Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me

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Britney's next single: "Did It Hurt (When You Fell from Heaven)?"

Britney Spears
Hold it Against Me
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Feb 24, 2011
Max Martin
Lukasz Gottwald
Bonnie McKee
Mathieu Jomphe
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Billoard

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I suppose it was inevitable. I didn't know it when I started this, but Britney Spears has yet to go away... so, of course, she still shows up on the charts. I consider her the archetypal Pop Tart: the Prime Pop Tart from which all the teen girl pop stars have been generated for over ten years now. I'm not entirely sure why, but Brittney's a legend, in her own way: not even my media blackout could miss her legacy. She's been more headline than music for a long, long time, but with Lindsey Lohan (and more recently, Charlie Sheen) occupying the Celebrity Flame Out division of watercooler gossip, I'd foolishly assumed there was no more Britney Spears.

Seeing as this is coming after the gratingly talentless Taio Cruz, it actually sounds pretty good-- the complaints I have against Cruz's generic, limp backing tracks are thrown into sharp contrast by a grinding, propulsive rhythm and a lot of energy... which makes plenty of sense: the Spears product has always been backed by world-class pop producers and writers. It'd be more surprising if the song didn't sound pretty good. Pop stars of this pedigree usually have their singles arrive platinum dipped and diamond sparkling, and “Hold It Against Me” is custom tooled for maximum wow factor.

Until the chorus.

Oh... that chorus. Let's sidestep the obvious for a second and concentrate on the music: after building a driving track that demands attention, the chorus makes all of that interest disappear in a puff of smoke... energyless, bland smoke. In club music, this kind of sound (washes of spacey synths, pulling back the beat) is done for a short breath before the rhythm hits again-- it's usually dramatic and makes a dancefloor explode. Here, it stays too quiet too long; the whole chorus is a really ho-hum affair, which is even worse in a pop song where this part was supposed to be the hook.

If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

Cause you feel like paradise
And I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

The chorus, unfortunately is “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” No, really. That is the song, essentially-- she has to make a rhyme of it, so the actual chorus is “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me,” but she actually recites the joke, direct from 101 Cheesy Pick-Up Lines, in the middle break, doing her best breathy sex-kitten voice.

Besides being one of the stupidest lyrics ever written, it's just... so... childish. There's nothing actually sexy about the stock pop “I want your body.” Britney's image has become more than a little trashy: now that the tabloids and the internet have made headlines of her being a dirty, dirty girl, her lyrics (no matter how hard they try not to be) sound like awkward come-ons from the fumbling and inexperienced. The irony here is that she was catapulted to stardom as a virginal Disney princess, preaching purity while wearing an outfit that had more in common with  an adult costume store than a Catholic school.

The whole thing just sort of crumbles under its own weight: the music shoots itself in the foot every time the chorus comes up, and the lyrics achieve a level of stupidity few bad songs ever approach. And, seriously, after so many years, who would have thought Britney Spears, the Prime Pop Tart, would be so bad at being sexy?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Chris Brown - Look at Me Now

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Chris Brown tries to show skill, quits after three lines, hands it over to Busta Rhymes.

Chris Brown
Look at Me Now
Bragging
#11 (High)
Feb 10, 2011
None Listed
Diplo

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After plenty of connection and hardware issues, I fire this thing up to...

Damnit! Chris Brown?  Thanks for nothing.

“I say, Miffy. Thadeus' trousers are
of last year's fashion. We shan't be
inviting him to the party.”

Everything that comes from this guy makes me like him less than the last time I dealt with him. Of course, he's not doing himself any favors by opening with “I don't see how you can hate from outside of the club. You can't even get in.” Add a laugh that successfully mixes a thirteen-year-old bully with a hyena and we've established the most smugly infuriating personality this side of Princess from the Powerpuff Girls. I know boasts are traditional in hip hop, but why does it sound like Chris Brown's boasts are mocking the nerdy pledges not cool enough to join his frat?

I suppose we have to give Brown the tiniest bit of credit, because I usually complain about the laziness of his tracks along with his toxic persona. This song, while still excruciatingly awful, is light years from Chris Brown's safe bet, manufactured plastic. Instead of cookie-cutter dance music, the sounds here come from early 60's science fiction worthy of Mystery Science Theater 3000; when the song started, I was immediately transported to a laboratory where a scientist in horn-rimmed glasses was using tape driven computers to combat giant, undersea creatures.

She accidentally fall
trip on my dick
Oops, I said
on my dick
I ain't really mean
to say on my dick
but since we talkin
bout my dick
all you haters
say hi to it.

Similarly, Brown's lazy, pop star singing (autotuned to death) has been replaced with rapping, which also comes off as lazy... until he double-times it. While that does hint at a little ambition (he's trying to do something that requires a skill! Duck!), he can barely pull it off, and after two lines, just ends up repeating the words “on my dick” because he simply can't go that fast. On his dick? On his dick.

Did Jason Mewes write this? Was Silent Bob dancing behind him in the studio for effect?

And then he just gives up and literally says “I'm done,” and lets Busta Rhymes come in and show him how make that trick work. Yup, that's right: this is the audio equivalent of watching a kid fall off his skateboard, followed an older kid taking his board and upstaging him in front of his friends.

I can't say things get measurably better after Brown decides his own song is too much for him.  Sure, Busta Rhymes has a handle on how to do a Brag track without sounding like a moron, thug, or child, but he's bookended by a useless Chris Brown and (here we go again) Lil Wayne, who doesn't seem to have a lot of love for bitches or faggots... which, again, doesn't offend me: I'm not too PC or blushing at someone being inappropriate, I just don't have time for grown men with the collective mental age of a junior high kid.

A junior high kid failing everything but Phys Ed.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Lil Wayne - 6 Foot, 7 Foot

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Lil Wayne is silent, like so much of the pasta he admires

Lil Wayne
6 Foot, 7 Foot
Bragging
#11 (High)
Dec 30, 2010
Dwayne Carter
Peter Panky, Jr.
Shrondrae Crawford
Bangladesh

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Okay, that's just annoying.

Musically, this is just an endless repetition of two Harry Belafonte loops, thin and drained of all low end, just sort of chirping away. The Belafonte bedrock is assisted by low and large kick/sub/notes, and a single “ssh” sound and hand clap... set that up and just keep it going for four minutes.

Now marry that with a really monotonous freestyle from Lil Wayne... no chorus, no refrain, no nuthin-- it's just his unchanging, mid-paced flow until Cory Gunz shows up at the end. Somewhere after two minutes of Lil Wayne, he starts to sound like Chris Tucker in The Fifth Element to me (he's kinda squeaky), but I'm just beat until I'm numb by Wayne's nonstop barrage of syllables: at first, it seems like the sampled loop (“six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch!”) would serve as a refrain, but after a little bit, Wayne just raps over that, too... and to what end? The guy just keeps blasting away over his own song's chorus to pontificate the aural qualities of lasagna.

Paper tracer, tell that paper, look I'm right behind ya
Bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna
People say I'm borderline crazy sorta kinda
Woman of my dreams, I don't sleep so I can't find her
You n***a's are gelatin, peanuts to an elephant
I got through that sentence like a subject and a predicate

Wait, what?

Dude, think about what you're going to say before you say it. There are an amazing number of things that fail to make sense in that verse, even without the silent lasagna.

No matter how many ways I approach that, I can't find a way to make it less weird.  At its most clever (and this might be a stretch), he's insinuating that the"g" in lasagna is silent (it isn't-- that's like saying the "z"s in pizza are silent)... and that's the best possible interpretation.  Outside of that, I guess it might mean that noodles don't make noise.

When Cory Gunz takes his verse, he starts with a weird, almost flutey monotone that threatens to be more annoying than Lil Wayne, but not only does he ditch that tone after a few seconds, he also doubletimes some of his lines, giving the song some much needed varaiation in the vocal rhythm... the best flourish coming when, in the middle of rapid-fire lyrics, he says “pause” instead of pausing. It's almost like he was going so fast through the script, he read the stage directions aloud.

For as annoying as this song is, I've got to admit: it's different... so my annoyance is tempered by a grudging respect for anyone who thought this was a good idea (I never would have thought of that) and actually turned the annoying fucking thing into a hit.

How the hell did that happen? Can Lil Wayne make this sort of thing work with sheer force of will?

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Far East Movement - Like a G6

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An uptempo dance track about a downtempo chill scene.
Scanning for self-aware irony: None detected.

Far East Movement
Like a G6
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 9, 2010
Jae Choung

Virman Coquia

Niles Holowell-Dhar

Kevin Nishimura

James Roh

David Singer-Vine
The Cataracs

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Well there it is: the dreaded G6 song. This was the song that sat at Billboard's #1 when I started looking into how to tackle this project, it was #1 when I began writing, and stayed #1 even after that. “Like a G6” is absolutely the reason I didn't pick the number one song of any week as a review, a song would get there and just sit for weeks at a time... and still, I wondered about the song itself.

I wasn't so curious as to go out and listen to it until it landed on my review list-- let's not go nuts (I'm pretty much at capacity for pop hits. I'm not seeking out extras.) Camping at the top spot could could mean anything (iTunes sales to kids obsessed with sizzurp? Label payola?) Maybe the song's success is a result of the song itself being really good.

Stranger things have happened... but I'm glad I didn't have my hopes up.

Truth be told, this thing isn't that bad-- it's a total club song, even if the lyrics are the polar opposite of the music, this is a classic 303-style squelchy bassline with a retro drum machine beat (the lyrics call out the 808). It's probably done with emulators or soundalikes, because no one can afford a real TB-303 or TR-808 these days, but it's okay by me. High art it's not, and it can't compete with something that has great beats and music (I was listening to “Chonkyfire” off Aquemini today), but it is better than the limp beats I've heard from Will.i.am and so many others. “Like a G6” sounds like it belongs in a club; it actually sounds like people would dance to it. This beat is bangin' in exactly the way "Check It Out"s is not.

Poppin bottles in the ice
like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right
gettin slizzer'd
Sippin sizzurp in my ride
like Three 6
Now I'm feelin so fly
like a G6

and that's a bit of the problem: lyrically, this is not supposed to be a banging club track. The lyrics are all about getting slizzer'd on sizzurp (there's a wikipedia entry for it under Purple Drank; the wiki doesn't use the actual word, but that's sizzurp: codeine based cough syrup and soda), the flagship drink of chopped & screwed remixes. The chorus even calls out the Three 6 Mafia, formative in the style, but chopped & screwed tracks are slooooooow, sedated even, and not really built for dance clubs.

I probably have to explain: Michelle, our singer, showed us all Lil Jon, and his chopped & screwed remixes were the first I ever heard. Personally, I think it's pretty cool... and I have some love for Lil Jon, too. Whatever you think of him, Lil Jon's got a unique sound and infuses everything he does with his own distinct personality (and, if you can find it, track down the deleted-from-YouTube Lil Jon/Lazytown mashup. That thing rules). Regardless, this is one area where I'm slightly less of a hermit... I'm no authority, sure, but it doesn't take much to figure a sizzurp sippin, Three Six bumpin night doesn't end up at the dance clubs that play “Like a G6.”

Also, what the hell's a G6? Everyone seems to think it's a jet... but I can't find it. Claims made after the song became popular say it's slang for a Gulfstream G650, but I can't dig up anyone calling that plane a “G6” anywhere but in a reference to this song. If someone can offer up any information that Far East Movement isn't picking random syllables so they can rhyme with a call-out to the Three 6 Mafia, let me know. Right now, I'm unconvinced, and I'm going to dictate that any episodes of Fringe that are boring be called “Boringe” so we can finally have a word that rhymes with “orange.” It's no less arbitrary than what's going on here.

Generally, that's where I am with the song: it's not a bad dance track, but it's got antithetical lyrics and strangely Electroclash vocals in the chorus (now there's a fad whose 15 minutes couldn't end quickly enough.) I don't hate it, but it would definitely get on my nerves if I had to listen to it more than I just have.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Trey Songz - Bottoms Up

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Not bad.  Nice to hear a club track not so interested in boonch boonch boonch

Trey Songz
Bottoms Up
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 2, 2010
Tremaine Neverson
Onika Maraj
Edrick Miles
Tony Scales
Daniel Johnson
Kane Beatz

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Had a busy weekend (just back from Portland), so I'm running a bit late in my writing, but I have been listening to this week's offerings and... yeesh. If last week had some pleasant surprises, this week is overcompensating. No worries, though, because while I agree with Brad Bird's mouthpiece Anton Ego that “the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so,” but I also agree with the statement in Ratatouille that precedes that phrase: negative criticism is fun to write and to read. I love to be pleasantly surprised by the good, but sometimes bad is its own reward.

Pause for snarky retort. I don't disagree. And moving on...

“Bottoms Up,” this week's opening salvo, really isn't bad at all; it's a Club Anthem, sure, but it's not built on the 4-on-the-floor pre-fab beat and has a lot of neat turns in the melody. There's even some counterpoint in there (hey! counterpoint!), and some fun call and response as well:

My vision's blurred (confirmed!)
My words slurred (confirmed!)

It's good to have people that will confirm this type of thing for you.

Since this is a song about drinking in the club, dancing, and appreciating the way the girl is shakin' in them jeans, it's probably not fair to condemn it for having lyrics that are a little on the dumb side. The words are a frame to hang a lot of cool melodies within the slow swagger of a drowsy, euphorically drunk track.

It's a little strange when MC Chris shows up at the end-- I knew he went by MC Pee Pants on Aquateen Hunger Force, but apparently he uses Nicki Minaj as a pseudonym as well. I'm only half kidding; she really sounds like MC Chris, and (like him) she's somewhat endearing but still kind of annoying. Her best attributes are when she steps outside her normal flow and either gets little-bird-dainty (“excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm really such a lady”) or gravelly mean (“double my dosage”), but I think she's the weakest link in this chain.

This song is definitely well done, and I'm all for Trey Songz unseating lesser artists on the charts, but, stepping back to the wider perspective, I just played shows with Absence of Light and Order of the Gash, and crammed my sweaty self into a sold out Kylesa show... this club track really isn't going to capture my attention. Remember: until I fired up this blog, I never listened to big pop acts. One of these radio hits has to be pretty special to get shoulder-to-shoulder with the music in my real life.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Gwyneth Paltrow - Forget You

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Cannibalizing what you're tying to sell as you're selling it. Are you sure that's a good idea?

Gwyneth Paltrow
Forget You
(void)
#11 (High)
Nov 25, 2010
(void)

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We're not getting a review for my #High slot this week-- instead, this spot is reserved for a music industry rant.

I remember several years back (2001-2003ish) when the record industry was complaining loudly about how their #1 record of the year had sold something like 1/10^th the number of copies that a #1 record would have sold ten years before, and they blamed illegal downloading and pirating for their failing sales. The year's top 10 records, as far as sales were concerned, were largely greatest hits collections of pop star divas and collections of songs from the American Idol crowd-- this is what the big record labels were offering.

Somehow, nearly ten years later, they're still baffled by their failing sales. It hasn't dawned on these clowns that pirates aren't nearly as big a problem as their own personal failure to support, produce, and sell anything that isn't a greatest hits package or collection of cover songs people got to know on television. While the last fifteen years have been a boon to anyone who is willing to look for interesting music (they can find this music directly from the artists, in any genre, by way of independent blogs, internet radio, or even [gak] MySpace), they've been downright funereal for the big record labels, who keep shoveling the same drivel down the public's gullet and wonder why they aren't swallowing as quickly as they used to.

I'm only bringing this up now because, as I stated in post #1, I will not be reviewing anything from the cast of Glee, and I'm standing by that declaration. I'm only going off on my personal rant because Glee's cast is holding the #11 slot this week with Gwyneth Paltrow singing “Forget You,” which is, of course, the polite title of Cee Lo's “Fuck You,” currently at #9 on the charts. My pro-Cee Lo stance is no mystery on this blog, but I have to be equally as vocal about the fact that Cee Lo and Gwyneth Paltrow are now in direct competition on the Billboard top 20, and they're singing the same song. This is precisely the reason big music companies and radio stations are crumbling.

I say: good riddance. 

When the companies shilling Music Product fail, music's not going to stop-- hell, music might experience a resurgence when product gets culled from the herd. We can all make and distribute music now, and without the moronic Big Business selling us 15-year-old girl pop... well, that could result in popular music becoming a meritocracy. Imagine that! Between independent labels and completely unsigned musicians publishing themselves online, internet and XM radio, and simple word of mouth, the whole world of pop music would look much like the current world of “underground” music. This probably wouldn't affect Cee Lo in the least, but may possibly devastate Gwyneth Paltrow's career as a soul singer. 

One can only hope.

Usher - DJ Got Us Fallin In Love

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Damnit Usher, we talked about this...

Usher
DJ Got Us Fallin In Love
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 18, 2010
CurrentHiphop

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God damn it, Usher, I told you how I felt about this one-- back when it was crowding around the #3 spot (back when I was reviewing #3 as the "high" number Billboard entry), this was the first song I ever skipped. Now it's back, and I don't have a loophole that'll get me out of it this time. I'm blaming you for sticking me with this thing (after your redemptive turn last week).

And why are reviews of your songs directed to you personally? I don't do that for anyone else... not even Cee Lo, and I'm seriously considering buying his album.

The reason I didn't want to review this is not because it's bad, per se, but because it's so damned boring. I was already struggling for something worthy of comment the first time this song popped up... and that was before the last handful of stock techno club anthems. Seriously, what can I say about that ever present drum beat, the stock house chords, etcetera, etcetera? I'm getting bored just trying to list why this is boring. 

So remember the last time we talked? I admit that song wasn't brain-bendingly awful, and I have to say I like this song less than that... but, post-Taio Cruz, I know just how lousy these Club Anthems can get so I can't hate this song too much: this song is a standard house-based dance pop song, but in the first verse, when the filter sweeps down on the synth's rhythm chords, it's an indicator that someone did some work on the music. It's still hanging out with the cliché I always complain about, but at least it doesn't sound like you're singing over a royalty free backing track you downloaded on a whim.

Oh-- and you're not fooling anyone: the carpe diem (I suppose it's technically carpe noctem) lyrics about how we all live tonight like there's just right now, keep downin' drinks like there's no tomorrow, and hey... haven't we met before? Dude, she knows you're just trying to get her into bed. You're going to have to search out midwest farm girls if you want to find a lady who hasn't heard that one before, and you're not going to find many in metropolitan dance clubs.

The song actually has some energy and sounds danceable, which is a step up from the lifeless and boring “dance” songs I keep hearing. Pitbull's guest verse is raspy and crunky (he's not Lil Jon or anything, but he's a great change of pace), and, hey: I actually get the “boys get loose like Waka Flocka” reference. For as bored as I am with these songs, this is the best Club Anthem of the bunch so far... 

Seriously, though, I don't want to listen to any more dance pop based on decades-dusty house music. Can you please make them all go away?

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taio Cruz – Dynamite

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Ever wanted to hear someone rhyme "dance" with "plans" over lazily stolen house music? Here's your chance.

Taio Cruz
Dynamite
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 11, 2010
DJBooth

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The first and most obvious thing I noticed about "Dynamite" was the thuddingly clichéd bad-techno arrangement. How is the world not sick of this yet? I've only been doing this for a few weeks and I'm starting to have weird, Pavlovian negative reinforcement responses to anything that boonch boonch boonchs. I don't want to keep harping on my not hating electronic music (I don't hate dance music! I swear!), but the problem is the lifeless, lazy, boring recycling of the most mundane tropes of a scene that was pretty played out a decade ago.

It wasn't so long ago that music critics were claiming that Rock Is Dead, usually as a caption beneath a picture of the Chemical Brothers or Prodigy. The reason wasn't that the guitar was boring and the synth reigned supreme-- it was that the new electronic guys at the time were sparkling with life and creativity, and the rich and lazy rock gods were... well... they were the ones recycling boring clichés and churning out mundane retreads.

But here I am, listening to Taio Cruz... and it's just so... wimpy. I can't imagine anything this stale actually getting someone on the dance floor.

That's it: I'm writing a letter to Skinny Puppy. Maybe they can save us.

Even if Skinny Puppy came to our rescue and saved dance music from itself (wow-- I live in a really weird fantasy wonderland, don't I?), I don't think they could save Taio from himself. If we stop discussing the things that are always wrong with these songs (autotune, cookie cutter arrangements, boring beats), we're still stuck with the worst lyrics this side of Steve Miller. Observe:

I came to dance
I hit the floor, cause that's my plans
I'm wearing all my favorite brands
Give me some space for both my hands

First, only “hands” and “brands” actually rhyme... and this is not complex stuff. We're not turning interesting lyrical circles here. Trying to make dancing more than one “plan” doesn't actually help the fact that “plans” doesn't rhyme with “dance.” And seriously, your favorite brands? Okay, verse two:

I came to move
Get out the way of me and my crew
I'm in the club so I'm gonna do
Just what [censored] came here to do

Well, “do” and “crew” do actually rhyme, but neither of them even come close to rhyming with “move.” Again, not only are these not tricky lyrics, these are not tough words to rhyme-- find a rhyming dictionary and see what comes up for “move.” Or better yet, “do.”

Apparently, finding something to rhyme with “do” was such a challenge, Taio just gave up and rhymed “do” with... (ugh. too hard to think of a rhyming word) with “do.” That good, right? Brain hurt. No more think of rhyme.

Okay, time for the chorus:

Cause we gon' rock this club
We gon' roll all night
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Cause I told you once
Now I told you twice
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Beautiful, isn't it? But let's focus on my favorite part of this chorus: the “I told you once, now I told you twice.” This makes no sense... partly because he's only told us once, and has yet to tell us a second time, but also because it is obviously a filler line, with no real meaning of its own, and it still doesn't rhyme with the “rock this club, roll all night” it's supposed to match. This makes no sense: there's no shortage of words to rhyme with “night,” and (let's face it) “I told you once, I told you twice” isn't exactly the lyric holding the song together. Not only does it not make sense and not rhyme, but it also gets more useless as the song goes on: by the second chorus, he hasn't told us once... this is the third time he's telling us.

I've never spent this much time on lyrics before but these are just... so... stupid. I realize that dance music can have bad lyrics and still succeed, but that requires the music to be good (or at least energetic), and that gets us back to the start of this review. That a song this incompetent in every conceivable way is somehow popular kind of blows my hair back.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

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Willow Smith
Whip My Hair
Kid Pop
#11 (High)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

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As a responsible adult, I feel it is my duty to make sure everyone knows about the most recent threat to the delicate youth in our community.  More dangerous than marijuana, more deviant than sexting... I am referring, of course, to hair-whipping.  Respectable members of society cannot walk down the street without seeing these untamed and reckless children whipping their hair around, defying the most precious rule of mature social interaction: Thou Shalt Not Whip Thy Hair.

"Stop whipping your hair back and forth, you crazy kids!"  We plead in vain.  They continue to whip their hair.  It seems to be unstoppable; kids are whipping their hair back and forth on every sidewalk in the nation, sometimes as late as 7:00... even 8:00 at night.

Parents: talk to your children.

I keep going back to “Of course I don't listen to the radio; I'm not a fifteen year-old girl” as I work on this, and “Whip My Hair” provides a fantastic example. I guess it shouldn't be a shock-- we dwell in the Age of Bieber, and kiddie pop is a massive commodity... but it's not being marketed to me, and isn't something anyone old enough to drive should have to listen to. The endless, squeaky repetition of “I whip my hair back and forth” in the chorus is irritating enough to make The Chipmunks sound appealing in comparison.

Billboard lists her as Willow, but it wasn't until I looked down at my MP3 player that I saw that this was in fact Willow Smith-- ah! I vaguely remember hearing about this: she's Will Smith's youngest child, here to further Smith™ brand entertainment and help her family take over the world.

I did see The Karate Kid remake (ironically set in China, and featuring no karate) and I spent the entire movie wishing I could strangle the older Smith kid. Will's son, Jaden, spends the entire movie looking smug... the kind of entitled self-worship that wafts off this little boy seems like it might be his best impression of his dad's trademark, laid back cool, but it's not a very good impression. The kid seems like a prick.

Here, it sounds like Willow is being poised to follow in her father's Nickelodeon-friendly, early career, but this “we ain't doin nuthin wrong, so don't tell me nuthin” posturing is just annoying. I didn't like it when Pink was selling it, but coming from a 10-year-old? The song feels like the Disney-run Dev2.0; music written by adults struggling to find lyrics innocuous enough for parents to purchase and rebellious enough for kids to want it. I'd say the wild and irascible act of whipping one's hair was a poor choice... but I must be wrong, because here it is in the Top 20, so somebody must be buying it.

Musically, this thing sounds... expensive. While there's no pre-fab techno beat here, every sound has been cut by diamonds and coated in platinum. This is not a quickly tossed-off product by a pop machine looking for a quick hit; Smith™ entertainment is looking to establish a brand, and they pulled out all the stops: at any second during this song, something is being echoed, pitch bent, time stretched, filtered, reverberated, doubled, or otherwise made to sparkle.

No Means No - Live!

The result is nothing short of obnoxious: the music is inhuman, the voice is a prepubescent chirp, the lyrics are idiotic, and the chorus will make any adult want to punch a wall. Adults surviving this track-- we all need to listen to aging Canadian punks as soon as possible. My gift to you: grownups.

I do worry about the Smith children and the existential crisis that looms in their future-- Normally, the children of celebrities have a tough time, and the norm for child stars is... well... I guess "bleak" is the word.  The Smith children are members of both camps: theses are now child stars whose famous parents are propping them up in the public eye.  I'm actually hoping they don't get eaten by the Fame Monster in the next few years... no matter how cocky they seem as gradeschoolers, I don't think anyone wants to see kids crash and burn.
 

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rihanna - Only Girl (In the World)

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Rihanna
Only Girl (In the World)
Club Anthem
#4 (High)
Oct 21, 2010
YouTube

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I guess it was bound to happen, but I didn't expect it so soon in the project-- Nelly's not letting go of that #3 spot. Makes sense that the upper echelons aren't going to move much, packed in at the front of the line and pushing... so in order to avoid repeats, I slid back one.

And, hey, look, it's Rihanna! I've never listened to her before, but I have at least heard of her: I know one thing about Rihanna (I'll just link you back to Chris Brown). So this is the first of many techno-themed pop songs in my cue this week... I'm calling it a club anthem because this thing doesn't really seem to live by its lyrics. But techno seems to be my overriding theme this week.

A little backstory (looks like this project is going to be rife with backstory, anecdotes, and colloquial asides... sorry, but that's just me)-- I remember when a group of friends, gathered in a living room, had someone break out a tape of new music, called “house.” The rave scene was still underground, and though electronic music had been around for a long time (I had a thing for Art of Noise when I was in high school), none of us had heard of house music. The stuff I had at the time didn't age well, but for a short bout it was exciting simply because is was so different from everything else.

A lot of that music's elements are everywhere now-- current music is awash in boonch, boonch, boonch beats and fixed-interval oscillator detunes. Don't get me wrong: I'm not against any kind of electronica in general, and I'm very much for new sounds entering the musical lexicon: it gives us all a bigger sandbox to play in.

Some of this problem might be my preconceptions, because I usually assume that the R&B stars have a bedrock of funkiness, and I'm heading into week 2 and haven't heard a hint of funk yet. The house movement might have had one thing on it's mind (just like this song): Dance Dance Dance! But with the robotic mechanics of the inhuman beats and sequenced synths, it was profoundly unfunky. It was the anti-funk.

I can't hold this song responsible for my pre-conceived notions, but my other problem is, while I think it's cool that myriad styles can be incorporated into new music, this doesn't borrow from the house movement: it's basically the same bad dance music that hit mTV in the early 90's. It's a 2 Unlimited song. And I'm not about to champion 2 Unlimited, but at least they were working with the new trend in music... this doesn't borrow from dance music from the early 90's, it doesn't incorporate elements of, draw inspiration from, re-interpret ideas of, borrow a cup of sugar from, or sneak down the alley behind 20-year-old techno-pop songs. It is a 20-year-old techno-pop song.  The call is coming from inside the house!

It's just so played out. My problem with that cliche'd autotune effect-- that cliché is newer than this cliché. The prefab backing track of this song actually has dust on it... but I'll bet the club goes crazy when they play it on a saturday night. It just baffles me when I hear this kind of thing spilling out of the radio via the open window of a passing car.

Why would anyone listen to this while sitting down?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Nelly - Just a Dream

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Nelly
Just a Dream
Power Ballad
#3 (High)
Oct 14, 2010
YouTube

Artist:
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I've had a theory for a while-- when grunge seemed to kill the vapid, narcissistic beast that was hair metal (see also: butt rock), the whole personality of that scene reemerged in R&B almost immediately. So when the rock stations turned dour and serious, the pop stations started to feature songs by guys who sang about how much money they have, how awesome their cars are, how wild and excessive their parties are, and how many sleazy women are in their bed nightly.

I think I've discovered another parallel between those two genres: eventually, any party rockin' hairspray consumer would pick up an acoustic guitar or plop down behind a piano and write a sad, sensitive song about the girl who is now peeling the spandex off another (probably inferior) rocker.

So my first entry is a type of song I haven't heard in many, many years: the power ballad. From the guitar opening, it easily could have been the intro to a lost love song by Warrant or Extreme circa 1989... and honestly, the programmed beats and electronic flourish that fill out the body of the song don't change all that much-- this song is totally a lost love power ballad.

Going back to my ignorance, this is the first Nelly song I've heard, and while it is sort of what I expected from a chart topper (in that it's incredibly bland-- I couldn't have asked for a more average song), I'm pleasantly surprised by a few things.

First, it's not noticeably autotuned, which is nice, and indicates that Nelly might be actually be able to sing... it's still a dodgy bet, because anything might have been done to his voice with the sparkly, platinum dusted production on this song.

Second, the bridge is awesomely ironic-- it mixes the club anthem “put your hands up” with the power ballad pull-back. So all of the beats go away and all you've got is a very quiet, plaintive guitar. Kinda makes you cry, eh? And then (remember, there are no beats here) the lyrics are “If you've ever been in love, put your hands up.” I don't know if someone's being clever and subverting a cliché, or if it's just the most misplaced “put your hands up” call-out since Jon LaJoie. Either way, I thought it was pretty entertaining.

Not a bad start, but I don't see myself becoming a fan...

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell: