Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are

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How they managed to cram five writers into the credits is anyone's guess
(but I'll bet they went through a lot of Crayons)

Bruno Mars
Just the Way You Are
Ass Kissing
#33 (HiMid)
Peter Hernandez
Philip Lawrence
Ari Levine
Khalil Walton
Khari Cain
The Smeezingtons
Needlz

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This whole project was conceived because I was going to rectify my ignorance of popular music, not for me to be a hateful dick, but the last song to cross my desk that wasn't a shriekingly awful piece of cynical fluff was Ke$ha. In February. And that was cynical commercial fluff, too; it just wasn't awful.

I never thought I'd be nostalgic for Ke$ha.

Bruno Mars still kind of bugs me, and this song is still a Run!, but it has three things going for it: it's not as bad as “Marry You (Just Say YeahYeah Yeah Yeah Yeah),” it doesn't feature Chris Brown, and it's not a cover of a Billy Joel song.

I can't even begin to communicate how glad I am that this isn't Bruno Mars covering a Billy Joel's 80s hit “Just the Way You Are.” He looks the type, archly glancing from behind his piano with his little hat... I'm sure he's played "Only the Good Die Young" at a piano bar at least once. But this is not that. It's only a small reprieve, though, as this is the next in the seemingly unbreakable string of Run!s that are dominating this blog.

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look
like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly
without her trying
She's so beautiful
and I tell her every day

The problem I have with Mars is most likely what makes him popular in the first place: mawkishly sap in the lyrics over simple pop chords. “Just the Way You Are” has the kind of childish lack of romance that could have been recorded by New Kids on the Block. This is what a little kid thinks of love when their first kiss is still years away. It's the kind of thing that should be sequestered on the Disney Channel until it reaches the legal drinking age, but High School Musical broke the gates open and these songs are allowed to wander around unchaperoned.

I'm willing to bet the only reason this song doesn't have the same fan base as The Ready Set is the picture on the poster. I wonder if that hampers its sales. “Bruno! Great song! Um, Bob from marketing here-- can we make you look like a fourteen year old boy with a girl's haircut? We could really sell this to the tweens.”

Since this is Bruno's second appearance here, I've got a limited set of songs to draw from... but since I'd heard the previous song, I somehow felt like I'd already heard this one: I heard that falsetto coming at 2:38 before he hit it. It's basically the same part as the “Just say I do” falsetto bridge in “Marry You.” I was never going to call Bruno Mars original, but it seems like he's written one song, has a producer modify it slightly, and is releasing it as a handful of singles.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts

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Christina Perri will survive (after moping around for a while)

Christina Perri
Jar of Hearts
Sad Bastard
#33 (HiMid)
Christina Perri
Drew Lawrence
Barrett Yeretsian
B.Yeretsian
C. Perri

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First, a quick wager that this song was originally titled “Who Do You Think You Are?” but someone decided that “Jar of Hearts” was more unique (and therefore more memorable.) What they seem to have overlooked is the inanity of the new title: pulled from the abysmal lyric “Who do you think you are, running round leaving scars, collecting your Jar of Hearts, and tearing love apart,” Jar of Hearts is the kind of phrase only turned by children who protest (too much) their individuality by dressing anachronistically and writing terrible poetry that includes phrases like "jar of hearts."

Far from the Taio Cruz total rhyme failure, “Jar of Hearts” lives in the poetic playground of cheap, easy rhymes (with a few cheating near-rhymes thrown in for good measure). It's a sunny place, this playground; in the center, there's a statue of Lenny Kravitz, and the revelers all want to fly so high in the sky like a butterfly. Most days, Christina Perri sadly dances here by herself, wishing she'd missed the first time you kissed, afraid you'll catch a cold from the ice inside your soul (and hoping you'll notice). Maybe she should bring him some hot soup (how over her Lothario can Perri be, anyway, if she's still concerned he'll catch cold?)

The whole affair seems awfully naive to me, anyway (see also: “Of Course I Don't Listen to the Radio. I'm Not a 15-Year-Old Girl.”) I can't balance all the time it's taken her to get the light back in her eyes after losing the love she loved most with the icy-souled guy running around collecting hearts for his heart jar and tearing love apart... Not to overload my cynic circuits, but this story makes more sense if it's using the Unreliable Narrator device, and Perri has blown a two day mini-relationship with a guy out of proportion to near psychotic levels (“But we kissed! Twice!”)

This song was done with more passion back when it was called “I Will Survive,” and Christina Perri doesn't offer a single thought that isn't borrowed from a vastly superior Gloria Gaynor... and Gaynor sounds like she lived with the guy. If I wanted to listen to someone de-disco Gaynor's anthem, I'd listen to Cake.

Musically, this song is a turgid mope through remedial piano and syrupy, Hallmark strings... and while I appreciate producers trusting a sad song to captivate an audience without a dance beat, but there has to be something here to do the captivating.  A set of lyrics Perri will be embarrassed by in a few years married to clunking piano won't get it done... and it can be done.  Take Nellie McKay, for example: there's a girl (younger than Perri at the time of the taping) at a piano venting some disappointment, frustration, and rage with some real cleverness in the words and some talent with the keys... and doing it live, without all the vocal overdubs and sappy production on Perri's track (Christina Perri can be heard live here, and, on an unrelated note, did I mention Nellie McKay can actually sing?  Dunno why that just popped into my head.)

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

T-Pain - Best Love Song

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A Tune By Two Guys Who Think the Best Love Song Ever Should Be "The Crunkest"
(Luckily, neither of them know what that means)

T-Pain
Best Love Song
Prom Song
#33 (HiMid)
Faheem Najm
Chris Brown
Young Fyre

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There's a little bit of ironic fun to be had with T-Pain. I hate autotune as much as the next snarky critic, but there's something about the egregious, inhuman, completely over-the-top way that T-Pain does it. If all the R&B vocals on the radio have been autotuned into an almost comical stereotype, T-Pain usually sounds like he's recording a caricature of everyone else. If Homer Simpson were to set up his own recording studio, his output would sound like T-Pain.

That said, I'm starting to feel self-conscious about logging this many Run!s in a row-- seriously? Another awful, awful song? I knew it was going to be bad as soon as I saw Chris Brown's name attached (why can't I shake that guy?), but this continuous flow of thuddingly bad is making me nostalgic for Ke$ha...

“Best Love Song” isn't lacking in self-awareness as much as it's lacking in awareness altogether. I was focused on the self-aware part initially: lines like “And if I'm gonna take her home, it's got to be better than what they play on the radio” while the song isn't just like what they play on the radio, it actually is what they play on the radio... that kind of writing is so ignorant of itself, of what the song is, that it probably ought to appear in the next Tommy Wiseau picture.

Similarly, if the song is to work, “It's gotta be the crunkest, gotta be the loudest. It's gotta be the best love song she ever heard in her life.” Again, the song doesn't seem to understand that not only is it not the crunkest, it's not crunky in the least (there is a significant lack of crunk here. It is crunkless), and it won't be the loudest because stereo systems and club PAs have volume knobs which can make any one song louder than another. Finally, the song doesn't seem to realize that it's not the best love song anyone's ever heard.

Blinded by how the song isn't aware of what it is in the first place, I almost missed the fact that these guys just don't get it. If they're trying to write the best love song anyone's ever heard, why would they want it to be the crunkest? Even if their crunk-failure levels are epic, did they start writing with Crunchy Black in mind, assuming that was the key to the greatest love song ever? Or loudness? Did they believe that in order for their love song to be the best, it would have to be deafeningly loud, because nothing says romance like jet engine volume levels?

The more I think about it, the more I'm sure T-Pain and Chris Brown don't even know what these words mean. The lyrics could be “It's gotta be the most grindcore, gotta be the most klezmer” and they wouldn't make any less sense. It's not like loudness and crunk have anything to do with the junior prom slow dance number they're actually singing.

Turn on the lights (lights! lights!)
give me a mic (give me a mic)
I'm about to sing
and do it just as she likes (la-likes)
Jump off the stage
crowd surfin all the way (cowabunga)

T-Pain's lyrics are generally about the song he's singing, which doesn't seem to have much to do with a love song. Chris Brown, of course, spends his verse preening; it's annoying that he spends so much time reminding us he's god's gift to womankind when there's so much contrary evidence out there. Amidst all the autotuned non-singing, there's a computerized background chorus backing up everything Brown has to say (including “Cowabunga,” which stands alone as the stupidest lyric in a song filled with stupid lyrics). He does promise to sing to you just how you like, and provides some instructions as to what you have to do if you want to get with him. Such a wonderful guy-- you should do what he says.

Musicially, this is just a Prom song. It's too wimpy and lifeless for clubs, and I can't imagine it flourishing anywhere but teenage dances and pop radio... which wouldn't be the case if it were actually the crunkest (or most klezmer) song someone's ever heard.

For unintentional comedic value, the actual song is a cross between Tenacious D's "Tribute" (a song about the best song in the world that isn't actually the best song in the world) and "I Just Had Sex" (a slightly less subtle parody of Prom songs than "Best Love Song," but not by much).  On its own merits, this song is pretty ridiculous, but viewed through the lens of all the comedy that came before it, you could view a pathetic slow-dance prom song demanding it be The Loudest and The Crunkest as the height of satire.

If anyone has information about T-Pain being a comic genius instead of a happenstance pop star, please let me know.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taio Cruz - Higher

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Really?  People listen to Taio Cruz?  At least his rhyming's slightly better this time

Taio Cruz
Higher
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Feb 24, 2011
Taio Cruz
Sandy Vee
Sandy Vee
Taio Cruz

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Taio Cruz is a fantastic example of my finger not being on the pulse of tastes in popular music. “Dynamite” has been my example of moronic writing combined with music that represents the least possible effort since it originally popped up on this site-- my first taste of Cruz begged the question “How is this song on the radio?” Having him pop up again is a little shocking, and has me asking “How does this guy have a career?”

To be fair, “Higher” isn't nearly as bad as “Dynamite.” It's a bad song, sure, but it's not going to be my standard reference point for terrible writing. Hell, it even name-drops Breakin' characters in the first verse (technically Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, but the characters are the same), which flirts with actual cleverness... but it's also the contribution of Travie McCoy, not the kind of lyrics Cruz can take credit for.

I do this just for kicks just for the thrill
I got this high without taking a pill
This groove has got me way over the sun
I'm dancin like I am the only one

Taio Cruz is still one of the worst lyricists this side of Creed, but in a shocking improvement over “Dynamite,” the words actually rhyme. Sure, they sound like they were written by a twelve-year-old, and for some reason he dramatically repeats the last word of every line (“I got this high without taking a pill. Pill!”), but “thrill” and “pill” actually do rhyme. It's awful, but it's still a measurable improvement.

Musically... what could I expect? It's another stock backing track that sounds like it was taken directly from those “Everything you need to start making techno! Now!” CDs from the early 90's, and the song itself actually feels more dated than that... there's a distinctly 80's bubblegum feel to it. I know, I know... there was no house influence in 80's pop, but it still conjures that vibe.

Taio Cruz is still an amalgamation of dance track clichés, bad lyrics, and generic-sounding backing tracks: all things I've derided ad nauseum (and derided him specifically for them), so there's almost nothing more to write. I'm still baffled by his success and annoyed when I have to hear him.

It is nice that he's not still trying to rhyme “dance” with “plans,” though.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Flo Rida - Club Can't Handle Me

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The cookie cutter may be the same, but at least the cookies taste slightly better

Flo Rida
Club Can't Handle Me
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Jan 13, 2011
Tramar Dillard
Carmen Key
Kasia Livingston
Mike Caren
David Guetta
Frédéric Riesterer
Giorgio Tuinfort
David Guetta
Frédéric Riesterer

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I've often complained about the eurodisco/house-derived dance music being stamped out of a rusty and overused cookie cutter (somebody clean that thing!), but what always grates is not so much an adherence to formula as the laziness and lack of ambition. What I really hate is music that sounds like it was tossed off in 10 minutes (one beat, four chords, modulate for the chorus... okay, done). There's a place for music assembled by downloading a couple royalty-free loops and throwing them together in a prescribed pattern: it's called the internet... where bedroom music amateurs, pornography, make-up tutorial videos, and crank critics share space. The thoughtless, thrown-together music backing Taio Cruz and Rihanna belong on the radio as much as I belong in the New York Times.

(I'm dying for the ironic comeuppance of that last bit to strike... from either side)

With all that in mind, “Club Can't Handle Me” isn't half bad-- it's completely a product of it's house-based formula, sure, but some work went into writing it. There are music breaks in the verses, including hard stops and a weird, wavetable-sounding freakout in the bass (check out the crazy synth at 1:01), and there's a chord suspension that stetches lines in the third verse and actually builds anticipation. The beat is standard, but at least offers a few breaks, and the whole thing actually sounds dance-floor ready; it doesn't sound like sluggish pop written for housecleaning or car stereo commutes, it is meant to bounce in a club.

Is it just me, or is there a $50 Casio (set to Violin) playing the base chords to Lennon's “Imagine” in the beginning of this song?

You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you I'm watchin you we go all out
The club can't even handle me right now

Lyrically, there's almost no conversation to have: there's not a single workable rhyme in the chorus, and the verses are just bouncy rhythm (Flo Rida claims to be “arrogant, like yeah,”) but I really don't care that much... nothing in the lyrics strikes me in any way, neither clever nor irritating. I can always do without “put your hands up” chanting, but after the horror this genre's inflicted on me, “Club Can't Handle Me” feels pretty innocuous.

I suppose it's all a matter of perspective: I've heard so much dance music that can't be played in war zones for fear of violating the Geneva Convention, I'm disproportionately impressed by a song that would at least cause a debate within the tribunal. Truth be told, it's not even a very good song... but it isn't offensively awful, and it deserves some credit for being better than so many of its peers.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

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Death to the Virginal Country Princesses... literally

The Band Perry
If I Die Young
Hallmark
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 30, 2010
Kimberly Perry
Nathan Chapman
Paul Worley

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If I was having any lingering guilt about not hating Taylor Swift, The Band Perry just expunged it... this Virginal Pop Country Princess thing is excruciating. If Carrie Underwood is there for mother/daughter tears at weddings and George Strait is working on dad mortality tearjerkers, The Band Perry is bleeding sap even more nefarious: dead kids.

Well, dead Virginal Pop Country Princesses, anyway... by measure of subject material alone, Swift looks like a Rhodes Scholar in comparison.

On one hand, this song is a letter to a grieving mother from her dead teenager: “It's okay, mom. I lived enough.” That strikes me as really tacky; I'm sure grieving mothers want to hear that, but cheap platitudes from pop country don't sound particularly genuine. This song can serve as 3:40 of “God just needed another angel. That's why he had to take her.” Thanks, Hallmark. I'm sure you've cornered this market.

A penny for my thoughts
Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more
after I'm a goner
and maybe then you'll hear
the words I've been singing
funny when you're dead
how people start listening

On the other: this song is an extended teenage “They'd miss me if I was gone” moping dressed up in country princess rainbows. I suppose it's nice to know that it's not just the girls with multiple lip rings and tri-colored hair that do this, but there's a lot of creepiness in there. There's no mistaking the intent of “funny when you're dead how people start listening.” 

You never paid attention to me, but now you'll have to listen. Has Trent Reznor's stock sunk so low that The Band Perry can chisel into his market? That's a little sad.

Well, that... and the dollar/goner line is a bigger groaner than anything Taio Cruz could have written... but this song is full of terrible rhymes. That's the one that really stands out, though.

The connotations of the song are that Virginal Pop Country Princesses are, of course, virgins who will be welcomed into heaven (“I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom, I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger.”)  Should I even comment on the song's presupposition of a Christian heaven?  Nah... everyone knows country music isn't for non-Christians.  When we die, the lord has no intention of making us into rainbows ("Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors.")

Phew... it must be sign-off time; I keep wanting to beat this song with its own lyrics, even though there's no further point to be made.  It's a sappy, pouty tearjerker... gee, I wonder who's making a song like this climb the charts.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Enrique Iglesias - I Like It

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Another thing Enrique likes: Not trying too hard

Enrique Iglasias
I Like It
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 23, 2010
Enrique Iglesias
Nadir Khayat
Armando Pérez
Lionel Richie
RedOne

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The spots around #11 are still jammed up with songs I've already reviewed, so we groan and head into the next euro dance pop track... I'm not about to pretend that this song isn't all kinds of terrible, but it is pretty lively. Sure, “I Like It” is guilty of everything I hate about this stuff (stock house synths, autotuned vocals, uninventive beats, moronic lyrics, and a structure so dated and overused it might be template included in Apple's Garageband studio software), but it is slightly less guilty than a lot of songs in its weight class. That it has any lively bounce at all is pretty helpful; most songs like this are so lifeless and stale-sounding I can't imagine anyone dancing to them.

Past that, all of my previous complaints remain valid-- can we please, please, stop holding four chords on a trancegate-equipped keyboard and setting it to a house beat? I don't want to keep complaining about it, but it just keeps happening. Since it all happens in exactly the same way, the songs grouped together by this laziness are all pretty indistinguishable...

Lyrically... okay, let's just all admit that the words to this song don't matter. This song, written from a guy's perspective, implies: “You there, hot girl with whom I already have a sexual connection. We can hook up tonight, and though there's a little bit of flirting going on right now, we'll be fucking less than ten minutes after we leave the club.” It says: “Know the way you're sexy dancing implies we'll be fucking soon? I like that.”

Well, duh.

Next up, a song about how good food tastes when you're hungry.

Or about how being in love is better than being sad. (Oh hell, I just tripped over the delta between broad satire and actual songs.)

The bridge offers two concepts that smack of an overt 80'sness: shaking your love (which has been lying dormant since the era of Debbie Gibson), and not stopping until you get enough (who was that guy with the one glove? I seem to remember him being a really good dancer). This doesn't really bother me that much-- if a dance/club/party song is free of the kind of lyrical atrocities you'll find in Dynamite, I'll give it a pass.

This is the second Pitbull guest spot, and I think I like him in that role. Granted, “Bon Bon” was nails-on-a-chalkboard bad, but I kind of like him rapping the guest verse in these dance songs. Then again, I don't really like these dance songs, so by the time Pitbull shows up, he's usually a break in the drudgery that comes with generic-sounding tracks.

My most enduring complaint is that it's just another one of these songs... When track after track is just the same song over again, it's awfully hard to write anything about them. The lyrics aren't as stupid as Taio Cruz's and the beats aren't as limp as Rihanna's, but it's not really much different from those songs either.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rick Ross - Aston Martin Music

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Slightly less cool than 007's car.  Can we rename it "Toyota Corolla Music?"

Rick Ross
Aston Martin Music
Bragging
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 16, 2010
Rick Ross
Drake
Chrisette Michelle
JUSTICE League

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The top of the charts are looking like a parking lot right now, so, sorry... no High spot this week: tracks 8-14 are all songs I've already reviewed. Just as well, since it's taken me a long time to try and write about “Aston Martin Music,” and I'm not sure why. Either it's basically a dial-tone that just refuses to make any marks on my brain, or I've got a teflon coating for this kind of thing.

Shame, because the branding in the title works for me; I was looking forward to this song. I get why, like Scarface and the Corleones, Bond lives large in hip hop culture: he's unbeatable in a gunfight, irresistible to women, and lives the high life (tailored clothes, the finest food an drink, and a slick car). Even if most of the movies are lousy (out of over 20 movies, there's about a 1-5 quality ratio), the character himself is always an ideal: James Bond is SuperGangsta.

This song is desperately lacking in its Bondness: not smooth, fancy, or dangerous. The music doesn't evoke an Aston Martin... this is Honda Accord music. Honestly, if you stripped all the vocal parts away, it's a track Kenny G would have no trouble soloing over. Designed to be medium-tempo and non dynamic, it's one real flourish is a hard stop (“Ballin!”) that sounds so awkward it makes me feel bad for complaining about the lack of changes: if that's what you're doing for variety, we can probably do without. They sweep down some filters on the beats for the chorus... but I doubt that would throw Kenny G's game.

I kept listening to the song trying to focus on the lyrics, but the whole thing is... just... so... boring. I get that the verses are all Bond: guns, girls (who take orders from you, no less: she calls you “boss” while you “listen to the yeah yeah yeahs”), convertibles, and lots of money, but Rick Ross never seems to complete a thought. The verses switch from one idea to the next without any connective tissue, as if Ross is as bored as I am, tuning out after a line and a half and starting over. The chorus is just a constant repetition of the song title in robotic monotone: no melody or rhythm at all.

There's no way to work up any real hatred for a song so bland you can barely remember it as soon as it's done playing, but I have to give this one a Run because it's a lousy song without any redeeming qualities (at least Wiz Khalifa and Blake Shleton were so bad they were funny). Does “Aston Martin Music” have an excellent video? I must be missing something, because I have no idea why this song is popular.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Lil Wayne - Right Above It

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Cue up your training montage

Lil Wayne
Right Above It
Bragging
#32 (HiMid)
Dec 9, 2010
Dwayne Carter, Jr.
Aubrey D. Graham
Daniel Johnson
Andrew Canton
Kane Beatz

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Wow... that's really heroic. If Rocky was going to train to a hip hop tune, this song would score the montage. The synth horns that open the song could probably make the argument all by themselves: they're pretty obviously coming out of someone's Korg Triton (Lil Wayne, I have two words for you: Miroslav Orchestra. I know you have the hard drive space), but they're endearingly cheesy. This song would probably sound amazing with real horns... but no use crying over spilled samples.

Though the horns are the first thing I noticed, the beats are the best thing about this song. Some work went into the programming on this one. The kick skitters around on the bottom of the track, and there's a lot of complexity in the hats and cymbals, all kept in check by a steady handclap. Somebody was having a lot of fun with the drums when they put this one together.

I thought it was odd that the vocals were so low in the mix-- the music sort of overwhelms the voices in most of the song. I can still make out the lyrics, but the music is way up front... odd for this type of music, but it sort of makes sense when I try to write about the lyrics and keep coming up dry. The music is punched up because the words are kinda boring.

Putting up music this epic to back a brag track begs for some audacity, but the bravado in this just seems commonplace (“I've been fly so long I fell asleep on the fucking plane”). There's money, crews, cars, and girls (“Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos”), but no more than anyone else's bragging...  maybe even a little less. Writing this dull makes me wonder why the song needs to exist at all, since it shares space with “Monster.”

Lackluster, but not awful... and it could be worse. The numbers got shuffled this week because #33 was being consumed by, you guessed it, Glee. That puts things in perspective.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Eminem - Love the Way You Lie

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I didn't figure Eminem would have the first Sad Bastard song on the list

Eminem
Love the Way You Lie
Sad Bastard
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 2, 2010
Marshall Mathers
Alexander Grant
Holly Hafferman
Makeba Riddick
Alex da Kid
Makeba Riddick

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While I've never been even a casual fan, I'm not going to deny that Eminem's got talent. As a matter of fact, as the weeks progress and I listen to a wide and random selection of rappers, I'm more impressed with his particular skill than I would have been if someone had played me this track before I heard Wiz Khalifa and Tyga. In the pack of Billboard stars, Emimem's absolutely an A-lister.

Regardless of the rapper's skill, “Love the Way You Lie” isn't a very good song. It comes off fairly one-note, with verses in Eminem's signature throaty yell, separated by a sad and balladic chorus sung by an un-autotuned Rihanna (hey, looks like she can sing). Lyrically, it plays like a celebrity explaining away his own headlines and presence in the national hype machine... an okay narrative, I suppose, but I'm not really drawn in by it.

For the record, I respect Eminem's honesty. No matter what you think of his oft-reported behavior or his records, you have to admit he's not a celebrity handled by PR men-- his lyrics truly represent who he is and what he feels. It may be hateful or misogynist, it may be a bad career move, it may illuminate our image of a childish idiot (an image he's too stubborn to stop perpetuating), but he meant what he said when he said it. Since I spend a lot of time complaining about pre-processed product being passed off as music, this kind of honesty counts for something. If Eminem's reprehensible, at least he's genuinely reprehensible, and he's not going to bullshit anyone about it.

You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you I'm watchin you we go all out
The club can't even handle me right now

This song, then, is the story of the violent relationship told by the violent man: they were desperately in love once, no one wants to have that kind of thing turn sour, emotions run high during the screaming matches and things get out of control. Most anyone who's been in a serious relationship or two has been in the fight this song can evoke... he never physically hurts the girl, but punches the wall and the guy she's out with (general, violent, jealous guy behavior). It feels pretty selfish coming from a guy who made headlines and earned probation time for the first verse.

There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Again, I believe Eminem-- this song feels like a public apology, sure, and probably a sincere one-- but it also feels like Sad Bastard self pity. There are a lot of promises to never do this sort of thing again, but he's self aware enough to know he's full of shit and honest enough to tell us. The gestalt of the piece is that love can go bad, fights can get intense, he doesn't mean for things to get out of hand... but they do, they always will, and he's going to get violent, so what can you do? At least he's sad about it.

Having a famous domestic abuse victim sing the choruses is kind of an odd choice, too-- if you're going to have an “I'm sorry I've been such a violent guy” song and yet have it end with immolating the person you're apologizing to, why have the sad, soul singer chorus containing “I love the way it hurts” sung by Rihanna of all people?

Even though I'm still impressed with Eminem's rhythm and gift for internal rhyme, the song itself is pretty generic: alternating verses and choruses over (admittedly interesting and well composed) beats laced with mopey acoustics. None of the cleverness displayed in the details from line to line make it into the structure of the song: nothing ever changes, it just keeps sulking sadly along.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taylor Swift - Mine

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

If I give Taylor Swift a pass, am I going to hell?

Taylor Swift
Mine
Ballad
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 25, 2010
Taylor Swift
Nathan Chapman
Taylor Swift

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I think I've pre-judged Taylor Swift too harshly, because this song simply doesn't deserve the bile Rihanna, Taio Cruz, or (ick) Chris Brown warrant. She's actually debuting in the blog with the most palatable entry pop-country has offered me yet... though this might have something to do with it sounding almost nothing like country music. She's a pop star singing pop songs; there's some country in the harmonies, I guess, but there's a reason my genre/style labels are never “Dance” or “Rock” or “Country:” I'm trying to work with what the song actually is, as opposed the rack it calls home at Sam Goody.

My prejudice against Swift was born of all the jokes and causal digs regarding “unicorns and rainbows” lyrics, and I doubt I'll like that song if I hear it. Sure, this is a love song (I'm trying hard not to make that a Genre, because it could swell and consume the entire blog), but it's a story song first and foremost. Screenwriters, take note: it starts by introducing its characters, then it establishes and resolves conflict. I'm not calling Charlie Kaufman on the carpet or anything, but Taylor Swift (or, more likely, the songwriters she keeps locked up in her guest house) cracked a nut in three minutes that Kurt Wimmer's been struggling with for about five films now.

It bothers me a little that I'm stuck caveatting songs that aren't tragically inept and generically machined with “I don't like this song,” but giving “Mine” a Delete tag doesn't mean it's half as bad as “Mama's Song” or “Deuces.” There's some skill in both the writing and performance of this song. There's a line in the chorus, especially, that is pretty impressive: the “a careless man's careful daughter” is an amazing bit of writing economy. One quick line gives us an almost fully realized character, her current state, and her backstory. That's a pretty keen turn of a phrase, right there.

As for performance, I don't detect a hit on autotune on Swift's voice, which is always good. The thing that stands out about her, as I listen to this, is that she actually seems to infuse a bit of personality into the lyrics-- that's not a writer beat, it's the performer. While there are plenty of pop stars on the radio at any given time that can sing on key (or at least seem to), it sounds like Swift is trying to suppress a giggle during the line about “a drawer of my things at your place.” It's the kind of thing that sells a story, the kind of grace note that can't be written on the sheet music.

So... sure, it's a fluffy pop tune, and really not something I'd be anxious to listen to again, but it's done with some talent and skill. I've got to give it some credit.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

The Ready Set - Love Like Woe

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Quote from the page where I pulled the artist photo:

"omg(: i LOVE THE READY SET thank GOD for JORDAN he is the love of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Ready Set
Love Like Woe
Kid Pop
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 18, 2010
JSYK

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Even though I've been doing these reviews, I'm still a pop music hermit. I grab the songs, I listen to them, and I review them, but aside from hearing these songs, I still don't know anything about the media hype that surrounds them. So tell me: is the world awash in “The Ready Set go” jokes? I can't be the first guy that thought of that, because after hearing about 45 seconds of “Love Like Woe,” I think The Ready Set can go get sodomized by an elk.

Like, OMFG, I am waaaaay 2 old 4 this song. From the twee little voice that is meant to charm an audience that isn't me, to the oh-so-popular autotune twitches to every note he hits, to the lyrics about the girl who's a “pretty little windstorm,” a “sunset,” a “shooting star,” this is little girl music that makes Third Eye Blind's “doot do-doot do”s sound like sophisticated, adult writing.

Okay, let's find the picture.

Yup, a boy that looks like a little girl. Well, that's not a surprise... non-threatening is necessary to appeal the the glitter and rainbow crowd. Let's make The Ready Set go play spin-the-bottle with a hand grenade.

Funny thing is that, since it wasn't an artist name, I was expecting a group of some kind... but I'm gullible like that. This is obviously a teen boy pop singer writing songs for middle school girls (I'm sure the seventh grade lousy with Ready Set fans). There's no hint of a band here-- the electric drums, synths, and piano are all programmed-- so if it's a “they” and not a “him,” I can't imagine more diversity than a singer and a producer.

I'm willing to bet the love was “like, woah” originally. The lyrics are dim and annoying, and there's not the slightest hint of woe. I'm not certain the singer is aware of “woe,” but his marketing department was probably keen on it. No woe here, he's more focused on “the timing and the moment all seem so right.” Really? All those things seem right, huh? That's just redundantly redundant, and it's about as eloquent as Scott Stapp. Would you like to take her higher, too?

I suppose the benefit of hearing this song will come to me when it's parodied on the next Weird Al record (it really sounds like something Al would have fun with), but until then, I can't wait to see The Ready Set go to a Nickelodeon music awards show where they get beaten to death by a golf club wielding Willow Smith.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Usher - Hot Tottie

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At least Usher sounds like he belongs in a club

Usher
Hot Tottie
Hot Sex
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 11, 2010
DJBooth

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Usher! My man! So sorry for bailing on you back in October, but that “DJ Got Us Falling In Love” song had all the same problems Club Anthems I keep slamming up against have: it wasn't just bad, it was boring, and it because it was boringly bad, it was nearly impossible to write about.

Now, after that fucking terrible Taio Cruz song, I'm feeling much more Usher. This is an oasis of songwriting after the desert of suck that was Taio Cruz... but don't get cocky-- I skipped out on you before because that last song had the exact same problems as “Dynamite.” But we aren't listening to that now; now we are listening to “Hot Tottie,” and it's (literally) music to my ears.

Don't get cocky-- this isn't a great song-- but it announces itself right off the bad with massive, imposing bass, almost like it heard me complaining about the wimpiness of my previous “club” tracks. This bass sounds like it's ready to rock a club and get asses out on the floor. I wish I knew why that was so rare, but it's good that someone's got the good sense to make dance music that might actually make people want to dance.

It was actually a nice surprise to find a slinky, sexually charged bit of raunchiness instead of the standard “dance! dance! dance!” nonsense, too. I'm actually appreciating the break from stock club song structure: this tune slides along at a heated growl, and actually has the steamy energy to back its intentions up. Instead of blocky, raver synth and piano stabs arranged as stock pop progressions, we get a darker, minor key fluidity.

Some appreciation has to go to the lyrics, too-- it's kind of clever for the song to be about a bragging woman, and, while you're obviously game to get down to business, it's a little different for the guy to not be the instigator or seducer in these songs. Usually, it's the guy who's making all the claims and talking the girl into bed. I'm not blowing it out of proportion: it's not redefining gender relations or anything, but it's nice to have the story go a little different this time.

Okay, I've got to say it: I fucking hate the autotune. It's even a little worse here than in other songs because of all the soul-style vocal runs... these used to be a badge of a singer's skill, but it doesn't mean anything when it's been pre-programmed. It's just annoying... more annoying than a lot of autotune, and I'm usually pretty annoyed by it.

Also, I think the word is spelled with “d”s, like the California girl group The Hot Toddies. Maybe Billboard got the spelling wrong, idunno, I suppose that's just nit-picking, but... Usher, though I have to thank you for giving me a dance track that doesn't sound like the other generic club songs, and at least sounds like it belongs in a club, I can't say I really like the song.

It is better than so much of the bad I've heard, but being better than bad isn't enough to make me want to listen to it again.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Chris Brown - Yeah 3x

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Chris Brown
Yeah 3x
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

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Seeing Chris Brown return makes me think about how compromised my view of him is. Since I love The Onion and I read The Onion's AVClub (which cares little for celebrity gossip, but finds humor in hubris, spectacle, and larger than life ridiculousness), I can't help but know that Chris Brown plead guilty to domestic abuse, put a backhanded apology video on YouTube, and tends to whine narcissisticly when he catches flak for hitting girls. When I hear a Chris Brown song, it's not just the song: there's a lot of backstory attached.

Putting my distaste for this guy aside, my image of him is basically informed by violence-- blood and bruises. So now that I've listened to two of his songs... why does he sound like such a pussy? “Yeah 3x” is basically the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” but even if I think Pink's attitude is a put-on, she still sounds like she'd kick this guy's ass in front of the club. So does Adam Lambert, guyliner and all, now that I think of it. Hell, Willow Smith sounds more intense than this guy.

And when I say this is the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” I mean it-- the chorus is “Hold your glasses up, people everywhere, now everybody put your hands in the air. Say: Yeah Yeah Yeah.” I know... pure poetry. And I was starting to worry that put your hands in the air was fading from the limelight-- we've got to thank ole' Chris for keeping that torch burning,

Among other things: Chris Brown is also a revivalist for the Non-Threatening Rap Verse Towards The End Of A Non-Threatening Pop Song, the likes of which I haven't heard since Bobby Brown contributed to the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. Chris Brown's entry (ending with “So DJ turn it loud, and watch me turn it up. Don't worry about it, we here to party, so Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!”) is so moronic I'm actually getting nostalgic for almost-rhymes about Vigo, the master of evil.

I'll be shocked if this guy writes any kind of music; this amazingly bland techno pop is the kind of prefabricated non-music I always complain about, and I'm sure it was handed to him by a producer. There's not a single note sung where his voice isn't autotuned, so, after two songs with Chris Brown, I'm pretty sure he can't sing (or he would have done it by now) and I'm not sure he's demonstrated any skills or talent.

I have been told that Chris Brown is an exceptionally beautiful man... I imagine that's how he got this job. He doesn't seem to do anything: he's a pop singer who can't (or at least doesn't) sing, so I figure he's there to model and pose. That starts to put the violence in perspective, too-- all the whining and egotism from Brown in the wake of his headlines hint that this is not a comfortable guy. I wonder how great the divide is between his self image and his public image.

It probably doesn't matter-- he's got his name on a song that is one of the worst so far. A lot of the songs I've disliked have been generic retreads of techno-pop, but this one is so wimpy and lifeless it even fails at being recycled dance music. I doubt the music took longer than ten minutes to assemble, the lyrics were written by a 3^rd grader, and it's sung by a computer.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Waka Flocka Flame - No Hands

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Waka Flocka Flame
No Hands
Impress the Girl
#18 (HiMid)
Oct 28, 2010
Myspace

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I may have to re-think my song selection process-- while #3 in the charts has a lot more flexibility from week to week than #1, it doesn't really change enough for me to get a lot of new music. Nelly held the spot two weeks in a row, so I skipped down to #4 last week and got Rihanna. Nelly's no longer #3 this week... but guess what: Rihanna is. I had to skip down to #5 to find a song I haven't already reviewed-- and that gave me another mass produced, cookie cutter techno-pop song. Seriously: I tried to write a review of "DJ Got Us Fallin in Love" by Usher, but it was like trying to review a McDonald's cheeseburger: I didn't like it, but it was too generic to inspire any kind of criticism other than “why do people buy this?” It all points to me needing to find a different number in the top 10, a little further from the traffic jam around #1... but that will be next week.

So... moving on: I've already hit this week's #17 too, but as far as I'm concerned, Cee Lo can stay in the top 20 forever (if there were any justice in this system, the zero-personality Rihanna and Usher tracks would be eating his dust). This brings us to Waka Flocka Flame: it's no surprise I don't know this guy, but man is that an awesome name. I'm not sure I could say it aloud and keep a straight face.

Thankfully, Waka doesn't live in the pre-fab pop wasteland that houses the godawful Usher track I narrowly avoided-- this beat wasn't pulled from the factory demo of an old Roland groovebox. There's some clever movement to the kick, and the rapid hi-hat is always bouncing around in the stereo field. I don't want to blow it out of proportion, but somebody actually worked on this beat and got creative. And the hype man's part in the beginning of the first verse is an awesome almost-synth-kick: “bow bow bow bow...”

And, hey, this answers a question I've been asking myself for a little while: I've been hearing a lot of soulless autotuned singers over funkless raver beats, but didn't there used to be rappers in this genre? Everyone on this track has better style, flow, rhythm... well, better everything, than the guys on Chris Brown's track. Lyrically, it is a club track: lots of bragging, calling out the song's guest stars, and appreciating the booty, but it's nice to hear some wordsmiths simply ply their trade. It's a nice change from the empty non-song I thought I was going to write about today.

Add N to (x), an all-vintage-synth band, has a song called “The Regent Is Dead,” which evokes a kind of swords and sorcery, epic fantasy landscape... musically, “No Hands” reminds me of that piece. I think that's both cool and sort of hilarious: the synth progressions are kind of epic. 80's fantasy movie epic. This might be the most gravitas booty's ever had. (ha!)

Overall, I think there's some pretty cool stuff in here, and it is a huge step up from a lot of what I've heard while doing this project... but I'm not ready to call myself a Waka Flocka Flame fan. I'm not calling “No Hands” a bad song; I'm thankful it broke up a rut I needed to escape, but I'm also not keeping a copy.
 

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

This was the hardest "style" category I ever tried to lock down... it's not entirely a bragging track, but it's also not all about the awesome booty; it's a little of both.  So I'm going with "Impress the Girl"-- it's boastful, but it's boastful to win the hottie.