Pitbull - Bon Bon

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It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job!

Pitbull
Bon Bon
Club Anthem
#99 (Low)
Dec 2, 2010
Matthew Handley
Nicola Salerno
Armando C. Perez
Andrew Stanley
Duncan Maclennan
Renato Carosone
Yolanda Be Cool & D Cup
Nicola Fasano

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You're kidding, right? No, seriously.

Okay, if they're calling this a complete song, can I just write “Bon bon bon bon” as my review and call it done?

No fair! Double standard!

The problem here is that I have nothing to write about. There's one synth line, which sounds like it ought to back Sonic the Hedgehog racing across the screen... except simpler (would have been too much to ask for three notes, guys? Is the two note line as much work as you're willing to put in?). The beat actually has some nice layers but, like the synth line, it never changes. If you've heard 30 seconds of this song, you've heard the whole thing; unfortunately, you keep hearing it for 3:30.

Somehow, it took six people to write this... sort of.  Looking up the writer/producer credits, I discovered this was an immediate remix/cover of another song still on the charts; I don't know how the "writing" credits break down between Pitbull's track and the original composition.  Nevertheless, nothing this simple should have that many names attached.

Another difficulty I'm having is a lack of Spanish; I don't speak a word, so all I get from this song is the neverending chant of “Bon bon bon bon,” which, much like every other aspect of this song, is repeated too often and for too long. It. Just. Won't. Stop! Please make it stop!

Google Translate seems to imply that this is a Club track, and I can't imagine this song working in any other way: dance to the beat. You have three and a half minutes of uninterrupted kick drum, and even the bon bon bons are more percussion than lyrics, so the only thing I can imagine anyone getting from this track is a beat by which to dance.

Beyond that, it's likely to get stuck in your head the way repetitive children's music will lodge itself in the lizard center of your brain. “Bon Bon” is the “I Love You” of dance music; Pitbull is Barney.

One more note before I flee from this song forever: the lyrical highlight from Google Translate is “Lady Gaga tell I'm putting together a scandalous manner.”

 

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Will.i.am - Check It Out

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Will.i.am explores new levels of annoying

Will.i.am
Check It Out
Bragging
#66 (LoMid)
Dec 2, 2010
Onika Maraj
William Adams
Geoff Downes
Trevor Horn
Bruce Woolley
Will.i.am

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Before I listened to this song, I knew two things about Will.i.am: 1) he was in Black Eyed Peas, and is therefore at least partially responsible for the indescribably awful “My Humps” song, and 2) he was in the also indescribably awful X-Men spin-off movie. With “Check It Out,” the facts are hinting not so subtly at 3) Will.i.am sucks.

Further research would be required to prove point #3, but it's not research I'm willing to do. I feel this guy's already wasted enough of my time.

I remember a music teacher, back in the mid 80's, who responded to a kid's question “Will we learn any rap music?” by drawing one bar of music, three notes, on the blackboard and said “Play that for three minutes.” Sure, he was being an intolerant old bastard who had no respect for the new stuff (just like his parents had no respect for The Beatles), but he wasn't exactly wrong either: a lot of of early hip hop tracks were built from one loop and didn't offer much variation through the song.

As an Outkast fan that just bought Big Boi's new album, I'm well aware that hip hop's evolved quite a bit since then-- it's a shame no one told Will.i.am. “Check It Out” is based around a Buggles loop (did they have more than one song? This is the only one I've ever heard) that seems to have been scientifically selected for maximum annoyance: not only will you be listening to these three chords for the next 4:00, the punishingly squeaky “oh oh” will keep resurfacing to clap you in the eardrum.

A talented wordsmith could make a playground of this, no matter how repetitive and annoying the music was... but Will.i.am is not that man. The refrain, for example, is “Check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out,” and the verses have less rhythmic complexity than Joaquin Phoenix's bumbling hip-hop career relaunch (played for sad laughs). If Phoenix had been autotuned as much as Will.i.am is here, they'd fit well together on a split EP.

Step up in the party like my name was "that bitch"
all these haters mad because I'm so established
they know I`m a beast yeah I'm a fucking savage
haters you can kill yourself
In my space shuttle and I'm not coming down
I'm a stereo and she's just so monotone
sometimes it's just me and all my bottles all alone
I ain't coming back this time

Lyrically, the song is very simple. It says: Will.i.am and Nicki Minaj both have a lot of detractors, but fuck the haters, because Will & Nicki are awesome and so is this song. It doesn't take much to debunk this hypothesis; hell, I wasn't even a hater until I had to listen to this awful thing. The first verse alone (this week's second Nicki Minaj appearance- the song is actually co-credited between the two of them, but Will.i.am has the producer and main writer credits) comes off more like the paranoid ramblings of a tinfoil hat enthusiast than a real rapper firing up a Brag track.

Oh, we just had to kill it
we on the radio hotter than a skillet
we in the club making party people holler
money in the bank means we getting top dollar
I'm a big baller, you a little smaller
step up to my level you need to grow a little taller
I'm a shot caller, get up off my collar
you a chiuaua, I`m a rottweiler

The pre-chorus keeps insisting “I can't believe it, it's so amazing. I can't believe it, this beat is bangin,” almost as if the song keeps telling you how rockin the song is, we're going to give in and eventually agree. Unfortunately, the reason he can't believe the beat is bangin is because it just isn't. I'm glad it's not the House Beat of Creative Bankruptcy, but the beat is just a kick pattern (clocking in somewhere between bland and serviceable) and a neverending hand clap on the 2 and 4. What are we supposed to be checking out again?

And the writing... oh, the writing... “check out” the pains he takes to make Chihuahua rhyme with Rottweiler. Yup, you are a “rot-wallah.” I honestly haven't heard a rapper this bad in a long time: the lyrics are moronic, the rhymes are the worst kind of forced nonsense, the rhythm is like listening to a guy counting out the beat, and the melody has been autotuned up from nothing. The lyrics could easily have been “One and two and three and four and five and six and seven,” take a breath on the eighth beat, “One and two and three and four and five and six and seven,” and run it through autotune, and, alright-- track done.
 

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Eminem - Love the Way You Lie

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I didn't figure Eminem would have the first Sad Bastard song on the list

Eminem
Love the Way You Lie
Sad Bastard
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 2, 2010
Marshall Mathers
Alexander Grant
Holly Hafferman
Makeba Riddick
Alex da Kid
Makeba Riddick

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While I've never been even a casual fan, I'm not going to deny that Eminem's got talent. As a matter of fact, as the weeks progress and I listen to a wide and random selection of rappers, I'm more impressed with his particular skill than I would have been if someone had played me this track before I heard Wiz Khalifa and Tyga. In the pack of Billboard stars, Emimem's absolutely an A-lister.

Regardless of the rapper's skill, “Love the Way You Lie” isn't a very good song. It comes off fairly one-note, with verses in Eminem's signature throaty yell, separated by a sad and balladic chorus sung by an un-autotuned Rihanna (hey, looks like she can sing). Lyrically, it plays like a celebrity explaining away his own headlines and presence in the national hype machine... an okay narrative, I suppose, but I'm not really drawn in by it.

For the record, I respect Eminem's honesty. No matter what you think of his oft-reported behavior or his records, you have to admit he's not a celebrity handled by PR men-- his lyrics truly represent who he is and what he feels. It may be hateful or misogynist, it may be a bad career move, it may illuminate our image of a childish idiot (an image he's too stubborn to stop perpetuating), but he meant what he said when he said it. Since I spend a lot of time complaining about pre-processed product being passed off as music, this kind of honesty counts for something. If Eminem's reprehensible, at least he's genuinely reprehensible, and he's not going to bullshit anyone about it.

You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you I'm watchin you we go all out
The club can't even handle me right now

This song, then, is the story of the violent relationship told by the violent man: they were desperately in love once, no one wants to have that kind of thing turn sour, emotions run high during the screaming matches and things get out of control. Most anyone who's been in a serious relationship or two has been in the fight this song can evoke... he never physically hurts the girl, but punches the wall and the guy she's out with (general, violent, jealous guy behavior). It feels pretty selfish coming from a guy who made headlines and earned probation time for the first verse.

There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Again, I believe Eminem-- this song feels like a public apology, sure, and probably a sincere one-- but it also feels like Sad Bastard self pity. There are a lot of promises to never do this sort of thing again, but he's self aware enough to know he's full of shit and honest enough to tell us. The gestalt of the piece is that love can go bad, fights can get intense, he doesn't mean for things to get out of hand... but they do, they always will, and he's going to get violent, so what can you do? At least he's sad about it.

Having a famous domestic abuse victim sing the choruses is kind of an odd choice, too-- if you're going to have an “I'm sorry I've been such a violent guy” song and yet have it end with immolating the person you're apologizing to, why have the sad, soul singer chorus containing “I love the way it hurts” sung by Rihanna of all people?

Even though I'm still impressed with Eminem's rhythm and gift for internal rhyme, the song itself is pretty generic: alternating verses and choruses over (admittedly interesting and well composed) beats laced with mopey acoustics. None of the cleverness displayed in the details from line to line make it into the structure of the song: nothing ever changes, it just keeps sulking sadly along.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Trey Songz - Bottoms Up

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Not bad.  Nice to hear a club track not so interested in boonch boonch boonch

Trey Songz
Bottoms Up
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 2, 2010
Tremaine Neverson
Onika Maraj
Edrick Miles
Tony Scales
Daniel Johnson
Kane Beatz

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Had a busy weekend (just back from Portland), so I'm running a bit late in my writing, but I have been listening to this week's offerings and... yeesh. If last week had some pleasant surprises, this week is overcompensating. No worries, though, because while I agree with Brad Bird's mouthpiece Anton Ego that “the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so,” but I also agree with the statement in Ratatouille that precedes that phrase: negative criticism is fun to write and to read. I love to be pleasantly surprised by the good, but sometimes bad is its own reward.

Pause for snarky retort. I don't disagree. And moving on...

“Bottoms Up,” this week's opening salvo, really isn't bad at all; it's a Club Anthem, sure, but it's not built on the 4-on-the-floor pre-fab beat and has a lot of neat turns in the melody. There's even some counterpoint in there (hey! counterpoint!), and some fun call and response as well:

My vision's blurred (confirmed!)
My words slurred (confirmed!)

It's good to have people that will confirm this type of thing for you.

Since this is a song about drinking in the club, dancing, and appreciating the way the girl is shakin' in them jeans, it's probably not fair to condemn it for having lyrics that are a little on the dumb side. The words are a frame to hang a lot of cool melodies within the slow swagger of a drowsy, euphorically drunk track.

It's a little strange when MC Chris shows up at the end-- I knew he went by MC Pee Pants on Aquateen Hunger Force, but apparently he uses Nicki Minaj as a pseudonym as well. I'm only half kidding; she really sounds like MC Chris, and (like him) she's somewhat endearing but still kind of annoying. Her best attributes are when she steps outside her normal flow and either gets little-bird-dainty (“excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm really such a lady”) or gravelly mean (“double my dosage”), but I think she's the weakest link in this chain.

This song is definitely well done, and I'm all for Trey Songz unseating lesser artists on the charts, but, stepping back to the wider perspective, I just played shows with Absence of Light and Order of the Gash, and crammed my sweaty self into a sold out Kylesa show... this club track really isn't going to capture my attention. Remember: until I fired up this blog, I never listened to big pop acts. One of these radio hits has to be pretty special to get shoulder-to-shoulder with the music in my real life.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell: