Bruno Mars - Marry You

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I'm saying "No no no no no"

Bruno Mars
Marry You
Marriage Porn
#98 (Low)
Dec 16, 2010
Bruno Mars
Plilip Lawrence
Ari Levine
The Smeezingtons

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It just gets worse and worse! If this song had balls, it would be receiving quick, repeated kicks until it crawled, whimpering, back into whatever kind of hole spews this annoying junk forth. I know I usually wait until discussing the song a little bit before digging into lyrics, but when the refrain is “Don't say no no no no no, just say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, and we'll go go go go go, if you're ready,” you don't want to bury the lead: that's precisely how stupid this song is.

I'm sure proposals scored by this thing are conducted by people who would look down their nose at Rascal Flats, but “Marry You” is even more frustrating because it's so smug and cutesy. It's no less Marriage Porn for it, either, complete with churchbells (which I think are playing the bell melody from They Might Be Giants' “The Bells Are Ringing” in the chorus, and “I Melt with You” in the intro) in the arrangement.

It's a beautiful night
We're looking for something dumb to do
Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you
Is it the look in your eyes
or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby
I think I wanna marry you

Since it contains the title, I'm going to assume the “Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you” part is the chorus, though the “just say yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah” stuff is repeated about as often (and was probably the hook that sold the single). Regardless, it sounds awfully condescending-- getting married is his idea of something dumb to do, just to pass the time, and he's not even certain if this whim is inspired by the girl or the drink.

Quick answer: if you're not sure if it's the booze or not, you're too drunk to be making a decision like this. Do us all a favor and sleep on it.

Also, for a song called “Marry You,” I don't think there's a single mention of love.  It is vocally in support of letting the choir bells sing "like ooooh," (which, by the way, is not the sound bells make), but it doesn't have anything to say about love.

The repetition of the two parts I've already quoted make up most of the running time of the song, but one of the few other lines is “Who cares if we're trash, got a pocket full of cash we can blow.” I'm sure it's meant to be quirky, but it's probably also an honest reflection of what the writers think of their audience.

I haven't mentioned it in a while because I don't want to repeat myself by continually harping on Autotune, but this is an example of the other way it can be misapplied... like Billy Joel singing the national anthem (okay, maybe it's not that bad), no one's trying for a stylish effect here; the voice is just being jerked into key every time he drifts a bit. He's probably not a bad singer, but forcing this vocal part into computer perfection sounds painfully imperfect.

On the other hand, we should be thankful when we hear the autotune engage on that howling, hound dog summoning “Just say 'I dooooooooooo.'” I'm betting autotune is the lesser of two evils in that case.

 

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Carrie Underwood - Mama's Song

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I didn't know Jenna Maroney had a mother/daughter song for weddings. Must be a 30 Rock tie-in.

Carrie Underwood
Mama's Song
Marriage Porn
#66 (LoMid)
Nov 11, 2010
Myspace

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Hey-- isn't this the drum beat from that little keyboard everyone had when we were kids? I keep looking for the button that will switch this song off and play a Hungarian Dance in a tone that has only the tiniest resemblance to a flute, saxophone, or clarinet. That'd be fitting, I guess, for a song that bears only a tiny resemblance to country music.

This is going to be a theme for the pop country stuff, isn't it? These things sound like they're coming through a wormhole, tapped into a radio station playing “adult contemporary” programming 25 years ago. I wonder if they still leave spaces for Aaron Neville's guest verse.

“Mama's Song” is actually pretty funny if you think of it as a comedy bit on 30 Rock, sung by Jenna Maroney as a desperate plea for attention and pandering to audience sympathy. Actually, I'm having a hard time shaking that image: the song's so hokey and ridiculous that it was obviously written by either a genius satirist or an inelegant sap. I guess it's not Values Porn; lyrics about marriage, prayers, babies, good men, and good mamas could qualify, but I think we have to call it Marriage Porn for accuracy.

Some songs are grown in a lab, genetically engineered to serve a single purpose in a particular environment. In the way AC/DC's “Thunderstruck” exists solely for sporting events and Aerosmith's “Amazing” was designed for proms, “Mama's Song” was born to be played at weddings, where it will be serving time forever.

Since I don't have much personal stake in mother/daughter crying, and really can't be sold on weddings, babies, or Sandra Bullock, I have no starting point to begin engaging this song. To me, it sounds like a string of cheesy clichés, strung together over the blandest music imaginable, to earn it a spot in the widest variety of wedding receptions possible.

Maybe we can admire it from a marketing standpoint.  (If you're into that kind of thing)

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Marriage Porn

Pornography is defined as something with no artistic value designed to stimulate lust... so Marriage Porn is dedicated to getting people worked up over marriage.  Like Values Porn, it has little on its mind beyond stimulating desire for the lifestyle it's selling-- it's hot and heavy for big white dresses, teary moments, and promises of eternal fidelity.