojak

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):





Producer(s):

Actually, I'm a little familiar with Ke$ha: she's the blonde pop star that looks like she came from the factory that manufactures porn stars. I saw her playing a ridiculous laser-synth on Saturday Night Live, trying her best to look like she was having fun (you'd think PornBot Industries would have better “pretending to enjoy what you're doing” software by now)-- to me, Ke$ha usually seems like she's trying to remember complex instructions beyond her understanding, but she's always struggling to look like she's not frightened and confused.

Back door cracked
We don't need a key
We get in for free
No VIP sleaze
Drink that Kool-Aid
Follow my lead
Now you're one of us
You're coming with me

Which is fine, I suppose, because this isn't a half bad club track. Ke$ha's only got a few lines in the verses (which are moronic, sure, but from what I can tell, that's sort of her trademark), but the whole thing hinges on the chorus, which is nothing more than the word “Blow” with a robotic “This place about to” pasted on top of it. The song basically makes a synth lead out of her voice: autotuned to inhumanity, harmonized into a rave chord, and sliced up with a trance gate to give it some rhythm. It stops being Ke$ha and is a mostly inoffensive dance song.

I know, I know... I'm just trying to
drive home my "Interchangeable
Porn Bot" theory.

Until she gets her “rap” verse. I do really hate the valley girl “nya!” sound that skinny pop stars use to hint at their wild bad-assery. If the lyric is “make it rain,” why does it have to be said “make it rayn?” She didn't sound like that for any of the song up til now, and all of the sudden she just manifested a Paris Hilton whine. This song is at its best when it leaves Ke$ha's “personality” out of it.

This is the second song in a row that begins with a fake laugh, too, and while Chris Brown sounds like he's being a dick, Ke$ha sounds more like an actress in over her head-- she just can't convey mirth. I can't quite figure out why they left it in... that laugh goes a long way to support my theory that she's a mannequin they put up on stage while dance music plays.

Honestly, if the pop star doesn't need to write any of the words or music and the voice can be manipulated by a computer so that singing skills are a non-issue, why wouldn't a record company order a new robot from the porn actress factory and use it for videos and album covers? Make sure it's young and pretty, get a new one every few years, and use it to sell their product.

It doesn't make for great music, but it's been a successful business strategy for years.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Yolanda Be Cool - We No Speak Americano

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

and the award for Song No One Has Any Reason To Listen To When Not Dancing goes to...

Yolanda Be Cool
We No Speak Americano
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
Jan 13, 2011
Johnson Peterson

Sylvester Martinez

Duncan Maclennan

Renato Carosone

Nicola Salerno

Johnson Peterson

Sylvester Martinez

Duncan Maclennan

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):




Producer(s):

The last time I reviewed this song, I wondered if I could get away with a one line review... and now I'm spilling more (virtual) ink on the awful thing; it is slightly less awful without Pitbull chanting “Bon Bon Bon Bon” every couple seconds. It's still a Run, no question, but it benefits, as most songs do, from the lack of bon bon bonning.

Aside from that, there's almost nothing to say; it's an old standard that's been chopped up and had a dance beat added to it. At least when Rednex decided to make a dance-floor anthem out of “Cotton-Eyed Joe,” they actually recorded a cover version of the folk standard-- adding a simple beat to a1950s novelty tune barely even counts as a remix, no matter how many times they loop the instrumental sections.

Counting my blessings, the most annoying repetition in the Pitbull version is lessened here: the bleeping lead line made from a single horn sample is there, but it's not a constant irritant, quacking away through the entire song.  It also eventually changes (gasp!)

I'm not sure this song is anything but a kick drum thump meant to keep people dancing. It's barely a song, and there's hardly anything to say about it, other than I never want to hear it again.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Flo Rida - Club Can't Handle Me

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

The cookie cutter may be the same, but at least the cookies taste slightly better

Flo Rida
Club Can't Handle Me
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Jan 13, 2011
Tramar Dillard
Carmen Key
Kasia Livingston
Mike Caren
David Guetta
Frédéric Riesterer
Giorgio Tuinfort
David Guetta
Frédéric Riesterer

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):






Producer(s):

I've often complained about the eurodisco/house-derived dance music being stamped out of a rusty and overused cookie cutter (somebody clean that thing!), but what always grates is not so much an adherence to formula as the laziness and lack of ambition. What I really hate is music that sounds like it was tossed off in 10 minutes (one beat, four chords, modulate for the chorus... okay, done). There's a place for music assembled by downloading a couple royalty-free loops and throwing them together in a prescribed pattern: it's called the internet... where bedroom music amateurs, pornography, make-up tutorial videos, and crank critics share space. The thoughtless, thrown-together music backing Taio Cruz and Rihanna belong on the radio as much as I belong in the New York Times.

(I'm dying for the ironic comeuppance of that last bit to strike... from either side)

With all that in mind, “Club Can't Handle Me” isn't half bad-- it's completely a product of it's house-based formula, sure, but some work went into writing it. There are music breaks in the verses, including hard stops and a weird, wavetable-sounding freakout in the bass (check out the crazy synth at 1:01), and there's a chord suspension that stetches lines in the third verse and actually builds anticipation. The beat is standard, but at least offers a few breaks, and the whole thing actually sounds dance-floor ready; it doesn't sound like sluggish pop written for housecleaning or car stereo commutes, it is meant to bounce in a club.

Is it just me, or is there a $50 Casio (set to Violin) playing the base chords to Lennon's “Imagine” in the beginning of this song?

You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you I'm watchin you we go all out
The club can't even handle me right now

Lyrically, there's almost no conversation to have: there's not a single workable rhyme in the chorus, and the verses are just bouncy rhythm (Flo Rida claims to be “arrogant, like yeah,”) but I really don't care that much... nothing in the lyrics strikes me in any way, neither clever nor irritating. I can always do without “put your hands up” chanting, but after the horror this genre's inflicted on me, “Club Can't Handle Me” feels pretty innocuous.

I suppose it's all a matter of perspective: I've heard so much dance music that can't be played in war zones for fear of violating the Geneva Convention, I'm disproportionately impressed by a song that would at least cause a debate within the tribunal. Truth be told, it's not even a very good song... but it isn't offensively awful, and it deserves some credit for being better than so many of its peers.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Sean Kingston - Letting Go

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

And now, a four minute meditation on the duttiness of love

Sean Kingston
Letting Go (Dutty Love)
Club Anthem
#98 (Low)
Dec 23, 2010
Ester Dean
Tor Hermansen
Mikkel Eriksen
Sean Kingston
Onika Maraj
Stargate

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):




Producer(s):

At the onset, I just don't get the refrain. What the hell does “Dutty dutty dutty dum dum” mean? “Dutty” is just not in my vocabulary. I'm not sure if the love is dutty or not, but I get the feeling that the chorus could be “do do do do do do da da” without any real impact on the song (losing the duttiness isn't going to change the meaning) and though I'm almost never a fan of do do dos, they aren't measurably worse than dutty dutty dutty.

Kingston has basically Caribbean'd me out of this song (so... “dutty” is “dirty,” then?), and I really can't make out any of the words; between the accent and the egregious use of autotune, I can't get much out of the verses but the rhythm. This is the worst autotune I've heard: there are digital jumps and skips in the middle of syllables. The words sound like they've been thrown into a blender.

While we're stuck with those annoying raver synths and autotune abuse, at least they're not using that stock house beat. I guess if the whole thing is a happy, sunny dance track, it's all about the rhythm anyway, so I've got to be thankful that at least the rhythm was done with some skill.

Also, I can't figure Nicki Minaj out-- she's obviously talented; her part in “Monster” was too good to be coincidence or blind luck. Usually when she pops up in a song, though, it's just not that interesting (leaning towards “annoying,”) and this is another tune where she doesn't really offer much.

Content-wise, I think the song is mostly about loosening up and having fun... I'm still having a tough time figuring out how that meshes with dutty (dirty?) love, but then again, if the refrain is “dutty dutty dutty dum dum,” maybe I shouldn't worry too much about it making sense.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Enrique Iglesias - I Like It

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Another thing Enrique likes: Not trying too hard

Enrique Iglasias
I Like It
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 23, 2010
Enrique Iglesias
Nadir Khayat
Armando Pérez
Lionel Richie
RedOne

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):



Producer(s):

The spots around #11 are still jammed up with songs I've already reviewed, so we groan and head into the next euro dance pop track... I'm not about to pretend that this song isn't all kinds of terrible, but it is pretty lively. Sure, “I Like It” is guilty of everything I hate about this stuff (stock house synths, autotuned vocals, uninventive beats, moronic lyrics, and a structure so dated and overused it might be template included in Apple's Garageband studio software), but it is slightly less guilty than a lot of songs in its weight class. That it has any lively bounce at all is pretty helpful; most songs like this are so lifeless and stale-sounding I can't imagine anyone dancing to them.

Past that, all of my previous complaints remain valid-- can we please, please, stop holding four chords on a trancegate-equipped keyboard and setting it to a house beat? I don't want to keep complaining about it, but it just keeps happening. Since it all happens in exactly the same way, the songs grouped together by this laziness are all pretty indistinguishable...

Lyrically... okay, let's just all admit that the words to this song don't matter. This song, written from a guy's perspective, implies: “You there, hot girl with whom I already have a sexual connection. We can hook up tonight, and though there's a little bit of flirting going on right now, we'll be fucking less than ten minutes after we leave the club.” It says: “Know the way you're sexy dancing implies we'll be fucking soon? I like that.”

Well, duh.

Next up, a song about how good food tastes when you're hungry.

Or about how being in love is better than being sad. (Oh hell, I just tripped over the delta between broad satire and actual songs.)

The bridge offers two concepts that smack of an overt 80'sness: shaking your love (which has been lying dormant since the era of Debbie Gibson), and not stopping until you get enough (who was that guy with the one glove? I seem to remember him being a really good dancer). This doesn't really bother me that much-- if a dance/club/party song is free of the kind of lyrical atrocities you'll find in Dynamite, I'll give it a pass.

This is the second Pitbull guest spot, and I think I like him in that role. Granted, “Bon Bon” was nails-on-a-chalkboard bad, but I kind of like him rapping the guest verse in these dance songs. Then again, I don't really like these dance songs, so by the time Pitbull shows up, he's usually a break in the drudgery that comes with generic-sounding tracks.

My most enduring complaint is that it's just another one of these songs... When track after track is just the same song over again, it's awfully hard to write anything about them. The lyrics aren't as stupid as Taio Cruz's and the beats aren't as limp as Rihanna's, but it's not really much different from those songs either.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Far East Movement - Like a G6

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

An uptempo dance track about a downtempo chill scene.
Scanning for self-aware irony: None detected.

Far East Movement
Like a G6
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 9, 2010
Jae Choung

Virman Coquia

Niles Holowell-Dhar

Kevin Nishimura

James Roh

David Singer-Vine
The Cataracs

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):





Producer(s):

Well there it is: the dreaded G6 song. This was the song that sat at Billboard's #1 when I started looking into how to tackle this project, it was #1 when I began writing, and stayed #1 even after that. “Like a G6” is absolutely the reason I didn't pick the number one song of any week as a review, a song would get there and just sit for weeks at a time... and still, I wondered about the song itself.

I wasn't so curious as to go out and listen to it until it landed on my review list-- let's not go nuts (I'm pretty much at capacity for pop hits. I'm not seeking out extras.) Camping at the top spot could could mean anything (iTunes sales to kids obsessed with sizzurp? Label payola?) Maybe the song's success is a result of the song itself being really good.

Stranger things have happened... but I'm glad I didn't have my hopes up.

Truth be told, this thing isn't that bad-- it's a total club song, even if the lyrics are the polar opposite of the music, this is a classic 303-style squelchy bassline with a retro drum machine beat (the lyrics call out the 808). It's probably done with emulators or soundalikes, because no one can afford a real TB-303 or TR-808 these days, but it's okay by me. High art it's not, and it can't compete with something that has great beats and music (I was listening to “Chonkyfire” off Aquemini today), but it is better than the limp beats I've heard from Will.i.am and so many others. “Like a G6” sounds like it belongs in a club; it actually sounds like people would dance to it. This beat is bangin' in exactly the way "Check It Out"s is not.

Poppin bottles in the ice
like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right
gettin slizzer'd
Sippin sizzurp in my ride
like Three 6
Now I'm feelin so fly
like a G6

and that's a bit of the problem: lyrically, this is not supposed to be a banging club track. The lyrics are all about getting slizzer'd on sizzurp (there's a wikipedia entry for it under Purple Drank; the wiki doesn't use the actual word, but that's sizzurp: codeine based cough syrup and soda), the flagship drink of chopped & screwed remixes. The chorus even calls out the Three 6 Mafia, formative in the style, but chopped & screwed tracks are slooooooow, sedated even, and not really built for dance clubs.

I probably have to explain: Michelle, our singer, showed us all Lil Jon, and his chopped & screwed remixes were the first I ever heard. Personally, I think it's pretty cool... and I have some love for Lil Jon, too. Whatever you think of him, Lil Jon's got a unique sound and infuses everything he does with his own distinct personality (and, if you can find it, track down the deleted-from-YouTube Lil Jon/Lazytown mashup. That thing rules). Regardless, this is one area where I'm slightly less of a hermit... I'm no authority, sure, but it doesn't take much to figure a sizzurp sippin, Three Six bumpin night doesn't end up at the dance clubs that play “Like a G6.”

Also, what the hell's a G6? Everyone seems to think it's a jet... but I can't find it. Claims made after the song became popular say it's slang for a Gulfstream G650, but I can't dig up anyone calling that plane a “G6” anywhere but in a reference to this song. If someone can offer up any information that Far East Movement isn't picking random syllables so they can rhyme with a call-out to the Three 6 Mafia, let me know. Right now, I'm unconvinced, and I'm going to dictate that any episodes of Fringe that are boring be called “Boringe” so we can finally have a word that rhymes with “orange.” It's no less arbitrary than what's going on here.

Generally, that's where I am with the song: it's not a bad dance track, but it's got antithetical lyrics and strangely Electroclash vocals in the chorus (now there's a fad whose 15 minutes couldn't end quickly enough.) I don't hate it, but it would definitely get on my nerves if I had to listen to it more than I just have.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Pitbull - Bon Bon

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job!

Pitbull
Bon Bon
Club Anthem
#99 (Low)
Dec 2, 2010
Matthew Handley
Nicola Salerno
Armando C. Perez
Andrew Stanley
Duncan Maclennan
Renato Carosone
Yolanda Be Cool & D Cup
Nicola Fasano

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):





Producer(s):

You're kidding, right? No, seriously.

Okay, if they're calling this a complete song, can I just write “Bon bon bon bon” as my review and call it done?

No fair! Double standard!

The problem here is that I have nothing to write about. There's one synth line, which sounds like it ought to back Sonic the Hedgehog racing across the screen... except simpler (would have been too much to ask for three notes, guys? Is the two note line as much work as you're willing to put in?). The beat actually has some nice layers but, like the synth line, it never changes. If you've heard 30 seconds of this song, you've heard the whole thing; unfortunately, you keep hearing it for 3:30.

Somehow, it took six people to write this... sort of.  Looking up the writer/producer credits, I discovered this was an immediate remix/cover of another song still on the charts; I don't know how the "writing" credits break down between Pitbull's track and the original composition.  Nevertheless, nothing this simple should have that many names attached.

Another difficulty I'm having is a lack of Spanish; I don't speak a word, so all I get from this song is the neverending chant of “Bon bon bon bon,” which, much like every other aspect of this song, is repeated too often and for too long. It. Just. Won't. Stop! Please make it stop!

Google Translate seems to imply that this is a Club track, and I can't imagine this song working in any other way: dance to the beat. You have three and a half minutes of uninterrupted kick drum, and even the bon bon bons are more percussion than lyrics, so the only thing I can imagine anyone getting from this track is a beat by which to dance.

Beyond that, it's likely to get stuck in your head the way repetitive children's music will lodge itself in the lizard center of your brain. “Bon Bon” is the “I Love You” of dance music; Pitbull is Barney.

One more note before I flee from this song forever: the lyrical highlight from Google Translate is “Lady Gaga tell I'm putting together a scandalous manner.”

 

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Trey Songz - Bottoms Up

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Not bad.  Nice to hear a club track not so interested in boonch boonch boonch

Trey Songz
Bottoms Up
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 2, 2010
Tremaine Neverson
Onika Maraj
Edrick Miles
Tony Scales
Daniel Johnson
Kane Beatz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):




Producer(s):

Had a busy weekend (just back from Portland), so I'm running a bit late in my writing, but I have been listening to this week's offerings and... yeesh. If last week had some pleasant surprises, this week is overcompensating. No worries, though, because while I agree with Brad Bird's mouthpiece Anton Ego that “the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so,” but I also agree with the statement in Ratatouille that precedes that phrase: negative criticism is fun to write and to read. I love to be pleasantly surprised by the good, but sometimes bad is its own reward.

Pause for snarky retort. I don't disagree. And moving on...

“Bottoms Up,” this week's opening salvo, really isn't bad at all; it's a Club Anthem, sure, but it's not built on the 4-on-the-floor pre-fab beat and has a lot of neat turns in the melody. There's even some counterpoint in there (hey! counterpoint!), and some fun call and response as well:

My vision's blurred (confirmed!)
My words slurred (confirmed!)

It's good to have people that will confirm this type of thing for you.

Since this is a song about drinking in the club, dancing, and appreciating the way the girl is shakin' in them jeans, it's probably not fair to condemn it for having lyrics that are a little on the dumb side. The words are a frame to hang a lot of cool melodies within the slow swagger of a drowsy, euphorically drunk track.

It's a little strange when MC Chris shows up at the end-- I knew he went by MC Pee Pants on Aquateen Hunger Force, but apparently he uses Nicki Minaj as a pseudonym as well. I'm only half kidding; she really sounds like MC Chris, and (like him) she's somewhat endearing but still kind of annoying. Her best attributes are when she steps outside her normal flow and either gets little-bird-dainty (“excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm really such a lady”) or gravelly mean (“double my dosage”), but I think she's the weakest link in this chain.

This song is definitely well done, and I'm all for Trey Songz unseating lesser artists on the charts, but, stepping back to the wider perspective, I just played shows with Absence of Light and Order of the Gash, and crammed my sweaty self into a sold out Kylesa show... this club track really isn't going to capture my attention. Remember: until I fired up this blog, I never listened to big pop acts. One of these radio hits has to be pretty special to get shoulder-to-shoulder with the music in my real life.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Usher - DJ Got Us Fallin In Love

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Damnit Usher, we talked about this...

Usher
DJ Got Us Fallin In Love
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 18, 2010
CurrentHiphop

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

God damn it, Usher, I told you how I felt about this one-- back when it was crowding around the #3 spot (back when I was reviewing #3 as the "high" number Billboard entry), this was the first song I ever skipped. Now it's back, and I don't have a loophole that'll get me out of it this time. I'm blaming you for sticking me with this thing (after your redemptive turn last week).

And why are reviews of your songs directed to you personally? I don't do that for anyone else... not even Cee Lo, and I'm seriously considering buying his album.

The reason I didn't want to review this is not because it's bad, per se, but because it's so damned boring. I was already struggling for something worthy of comment the first time this song popped up... and that was before the last handful of stock techno club anthems. Seriously, what can I say about that ever present drum beat, the stock house chords, etcetera, etcetera? I'm getting bored just trying to list why this is boring. 

So remember the last time we talked? I admit that song wasn't brain-bendingly awful, and I have to say I like this song less than that... but, post-Taio Cruz, I know just how lousy these Club Anthems can get so I can't hate this song too much: this song is a standard house-based dance pop song, but in the first verse, when the filter sweeps down on the synth's rhythm chords, it's an indicator that someone did some work on the music. It's still hanging out with the cliché I always complain about, but at least it doesn't sound like you're singing over a royalty free backing track you downloaded on a whim.

Oh-- and you're not fooling anyone: the carpe diem (I suppose it's technically carpe noctem) lyrics about how we all live tonight like there's just right now, keep downin' drinks like there's no tomorrow, and hey... haven't we met before? Dude, she knows you're just trying to get her into bed. You're going to have to search out midwest farm girls if you want to find a lady who hasn't heard that one before, and you're not going to find many in metropolitan dance clubs.

The song actually has some energy and sounds danceable, which is a step up from the lifeless and boring “dance” songs I keep hearing. Pitbull's guest verse is raspy and crunky (he's not Lil Jon or anything, but he's a great change of pace), and, hey: I actually get the “boys get loose like Waka Flocka” reference. For as bored as I am with these songs, this is the best Club Anthem of the bunch so far... 

Seriously, though, I don't want to listen to any more dance pop based on decades-dusty house music. Can you please make them all go away?

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taio Cruz – Dynamite

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Ever wanted to hear someone rhyme "dance" with "plans" over lazily stolen house music? Here's your chance.

Taio Cruz
Dynamite
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 11, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

The first and most obvious thing I noticed about "Dynamite" was the thuddingly clichéd bad-techno arrangement. How is the world not sick of this yet? I've only been doing this for a few weeks and I'm starting to have weird, Pavlovian negative reinforcement responses to anything that boonch boonch boonchs. I don't want to keep harping on my not hating electronic music (I don't hate dance music! I swear!), but the problem is the lifeless, lazy, boring recycling of the most mundane tropes of a scene that was pretty played out a decade ago.

It wasn't so long ago that music critics were claiming that Rock Is Dead, usually as a caption beneath a picture of the Chemical Brothers or Prodigy. The reason wasn't that the guitar was boring and the synth reigned supreme-- it was that the new electronic guys at the time were sparkling with life and creativity, and the rich and lazy rock gods were... well... they were the ones recycling boring clichés and churning out mundane retreads.

But here I am, listening to Taio Cruz... and it's just so... wimpy. I can't imagine anything this stale actually getting someone on the dance floor.

That's it: I'm writing a letter to Skinny Puppy. Maybe they can save us.

Even if Skinny Puppy came to our rescue and saved dance music from itself (wow-- I live in a really weird fantasy wonderland, don't I?), I don't think they could save Taio from himself. If we stop discussing the things that are always wrong with these songs (autotune, cookie cutter arrangements, boring beats), we're still stuck with the worst lyrics this side of Steve Miller. Observe:

I came to dance
I hit the floor, cause that's my plans
I'm wearing all my favorite brands
Give me some space for both my hands

First, only “hands” and “brands” actually rhyme... and this is not complex stuff. We're not turning interesting lyrical circles here. Trying to make dancing more than one “plan” doesn't actually help the fact that “plans” doesn't rhyme with “dance.” And seriously, your favorite brands? Okay, verse two:

I came to move
Get out the way of me and my crew
I'm in the club so I'm gonna do
Just what [censored] came here to do

Well, “do” and “crew” do actually rhyme, but neither of them even come close to rhyming with “move.” Again, not only are these not tricky lyrics, these are not tough words to rhyme-- find a rhyming dictionary and see what comes up for “move.” Or better yet, “do.”

Apparently, finding something to rhyme with “do” was such a challenge, Taio just gave up and rhymed “do” with... (ugh. too hard to think of a rhyming word) with “do.” That good, right? Brain hurt. No more think of rhyme.

Okay, time for the chorus:

Cause we gon' rock this club
We gon' roll all night
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Cause I told you once
Now I told you twice
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Beautiful, isn't it? But let's focus on my favorite part of this chorus: the “I told you once, now I told you twice.” This makes no sense... partly because he's only told us once, and has yet to tell us a second time, but also because it is obviously a filler line, with no real meaning of its own, and it still doesn't rhyme with the “rock this club, roll all night” it's supposed to match. This makes no sense: there's no shortage of words to rhyme with “night,” and (let's face it) “I told you once, I told you twice” isn't exactly the lyric holding the song together. Not only does it not make sense and not rhyme, but it also gets more useless as the song goes on: by the second chorus, he hasn't told us once... this is the third time he's telling us.

I've never spent this much time on lyrics before but these are just... so... stupid. I realize that dance music can have bad lyrics and still succeed, but that requires the music to be good (or at least energetic), and that gets us back to the start of this review. That a song this incompetent in every conceivable way is somehow popular kind of blows my hair back.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Chris Brown - Yeah 3x

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Chris Brown
Yeah 3x
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

Seeing Chris Brown return makes me think about how compromised my view of him is. Since I love The Onion and I read The Onion's AVClub (which cares little for celebrity gossip, but finds humor in hubris, spectacle, and larger than life ridiculousness), I can't help but know that Chris Brown plead guilty to domestic abuse, put a backhanded apology video on YouTube, and tends to whine narcissisticly when he catches flak for hitting girls. When I hear a Chris Brown song, it's not just the song: there's a lot of backstory attached.

Putting my distaste for this guy aside, my image of him is basically informed by violence-- blood and bruises. So now that I've listened to two of his songs... why does he sound like such a pussy? “Yeah 3x” is basically the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” but even if I think Pink's attitude is a put-on, she still sounds like she'd kick this guy's ass in front of the club. So does Adam Lambert, guyliner and all, now that I think of it. Hell, Willow Smith sounds more intense than this guy.

And when I say this is the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” I mean it-- the chorus is “Hold your glasses up, people everywhere, now everybody put your hands in the air. Say: Yeah Yeah Yeah.” I know... pure poetry. And I was starting to worry that put your hands in the air was fading from the limelight-- we've got to thank ole' Chris for keeping that torch burning,

Among other things: Chris Brown is also a revivalist for the Non-Threatening Rap Verse Towards The End Of A Non-Threatening Pop Song, the likes of which I haven't heard since Bobby Brown contributed to the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. Chris Brown's entry (ending with “So DJ turn it loud, and watch me turn it up. Don't worry about it, we here to party, so Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!”) is so moronic I'm actually getting nostalgic for almost-rhymes about Vigo, the master of evil.

I'll be shocked if this guy writes any kind of music; this amazingly bland techno pop is the kind of prefabricated non-music I always complain about, and I'm sure it was handed to him by a producer. There's not a single note sung where his voice isn't autotuned, so, after two songs with Chris Brown, I'm pretty sure he can't sing (or he would have done it by now) and I'm not sure he's demonstrated any skills or talent.

I have been told that Chris Brown is an exceptionally beautiful man... I imagine that's how he got this job. He doesn't seem to do anything: he's a pop singer who can't (or at least doesn't) sing, so I figure he's there to model and pose. That starts to put the violence in perspective, too-- all the whining and egotism from Brown in the wake of his headlines hint that this is not a comfortable guy. I wonder how great the divide is between his self image and his public image.

It probably doesn't matter-- he's got his name on a song that is one of the worst so far. A lot of the songs I've disliked have been generic retreads of techno-pop, but this one is so wimpy and lifeless it even fails at being recycled dance music. I doubt the music took longer than ten minutes to assemble, the lyrics were written by a 3^rd grader, and it's sung by a computer.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rihanna - Only Girl (In the World)

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Rihanna
Only Girl (In the World)
Club Anthem
#4 (High)
Oct 21, 2010
YouTube

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

I guess it was bound to happen, but I didn't expect it so soon in the project-- Nelly's not letting go of that #3 spot. Makes sense that the upper echelons aren't going to move much, packed in at the front of the line and pushing... so in order to avoid repeats, I slid back one.

And, hey, look, it's Rihanna! I've never listened to her before, but I have at least heard of her: I know one thing about Rihanna (I'll just link you back to Chris Brown). So this is the first of many techno-themed pop songs in my cue this week... I'm calling it a club anthem because this thing doesn't really seem to live by its lyrics. But techno seems to be my overriding theme this week.

A little backstory (looks like this project is going to be rife with backstory, anecdotes, and colloquial asides... sorry, but that's just me)-- I remember when a group of friends, gathered in a living room, had someone break out a tape of new music, called “house.” The rave scene was still underground, and though electronic music had been around for a long time (I had a thing for Art of Noise when I was in high school), none of us had heard of house music. The stuff I had at the time didn't age well, but for a short bout it was exciting simply because is was so different from everything else.

A lot of that music's elements are everywhere now-- current music is awash in boonch, boonch, boonch beats and fixed-interval oscillator detunes. Don't get me wrong: I'm not against any kind of electronica in general, and I'm very much for new sounds entering the musical lexicon: it gives us all a bigger sandbox to play in.

Some of this problem might be my preconceptions, because I usually assume that the R&B stars have a bedrock of funkiness, and I'm heading into week 2 and haven't heard a hint of funk yet. The house movement might have had one thing on it's mind (just like this song): Dance Dance Dance! But with the robotic mechanics of the inhuman beats and sequenced synths, it was profoundly unfunky. It was the anti-funk.

I can't hold this song responsible for my pre-conceived notions, but my other problem is, while I think it's cool that myriad styles can be incorporated into new music, this doesn't borrow from the house movement: it's basically the same bad dance music that hit mTV in the early 90's. It's a 2 Unlimited song. And I'm not about to champion 2 Unlimited, but at least they were working with the new trend in music... this doesn't borrow from dance music from the early 90's, it doesn't incorporate elements of, draw inspiration from, re-interpret ideas of, borrow a cup of sugar from, or sneak down the alley behind 20-year-old techno-pop songs. It is a 20-year-old techno-pop song.  The call is coming from inside the house!

It's just so played out. My problem with that cliche'd autotune effect-- that cliché is newer than this cliché. The prefab backing track of this song actually has dust on it... but I'll bet the club goes crazy when they play it on a saturday night. It just baffles me when I hear this kind of thing spilling out of the radio via the open window of a passing car.

Why would anyone listen to this while sitting down?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell: