Eric Church - Smoke a Little Smoke

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Eric Church
Smoke a Little Smoke
Party Anthem
#99 (Low)
Nov 4, 2010
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I have to lead with a flat out statement that I dislike this song, because if I don't, everything point I make is going to sound like praise in the wake of Rascal Flatts. I don't think “Smoke a Little” smoke is a good song, but it is so much less infuriating than “Why Wait” (the only other pop country tune so far) that it can't help but come up on top.

First, it begins with an acoustic guitar... it actually sounds like country when it starts. Of course, it's not country-- it's the same hybrid pop style (with synth flourishes and dance beats) as all the other generic stuff it'll be shuffled in with-- but at least when it starts, my first thought was “Country.”

Second, this song is not going to be endorsed by the Christian Coalition. If it's still light years from Charlie Daniels' “Long Haired Country Boy,” at least it's not Values Porn for them that think pro wrestling and Fox News are real. This is a Party Anthem, plenty proud to drink cheap beer and smoke weed... even though I have a hard time imagining a real good ole' boy drinking and smoking to an overproduced pop song like this.

It tips its hand that this won't be doing anything traditional when the song starts putting in the rhythmic, tempo-locked tremolo on the guitars that originally sounded country-- they start getting “Ana Ng” (or “How Soon Is Now?”) early on-- as the intro establishes itself with one guitar on the left, trading with a guitar on the right, and then a third guitar line in the center that sort of flies in for one little line at the end of each phrase... this thing was obviously just pasted together on a computer.

Through the first verse, until the big electric guitars and synths come in, I suppose this song could pass as the relatively-old-style pop country that Garth Brooks used to sell in the 90s (that's the most backhanded compliment I've ever given), but once all the massive pop production is rolling full speed, it sounds more Steve Winwood than Brooks.

...okay, how much of a descent was that? Didn't I start out with Charlie Daniels?

To back away from the hyperbole precipice, this is a considerably better written and produced song than “Why Wait;” they're both carefully studio-machined pop pieces that have only the remotest resemblance to Country Music, but “Smoke a Little Smoke” actually sounds like it was written by a person, as opposed to an ad agency, two marketing committees, and three months of focus groups.

Not to be shallow, but-- when did the country stars all start looking like hipster douchebags?

And finally-- why is it so hard to find legitimate streaming links for these pop country tunes?  There's a "media awareness" joke to be made here, but I want a few more country tunes to come up in my roster before I start poking fun.  We'll see how the trends pan out...

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rascal Flatts - Why Wait?

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Rascal Flatts
Why Wait
Values Porn
#66 (LoMid)
Nov 4, 2010
MusicInfo

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And I thought anything would sound good after Chris Brown...

I actually didn't realize this was supposed to be country until the fiddle snuck in under the music-- with the guitar sound and the big, reverby 80's drums I thought an “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” kind of song had somehow ended up on the charts. Have Tears for Fears or INXS come back into vogue? Oh, wait: violin and a southern accent. This must be what gets played on the country stations.

Trying not to be a hypocrite, I'll admit right now that I have exactly two Johnny Cash albums, one Willie Nelson record, and two out of the three were released after 1990, so I am not a massive authority on country music. I will claim some bluegrass acumen; I've seen John Prine and love Gillian Welch's stuff with David Rawlings (one of my all-time favorite guitarists), but I fully admit: I am not a country boy.

That really shouldn't even figure in, because this is just a pop song. I will give it points for featuring a band (hey! musicians!) and a singer who hasn't been digitized into oblivion, but... somehow that makes it worse for me. I know, I know: I'm a fickle bastard, but it's almost depressing thinking about a group of players physically churning out product. This song isn't better than Nelly's in any measurable way.

From a certain angle, it's worse, because of its Values Porn implications. This fits a niche I've heard in the genre before: it's usually aimed at a very Christian Coalition, Morning in America sort of listener-- church going “old fashioned” folk who believe everything was simpler way back when, and don't believe in pre-marital sex or divorce. Personally, I think it's funny to advertise nostalgia for the Reagan 80's, whose defining feature was nostalgia for the Eisenhower 50's.  This song isn't as overt as some, but it's definitely preaching to a choir... and I've had my fill of this preacher and this choir, and I really want them to go away.  

So “Why Wait” is basically a marriage proposal, most likely an anthem to many highschool sweethearts who are finding themselves in a family way this year, but it manages to work in not just church, but even the fact that he loves your mamma (how can you not marry this guy?) It's as impersonal a song as any other generic pop tune I've found so far: this isn't a song written by a guy in love, it's a commercial for marriage written by an ad agency.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Chris Brown - Yeah 3x

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Chris Brown
Yeah 3x
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

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Seeing Chris Brown return makes me think about how compromised my view of him is. Since I love The Onion and I read The Onion's AVClub (which cares little for celebrity gossip, but finds humor in hubris, spectacle, and larger than life ridiculousness), I can't help but know that Chris Brown plead guilty to domestic abuse, put a backhanded apology video on YouTube, and tends to whine narcissisticly when he catches flak for hitting girls. When I hear a Chris Brown song, it's not just the song: there's a lot of backstory attached.

Putting my distaste for this guy aside, my image of him is basically informed by violence-- blood and bruises. So now that I've listened to two of his songs... why does he sound like such a pussy? “Yeah 3x” is basically the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” but even if I think Pink's attitude is a put-on, she still sounds like she'd kick this guy's ass in front of the club. So does Adam Lambert, guyliner and all, now that I think of it. Hell, Willow Smith sounds more intense than this guy.

And when I say this is the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” I mean it-- the chorus is “Hold your glasses up, people everywhere, now everybody put your hands in the air. Say: Yeah Yeah Yeah.” I know... pure poetry. And I was starting to worry that put your hands in the air was fading from the limelight-- we've got to thank ole' Chris for keeping that torch burning,

Among other things: Chris Brown is also a revivalist for the Non-Threatening Rap Verse Towards The End Of A Non-Threatening Pop Song, the likes of which I haven't heard since Bobby Brown contributed to the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. Chris Brown's entry (ending with “So DJ turn it loud, and watch me turn it up. Don't worry about it, we here to party, so Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!”) is so moronic I'm actually getting nostalgic for almost-rhymes about Vigo, the master of evil.

I'll be shocked if this guy writes any kind of music; this amazingly bland techno pop is the kind of prefabricated non-music I always complain about, and I'm sure it was handed to him by a producer. There's not a single note sung where his voice isn't autotuned, so, after two songs with Chris Brown, I'm pretty sure he can't sing (or he would have done it by now) and I'm not sure he's demonstrated any skills or talent.

I have been told that Chris Brown is an exceptionally beautiful man... I imagine that's how he got this job. He doesn't seem to do anything: he's a pop singer who can't (or at least doesn't) sing, so I figure he's there to model and pose. That starts to put the violence in perspective, too-- all the whining and egotism from Brown in the wake of his headlines hint that this is not a comfortable guy. I wonder how great the divide is between his self image and his public image.

It probably doesn't matter-- he's got his name on a song that is one of the worst so far. A lot of the songs I've disliked have been generic retreads of techno-pop, but this one is so wimpy and lifeless it even fails at being recycled dance music. I doubt the music took longer than ten minutes to assemble, the lyrics were written by a 3^rd grader, and it's sung by a computer.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

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Willow Smith
Whip My Hair
Kid Pop
#11 (High)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

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As a responsible adult, I feel it is my duty to make sure everyone knows about the most recent threat to the delicate youth in our community.  More dangerous than marijuana, more deviant than sexting... I am referring, of course, to hair-whipping.  Respectable members of society cannot walk down the street without seeing these untamed and reckless children whipping their hair around, defying the most precious rule of mature social interaction: Thou Shalt Not Whip Thy Hair.

"Stop whipping your hair back and forth, you crazy kids!"  We plead in vain.  They continue to whip their hair.  It seems to be unstoppable; kids are whipping their hair back and forth on every sidewalk in the nation, sometimes as late as 7:00... even 8:00 at night.

Parents: talk to your children.

I keep going back to “Of course I don't listen to the radio; I'm not a fifteen year-old girl” as I work on this, and “Whip My Hair” provides a fantastic example. I guess it shouldn't be a shock-- we dwell in the Age of Bieber, and kiddie pop is a massive commodity... but it's not being marketed to me, and isn't something anyone old enough to drive should have to listen to. The endless, squeaky repetition of “I whip my hair back and forth” in the chorus is irritating enough to make The Chipmunks sound appealing in comparison.

Billboard lists her as Willow, but it wasn't until I looked down at my MP3 player that I saw that this was in fact Willow Smith-- ah! I vaguely remember hearing about this: she's Will Smith's youngest child, here to further Smith™ brand entertainment and help her family take over the world.

I did see The Karate Kid remake (ironically set in China, and featuring no karate) and I spent the entire movie wishing I could strangle the older Smith kid. Will's son, Jaden, spends the entire movie looking smug... the kind of entitled self-worship that wafts off this little boy seems like it might be his best impression of his dad's trademark, laid back cool, but it's not a very good impression. The kid seems like a prick.

Here, it sounds like Willow is being poised to follow in her father's Nickelodeon-friendly, early career, but this “we ain't doin nuthin wrong, so don't tell me nuthin” posturing is just annoying. I didn't like it when Pink was selling it, but coming from a 10-year-old? The song feels like the Disney-run Dev2.0; music written by adults struggling to find lyrics innocuous enough for parents to purchase and rebellious enough for kids to want it. I'd say the wild and irascible act of whipping one's hair was a poor choice... but I must be wrong, because here it is in the Top 20, so somebody must be buying it.

Musically, this thing sounds... expensive. While there's no pre-fab techno beat here, every sound has been cut by diamonds and coated in platinum. This is not a quickly tossed-off product by a pop machine looking for a quick hit; Smith™ entertainment is looking to establish a brand, and they pulled out all the stops: at any second during this song, something is being echoed, pitch bent, time stretched, filtered, reverberated, doubled, or otherwise made to sparkle.

No Means No - Live!

The result is nothing short of obnoxious: the music is inhuman, the voice is a prepubescent chirp, the lyrics are idiotic, and the chorus will make any adult want to punch a wall. Adults surviving this track-- we all need to listen to aging Canadian punks as soon as possible. My gift to you: grownups.

I do worry about the Smith children and the existential crisis that looms in their future-- Normally, the children of celebrities have a tough time, and the norm for child stars is... well... I guess "bleak" is the word.  The Smith children are members of both camps: theses are now child stars whose famous parents are propping them up in the public eye.  I'm actually hoping they don't get eaten by the Fame Monster in the next few years... no matter how cocky they seem as gradeschoolers, I don't think anyone wants to see kids crash and burn.
 

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Recalibrating

Well, the #3 spot is kind of a pain: the top of the charts is pretty static and doesn't move around much... so I'm re-picking my numbers.  Originally, I just thought I'd move #3 up, but the whole system was lacking balance, so let's try #11, #33, #66, and #99. I'm hoping 11 is far enough down to be dynamic.

Since all the numbers have changed (and may change again), I'm tagging/labeling these things by their relative position.  I know my nerdy engineering side is showing, but from the top of the charts down I'm calling these High (#11), HiMid (#33), LoMid (#66), and Low (#99).  There-- fixed; if I have to change numbers again, at least posts will stay consistent.

...and I wanted to pick the numbers before the Billboard site updated, and with any luck Taylor Swift will be out of #11 next week.  Oh please god, no Taylor Swift.