Taio Cruz – Dynamite

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Ever wanted to hear someone rhyme "dance" with "plans" over lazily stolen house music? Here's your chance.

Taio Cruz
Dynamite
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 11, 2010
DJBooth

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The first and most obvious thing I noticed about "Dynamite" was the thuddingly clichéd bad-techno arrangement. How is the world not sick of this yet? I've only been doing this for a few weeks and I'm starting to have weird, Pavlovian negative reinforcement responses to anything that boonch boonch boonchs. I don't want to keep harping on my not hating electronic music (I don't hate dance music! I swear!), but the problem is the lifeless, lazy, boring recycling of the most mundane tropes of a scene that was pretty played out a decade ago.

It wasn't so long ago that music critics were claiming that Rock Is Dead, usually as a caption beneath a picture of the Chemical Brothers or Prodigy. The reason wasn't that the guitar was boring and the synth reigned supreme-- it was that the new electronic guys at the time were sparkling with life and creativity, and the rich and lazy rock gods were... well... they were the ones recycling boring clichés and churning out mundane retreads.

But here I am, listening to Taio Cruz... and it's just so... wimpy. I can't imagine anything this stale actually getting someone on the dance floor.

That's it: I'm writing a letter to Skinny Puppy. Maybe they can save us.

Even if Skinny Puppy came to our rescue and saved dance music from itself (wow-- I live in a really weird fantasy wonderland, don't I?), I don't think they could save Taio from himself. If we stop discussing the things that are always wrong with these songs (autotune, cookie cutter arrangements, boring beats), we're still stuck with the worst lyrics this side of Steve Miller. Observe:

I came to dance
I hit the floor, cause that's my plans
I'm wearing all my favorite brands
Give me some space for both my hands

First, only “hands” and “brands” actually rhyme... and this is not complex stuff. We're not turning interesting lyrical circles here. Trying to make dancing more than one “plan” doesn't actually help the fact that “plans” doesn't rhyme with “dance.” And seriously, your favorite brands? Okay, verse two:

I came to move
Get out the way of me and my crew
I'm in the club so I'm gonna do
Just what [censored] came here to do

Well, “do” and “crew” do actually rhyme, but neither of them even come close to rhyming with “move.” Again, not only are these not tricky lyrics, these are not tough words to rhyme-- find a rhyming dictionary and see what comes up for “move.” Or better yet, “do.”

Apparently, finding something to rhyme with “do” was such a challenge, Taio just gave up and rhymed “do” with... (ugh. too hard to think of a rhyming word) with “do.” That good, right? Brain hurt. No more think of rhyme.

Okay, time for the chorus:

Cause we gon' rock this club
We gon' roll all night
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Cause I told you once
Now I told you twice
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Beautiful, isn't it? But let's focus on my favorite part of this chorus: the “I told you once, now I told you twice.” This makes no sense... partly because he's only told us once, and has yet to tell us a second time, but also because it is obviously a filler line, with no real meaning of its own, and it still doesn't rhyme with the “rock this club, roll all night” it's supposed to match. This makes no sense: there's no shortage of words to rhyme with “night,” and (let's face it) “I told you once, I told you twice” isn't exactly the lyric holding the song together. Not only does it not make sense and not rhyme, but it also gets more useless as the song goes on: by the second chorus, he hasn't told us once... this is the third time he's telling us.

I've never spent this much time on lyrics before but these are just... so... stupid. I realize that dance music can have bad lyrics and still succeed, but that requires the music to be good (or at least energetic), and that gets us back to the start of this review. That a song this incompetent in every conceivable way is somehow popular kind of blows my hair back.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell: