Genre: Prom

Oh, the Prom song. These things are as sappy as Hallmark tunes, but they're walking a fine line between true love and getting naked as quickly as possible (usually promising one to get to the other). Generally set up as slow dance fodder, Prom songs are mawkishly sentimental to the point that they probably shouldn't work on anyone who's ever been in an adult relationship... but, hey, that's not their audience.

Genre: Feel Good

This one is pretty simple: we all know a Feel Good song when we hear it.  These are generally songs written to make the listener forget the world, turn off their brain, and have a good time.

Genre: Carpe Diem

In the world of pop music, this is a spiritual cousin of Stand Up-- come on, audience, be your best!

You know, day seizing...  and, as music goes, this is generally a pretty good place to start: even at its most poorly written, the Carpe Diem song is at least a positive thought.  That can be undone, of course, by insincerity on the songwriter's or performer's part, and pop stars can sound awfully condescending preaching from On High.

Genre: Hallmark

My first instinct was to call this genre "Sap & Sentimentality" to give it a little Jane Austen flare, but-- like all transparent tape is Scotch and all tissues are Kleenex-- all cheesy sentiment is Hallmark.  My definition of this genre is the transparent tugging of heartstrings: these are not songs that inspire any emotion in me, they're corny greeting cards.

Genre: Sad Bastard

There is a soft spot in my heart for Sad Bastard music... I generally associate it with the hard drinking blues and country guys who would be crying into that glass of whiskey if they knew how to cry (they don't, of course, so that glass is going to get chucked across the room as soon as it's empty). That's the genesis of the term-- as a style category, it's gender neutral and reflective of general mopeyness.

Genre: Sleaze

Unlike the Hot Sex genre, Sleaze is less concerned with having sex than with taking pictures of it, or trying to pick up the girls on the other side of the glass at the nudie booth, getting a pair of strippers into a three way, or any other form of sexual expression that is entirely focused on the singer's hedonism and complete shamelessness.

Though I always associate this with glam rockers from L.A, Sleaze no longer owes  allegiance to genre (it's another area where hip hop picked up when hair rock faded) or location (if you're ever in Seattle, head up to Capitol Hill and you'll see what I mean).

Genre: Indie

Remembering that "pop," technically just the abbreviation for popular, has become associated with a musical type, I'm applying Indie in the same way.  Since its establishment on the pop charts, the concept of Indie has stopped having anything to do with whether the artist was independent in any way.  Indie songs tend toward the precious... you remember them from the soundtrack of Zach Braff's film career (Paul Dano's in those movies these days.)

Genre: Ballad

I'm using the Ballad genre in the traditional sense of a narrative or "story song" instead of the pop shorthand of calling love songs "ballads." I know this conflicts with my definition of Power Ballad, but that's part of the literary cruft that holds this whole thing up. So sue me.

Genre: Stand Up

These things always show up in popular music: the demand for I Gotta Be Me and You'll Never Keep Me Down is never going to fade. Ironically, the Stand Up songs are very seldom written by the person singing the song and usually sound like they were composed by a Fortune 500 marketing department.

Genre: Marriage Porn

Pornography is defined as something with no artistic value designed to stimulate lust... so Marriage Porn is dedicated to getting people worked up over marriage.  Like Values Porn, it has little on its mind beyond stimulating desire for the lifestyle it's selling-- it's hot and heavy for big white dresses, teary moments, and promises of eternal fidelity.

Genre: Hot Sex

This song is all about the fuckin.  Pure and simple, the Hot Sex tune is totally focused on how good the fuckin' will be when it happens, why the fuckin' will be good, how good the fuckin' was, and why the fuckin' should be happening right now.

Genre: Values Porn

Pornography is defined as something with no artistic value designed to stimulate lust... so Values Porn is music with nothing to offer other than it gets the Family Values set frothy over their obsession with current, conservative mores...  These are songs written to excite a group of people who live a certain lifestyle.

Genre: Kid Pop

These songs obviously weren't meant for adults.  Kid Pop aims to relate squarely with a pre-high school audience and could easily be considered novelty songs.

Genre: Ass Kissing

Occasionally, an artist will kiss ass.  Ass Kissing songs pander to, suck up to, and otherwise belittle themselves before a group or issue they desperately hope to win the favor of.  This happens every time an artist writes a song about the style in which they write (such as metalheads writing metal songs about how great metal is to win the favor of the metalheads who listen to metal), but also includes any song that sucks up to a particular group.

Genre: Bragging

The Brag track is simple: the artist wants you to know how great he/she is.  These songs crop up in more flamboyant hip hop and rock artists... you know, the big ego guys.

Genre: Impress the Girl

I came up with this one on the fly-- it's part Brag track, and part seducer.  The middle ground was undefined enough that Impress the Girl manifested in my head as all those songs where the bragging had only one goal: to get the girl.

Genre: Complaint Rock

The Complaint Rock song is always painfully earnest: someone wants you to feel their torment.  Since Complaint Rock values drama over coherence (see: Pearl Jam), these songs always communicate the artist's pain, but may not actually be clear on why they're in pain.  Clarity or no, self indulgence is the order of the day.

Genre: Backdoor Brag

These are songs that seem to be about one thing, but are actually about how wonderful the singer he/she is.  Backdoor Braggers can sing about anything from the state of poverty in Africa to the pain of the Prozac nation... but the songs are always actually about themselves, and how they see themselves in the lens of everything around them.

Genre: Club Anthem

Being anthemic, the Club Anthem is single minded: get to the club.  It's all about clubbing-- go to the club, dance at the club, hook up at the club, drink at the club, dance more at the club.  If a singer is going to tell you to put your hands up, you're probably listening to a Club Anthem.

Genre: Party Anthem

Like any anthem, the Party Anthem has only one thing on its mind: partying.  These songs are meant to party, and be played by party people at parties.  Nuff said.