My Darkest Days - Porn Star Dancing

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Is anyone surprised that the Nickelback-supported band fails to rock?

My Darkest Days
Porn Star Dancing
Sleaze
#99 (Low)
Nov 25, 2010
Chad Kroeger
Joey Moi
Matt Walst
Ted Bruner
Joey Moi

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Does no one fucking rock anymore? I suppose I had my hopes up with the band name, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they turned out to be one of those Hot Topic themed bands like Love's Dying Bleeding Love in Dying Bloody Death, or whatever they're called, but this song has Zakk Wylde as a guest guitarist. Even if I never cared for Zakk Wylde, I'm aware that he's an advocate of Rocking... and that's the only time I hear from him: if I read anything Wylde has to say, he's either reflecting on the strength and purity of his rock or disparaging all the girlymen that only pretend to rock (they pale before the power of his awesome rocking!) and should be destroyed.

And yet here we are, listening to the Mighty Rocking Zakk contributing to the sub-basement of post Downward Spiral dance music. I'm not actually going to spend too much time comparing this moronic shit to Nine Inch Nails; it makes me think of a different story...

In the late 60's and early 70's, Alice Cooper wasn't a him but a they-- it was a band name, a Detroit group that hung in the same time and place as the MC5 and The Stooges, but with a psychedelic bent, some baroque instrumental movements, and a tendency for freak out jams. When the band broke up and the lead singer took the name out for his solo act, he did okay for a while, but Alice Cooper was not an A-lister by the mid 80's. Eventually he looked around and saw the rock world was covered in makeup wearing dudes with teased up hair and, since he'd been doing that sort of thing when they were kindergärtners, he said “Move over, kids,” and became a hit again by sounding like Poison. So it goes: Alice's newest album cashes in on his early 70's garage days (so hip now... well, five years ago). It's sort of become a theme: Alice manages to join any trend he helped influence, but he always comes in too late and sounding more derivative of the kids than what he'd originally inspired them with. It doesn't make me love my copies of Easy Action or Love It To Death any less.

Long story not-so-short, the popular rise of Marilyn Manson inspired a me too in Alice (gothic death theatrics! I started that!)... “Porn Star Dancing” sounds like someone in 2010 trying to horn in on Alice Cooper from 2000 trying to compete with the 1996 version Marilyn Manson (which borrowed heavily from the NIN and Ministry push/pull in the early 90's). While I respect that everyone has influences and all artists draw from somewhere, I reserve the right to dislike anything this derivative.

Once again, the devil's in the details-- I can forgive all the derivation in the world for a catchy melody or some energy, fire, or personality, but this song's complete lack of rock doesn't leave me in a very forgiving mood. Throwing a guest solo over the top of the track doesn't do much to cover the fact that this is dance pop; these guys are about as dangerous and rebellious as Pink. It doesn't help any that I've started including writing credits for the music I review, and I find myself unable to ignore the fact a Nickelback collaborator co-wrote this song.

I know that generalizations are the devil (the people who use them should be killed! Every single one of them!), but all right-thinking people hate Nickelback.

Kylie won't kiss my friend Cassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all?

This may be my punishment for making a joke that I'd like “Strip Me” if it were actually about strippers, ironic penance sent from on high. I suppose “Porn Star Dancing” is more coherent than the Natasha Bedingfield song, because the verses are about girls with standards too high to sleep with this skeezy bastard, or if he could get them interested, he blows it by trying to get the girl to bring a friend (the “doesn't anybody live at all?” line just rubs salt in the wound... listen, guy, it's not because the girls are uptight; it's because you're a slimy douchebag).

Stacy's gonna save herself for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

Verse two is the girl who's “saving herself for marriage,” which I'm willing to bet was as honest a refusal of this guy's advances as “I'm a lesbian” or “the leader of my religion won't unlock my chastity belt until I'm 30” or “how many times do I have to tell you to fuck off?” But, hey, she's got a pair that's nice to stare at, brah!

The pole-dancing obsessed chorus, punctuated by reverbed out group chants of “Yeah!” so cheesy they'd have Def Leppard rolling their eyes, is actually sort of depressing: since singer has blown it with every woman in the world, he goes to a strip club, sits right up front, and watches a girl who engages in the titular (ha!) “Porn Star Dancing.” If “a dollar decides how far she'll go,” maybe he should just hire hookers and be done with it. Kylie may not want to kiss Cassandra, but if he's willing to pay their asking price, I'm sure Bambi and Pepper will do whatever he wants.

Gak. This song is my kryptonite, musically and lyrically. It's been a strange week: the “rock” band is the worst thing in the bunch (mostly because it's not rock at all, just hair band lyrics over crappy dance music)... it's well below the quality of the indie pop band and the country starlet.


Typing that made me feel dirty, and I think I need to put on my Black Breath record. (What is it with translucent blue vinyl, lately?)

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Plain White T's - Rhythm of Love

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Maybe I'm coming down with something... Plain White T's are sounding okay to me, too (or at least giving me very little to complain about)

Plain White T's
Rhythm of Love
Indie
#66 (LoMid)
Nov 25, 2010
Tim Lopez
Ian Kirkpatrick

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*sniff* It's got an indie pop body, but I'm getting notes of Beatles and Beach Boys, with maybe a The Mamas and the Papas finish. It's got a very 60s nose. I'm not one for the desert whites (I'm usually a shiraz man myself) but for a sweeter wine, this'll do.

I'm certainly learning a lot about perspective through this project. Compared to my record collection, the albums and songs that I truly love, “Rhythm of Love” barely charts: I'd never buy it, and if it were dumped as an MP3 into my hard drive, I'd probably press skip if it popped up in a shuffle. However, compared to a lot of the toxic waste that clutters the Billboard charts, this is a pleasant little tune. If I gave Taylor Swift a pass, I'm duty bound to let Plain White T's through, too.

Again, I'm not keeping this one-- this is on the Delete side of the Keep/Delete scales-- but it easily strides past all of the land mines that blow songs from okay to bad to oh my fucking god. No autotune is a good start, and sounding like a song that was actually written is another; no one will mistake the music for karaoke backing tracks... because... is that a ukulele? It's got some personality, even if it is a little... er... “cute,” I'm willing to say that it's rising above the risible pack for more than just simple competence (and, seriously, competence is enough to outpace most of the songs I've reviewed). It's actually pretty good.

This is a nice singing voice, for starters, with some decent range, and I like the harmonies quite a bit... they sound like they've been sung by a singer, as opposed to plugging someone into the Harmony-O-Matic 2000 and setting it for “Major Chord.” I appreciate the human touch.

I can occasionally go overboard about bad rhymes (I'll let the shock wear off before continuing), but I'm really not that rhyme obsessed. Some of my favorite songs have very rhythmic lyrics that have little to no interest in rhyme... no, but I hate writers who pretzel-bend lyrics to try and force a rhyme, even if there isn't one there, and completely wreck any kind of flow the song might have had. This song opens with “clouds” and “down” not rhyming, but my attention is focused on the charming head-in-the-clouds picture being painted. I find the couplet “I love the view from up here / Warm sun and wind in my ear” more annoying; yes, “ear” and “here” are a stronger rhyme, but I think “wind in my ear” is kind of a clunky lyric that got dropped in for the sake of the rhyme.

That's the exception, though-- the norm is fairly clever, as the song is pretty gracefully executed. The drums come in at the word “drum” in the “my heart beats like a drum” lyric; this is a nice example of prosody, especially given that the drums don't come in on the one. The word is at the end of the line, so prosody demands that the drums enter on the fourth beat of the line. It's not as iconic as “Stop! In the name of love,” but it's well applied and shows some imagination. Ditto dragging out the “slo-mo,” which rhymes with the previous line's “low,” but complete the word “motion” into the next chord. These are all marks of songwriters putting some thought and creativity into their craft, and if it seems like I'm overselling this, go back and listen to the Blake Shelton song. Book ends, folks. Book ends.

I can't really explain the difference between “Rhythm of Love” and a song I would keep-- it's an intangible element within music, and it's part of an incalculable personal taste. I am pretty pleased with my week so far: Taylor Swift was better than I expected, this song was pretty good, and I got to skip out on Glee (yay! I got to skip out on Glee!)

Not a lot to complain about.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taylor Swift - Mine

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If I give Taylor Swift a pass, am I going to hell?

Taylor Swift
Mine
Ballad
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 25, 2010
Taylor Swift
Nathan Chapman
Taylor Swift

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I think I've pre-judged Taylor Swift too harshly, because this song simply doesn't deserve the bile Rihanna, Taio Cruz, or (ick) Chris Brown warrant. She's actually debuting in the blog with the most palatable entry pop-country has offered me yet... though this might have something to do with it sounding almost nothing like country music. She's a pop star singing pop songs; there's some country in the harmonies, I guess, but there's a reason my genre/style labels are never “Dance” or “Rock” or “Country:” I'm trying to work with what the song actually is, as opposed the rack it calls home at Sam Goody.

My prejudice against Swift was born of all the jokes and causal digs regarding “unicorns and rainbows” lyrics, and I doubt I'll like that song if I hear it. Sure, this is a love song (I'm trying hard not to make that a Genre, because it could swell and consume the entire blog), but it's a story song first and foremost. Screenwriters, take note: it starts by introducing its characters, then it establishes and resolves conflict. I'm not calling Charlie Kaufman on the carpet or anything, but Taylor Swift (or, more likely, the songwriters she keeps locked up in her guest house) cracked a nut in three minutes that Kurt Wimmer's been struggling with for about five films now.

It bothers me a little that I'm stuck caveatting songs that aren't tragically inept and generically machined with “I don't like this song,” but giving “Mine” a Delete tag doesn't mean it's half as bad as “Mama's Song” or “Deuces.” There's some skill in both the writing and performance of this song. There's a line in the chorus, especially, that is pretty impressive: the “a careless man's careful daughter” is an amazing bit of writing economy. One quick line gives us an almost fully realized character, her current state, and her backstory. That's a pretty keen turn of a phrase, right there.

As for performance, I don't detect a hit on autotune on Swift's voice, which is always good. The thing that stands out about her, as I listen to this, is that she actually seems to infuse a bit of personality into the lyrics-- that's not a writer beat, it's the performer. While there are plenty of pop stars on the radio at any given time that can sing on key (or at least seem to), it sounds like Swift is trying to suppress a giggle during the line about “a drawer of my things at your place.” It's the kind of thing that sells a story, the kind of grace note that can't be written on the sheet music.

So... sure, it's a fluffy pop tune, and really not something I'd be anxious to listen to again, but it's done with some talent and skill. I've got to give it some credit.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Gwyneth Paltrow - Forget You

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Cannibalizing what you're tying to sell as you're selling it. Are you sure that's a good idea?

Gwyneth Paltrow
Forget You
(void)
#11 (High)
Nov 25, 2010
(void)

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We're not getting a review for my #High slot this week-- instead, this spot is reserved for a music industry rant.

I remember several years back (2001-2003ish) when the record industry was complaining loudly about how their #1 record of the year had sold something like 1/10^th the number of copies that a #1 record would have sold ten years before, and they blamed illegal downloading and pirating for their failing sales. The year's top 10 records, as far as sales were concerned, were largely greatest hits collections of pop star divas and collections of songs from the American Idol crowd-- this is what the big record labels were offering.

Somehow, nearly ten years later, they're still baffled by their failing sales. It hasn't dawned on these clowns that pirates aren't nearly as big a problem as their own personal failure to support, produce, and sell anything that isn't a greatest hits package or collection of cover songs people got to know on television. While the last fifteen years have been a boon to anyone who is willing to look for interesting music (they can find this music directly from the artists, in any genre, by way of independent blogs, internet radio, or even [gak] MySpace), they've been downright funereal for the big record labels, who keep shoveling the same drivel down the public's gullet and wonder why they aren't swallowing as quickly as they used to.

I'm only bringing this up now because, as I stated in post #1, I will not be reviewing anything from the cast of Glee, and I'm standing by that declaration. I'm only going off on my personal rant because Glee's cast is holding the #11 slot this week with Gwyneth Paltrow singing “Forget You,” which is, of course, the polite title of Cee Lo's “Fuck You,” currently at #9 on the charts. My pro-Cee Lo stance is no mystery on this blog, but I have to be equally as vocal about the fact that Cee Lo and Gwyneth Paltrow are now in direct competition on the Billboard top 20, and they're singing the same song. This is precisely the reason big music companies and radio stations are crumbling.

I say: good riddance. 

When the companies shilling Music Product fail, music's not going to stop-- hell, music might experience a resurgence when product gets culled from the herd. We can all make and distribute music now, and without the moronic Big Business selling us 15-year-old girl pop... well, that could result in popular music becoming a meritocracy. Imagine that! Between independent labels and completely unsigned musicians publishing themselves online, internet and XM radio, and simple word of mouth, the whole world of pop music would look much like the current world of “underground” music. This probably wouldn't affect Cee Lo in the least, but may possibly devastate Gwyneth Paltrow's career as a soul singer. 

One can only hope.