Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Britney's next single: "Did It Hurt (When You Fell from Heaven)?"

Britney Spears
Hold it Against Me
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Feb 24, 2011
Max Martin
Lukasz Gottwald
Bonnie McKee
Mathieu Jomphe
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Billoard

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):



Producer(s):

I suppose it was inevitable. I didn't know it when I started this, but Britney Spears has yet to go away... so, of course, she still shows up on the charts. I consider her the archetypal Pop Tart: the Prime Pop Tart from which all the teen girl pop stars have been generated for over ten years now. I'm not entirely sure why, but Brittney's a legend, in her own way: not even my media blackout could miss her legacy. She's been more headline than music for a long, long time, but with Lindsey Lohan (and more recently, Charlie Sheen) occupying the Celebrity Flame Out division of watercooler gossip, I'd foolishly assumed there was no more Britney Spears.

Seeing as this is coming after the gratingly talentless Taio Cruz, it actually sounds pretty good-- the complaints I have against Cruz's generic, limp backing tracks are thrown into sharp contrast by a grinding, propulsive rhythm and a lot of energy... which makes plenty of sense: the Spears product has always been backed by world-class pop producers and writers. It'd be more surprising if the song didn't sound pretty good. Pop stars of this pedigree usually have their singles arrive platinum dipped and diamond sparkling, and “Hold It Against Me” is custom tooled for maximum wow factor.

Until the chorus.

Oh... that chorus. Let's sidestep the obvious for a second and concentrate on the music: after building a driving track that demands attention, the chorus makes all of that interest disappear in a puff of smoke... energyless, bland smoke. In club music, this kind of sound (washes of spacey synths, pulling back the beat) is done for a short breath before the rhythm hits again-- it's usually dramatic and makes a dancefloor explode. Here, it stays too quiet too long; the whole chorus is a really ho-hum affair, which is even worse in a pop song where this part was supposed to be the hook.

If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

Cause you feel like paradise
And I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

The chorus, unfortunately is “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” No, really. That is the song, essentially-- she has to make a rhyme of it, so the actual chorus is “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me,” but she actually recites the joke, direct from 101 Cheesy Pick-Up Lines, in the middle break, doing her best breathy sex-kitten voice.

Besides being one of the stupidest lyrics ever written, it's just... so... childish. There's nothing actually sexy about the stock pop “I want your body.” Britney's image has become more than a little trashy: now that the tabloids and the internet have made headlines of her being a dirty, dirty girl, her lyrics (no matter how hard they try not to be) sound like awkward come-ons from the fumbling and inexperienced. The irony here is that she was catapulted to stardom as a virginal Disney princess, preaching purity while wearing an outfit that had more in common with  an adult costume store than a Catholic school.

The whole thing just sort of crumbles under its own weight: the music shoots itself in the foot every time the chorus comes up, and the lyrics achieve a level of stupidity few bad songs ever approach. And, seriously, after so many years, who would have thought Britney Spears, the Prime Pop Tart, would be so bad at being sexy?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taio Cruz - Higher

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Really?  People listen to Taio Cruz?  At least his rhyming's slightly better this time

Taio Cruz
Higher
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Feb 24, 2011
Taio Cruz
Sandy Vee
Sandy Vee
Taio Cruz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Taio Cruz is a fantastic example of my finger not being on the pulse of tastes in popular music. “Dynamite” has been my example of moronic writing combined with music that represents the least possible effort since it originally popped up on this site-- my first taste of Cruz begged the question “How is this song on the radio?” Having him pop up again is a little shocking, and has me asking “How does this guy have a career?”

To be fair, “Higher” isn't nearly as bad as “Dynamite.” It's a bad song, sure, but it's not going to be my standard reference point for terrible writing. Hell, it even name-drops Breakin' characters in the first verse (technically Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, but the characters are the same), which flirts with actual cleverness... but it's also the contribution of Travie McCoy, not the kind of lyrics Cruz can take credit for.

I do this just for kicks just for the thrill
I got this high without taking a pill
This groove has got me way over the sun
I'm dancin like I am the only one

Taio Cruz is still one of the worst lyricists this side of Creed, but in a shocking improvement over “Dynamite,” the words actually rhyme. Sure, they sound like they were written by a twelve-year-old, and for some reason he dramatically repeats the last word of every line (“I got this high without taking a pill. Pill!”), but “thrill” and “pill” actually do rhyme. It's awful, but it's still a measurable improvement.

Musically... what could I expect? It's another stock backing track that sounds like it was taken directly from those “Everything you need to start making techno! Now!” CDs from the early 90's, and the song itself actually feels more dated than that... there's a distinctly 80's bubblegum feel to it. I know, I know... there was no house influence in 80's pop, but it still conjures that vibe.

Taio Cruz is still an amalgamation of dance track clichés, bad lyrics, and generic-sounding backing tracks: all things I've derided ad nauseum (and derided him specifically for them), so there's almost nothing more to write. I'm still baffled by his success and annoyed when I have to hear him.

It is nice that he's not still trying to rhyme “dance” with “plans,” though.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Fabolous - You Be Killin Em

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Don't you dummies ever understand anything?

Fabolous
You Be Killin Em
Ass Kissing
#66 (LoMid)
Feb 24, 2011
John Jackson
Ryan Leslie
Ryan Leslie

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Music like this makes me break out my Old Man Voice. “That stuff ain't a bit of good. Don't you dummies ever understand anything?” I feel like the outtakes on a DRI album.

Unlike the blast I just leveled at Jessie J for laziness and hypocrisy, Fabolous is just sort of bad. You know, in a general way. Maybe this song's going for a retro-feel, but every piece of this song feels like it has between 10 and 30 years of dust on it. Synth bass from the 80s, break loop from the 90s... it doesn't really inspire any kind of retro nostalgia in me (if that's even the point), it just sounds tired.

Or, more accurately, this song sounds like a C lister from years back-- this song could have been a minor hit when I was a kid (when that crazy rap music on the mTv was still kind of novel). I remember those videos well-- the companies didn't know their new find was a bad rapper, they just thought he had a look they could sell, and so this goofily awful song is shoehorned into a video. This is the kind of song that sounds like it was pulled out of a cut out bin. On a cassingle.

Just watching my cutiepie get beautified
Make me want better jewels, a newer ride
Louis Vuitton shoes, she got too much pride
Her feet are killing her, I call it shoe-icide

I can handle repetitive or uninteresting music if the vocal is awesome... but, as you can guess by the spelling of his name, Fabolous is not a great wordsmith. His flow is kind of sluggish and lags behind the beat (I hate that) and he “sings” the chorus (there is a kind of melody there) so painfully flat I can't believe he thought it was a good idea. Then again, he just coined the term “shoe-icide,” so what Fabolous considers a good idea will always be a mystery.

He might be a foot fetishist, too, because his worship of the shoes as backed up by a mention of “well trimmed toes,” which must mean the girl's pedicure... otherwise... well... is amputation becoming fashionable? Trimming a toe or two for sandal season?

Singing the chorus is almost as annoying as the words in the chorus themselves. I know colloquialism and slang are the norm in hiphop, but there is no way to make the phrase “you be killin em” not sound moronic... and saying it over and over (and over and over) just draws attention to the fact that your average 8-year-old can communicate more intelligently than this guy.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Jessie J - Price Tag

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Jessie J produces the world's lamest Flaming Lips cover

Jessie J
Price Tag
Feel Good
#99 (Low)
Feb 24, 2011
Jessica Cornish
Lukasz Gottwald
Claude Kelly
Bobby Ray Simmons Jr
Dr. Luke

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):



Producer(s):

It starts like an eye-roller, the kind of tepid radio pop designed for stuffy offices and commutes to grocery stores, but half way through the first verse, something stuck me and wouldn't let me go. As I started to sing along with “Her name is Yoshimi...” I realized that, hey-- this is actually a Flaming Lips song.

I've got a pretty good ear for that sort of thing, and “Price Tag” isn't just using the same chords as “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots,” but the same rhythm feel and beat, too. “Price Tag” even borrows the tape slow-down effect.

I never do this, but to prove a point, I've mashed up these two songs (mashed these two songs up?) here. Actually, calling it a mash-up is disrespectful to everyone who makes interesting music this way: I just played the two songs together, because Jessie J is borrowing tracks from 2002.

Well, sort of-- I'm not a huge Flaming Lips fan (Yoshimi is the only record I have of theirs), but they are awfully creative, sonically. Jessie J is not (or, her songwriters and producer aren't): I'm sure she's never heard the song she's ripping off; I'm sure the production team thought no one would notice. It's a borrowed track, but it's also as flat and lifeless as any radio fluff you'll find. It's a couple snatches of guitar put into a sampler and looped endlessly, a tepid sounding beat (yes, Jessie, the original version of the beat you're using is crunchier and actually has more stomp. You've been out-funked by The Flaming Lips), and Standard Pop Bass Sound #3.

And then there's the message: while I'm down with anti-consumerist themes, it's a little hard to stomach a pop star's declaration that “It's not all about the money” when her concert tickets sell for well over $100 (do the conversion from pounds to dollars if you want more context)... and that's middle-of-the-pack between general admission in front of the stage and nosebleed (cheap seats start at £49.50).  Jessie J's idea of not being money obsessed is deriding people who wear sunglasses and high heels in clubs. Wow. Preach it.

Why is everybody so obsessed
Money can't buy us happiness
Can we all slow down and enjoy right now
Guarantee we'll be feeling all right.

It's not about the money
We don't need your money
We just wanna make the world dance
Forget about the Price Tag
Ain't about the cha-ching cha-ching
Aint about the ba-bling ba-bling
Wanna make the world dance
Forget about the Price Tag

Ian McKaye and Ani DiFranco can sing about not obsessing over money (and their lyrics will invariably trump “It's not about the ba-bling, ba-bling”) because they're the musical equivalent of sustainable growers. If we want to keep the farming metaphor, Jessie J (a Universal product) is subsidized by the corn industry, selling high-fructose infused junk food that (lucky you!) has a coupon for more of the same on the wrapper.

I wouldn't even mind that so much if the song really was about what it pretended to be about... it has designs on an “All You Need Is Love” kind of sentiment, but ends up more like a sales pitch: sure, tickets to her show are expensive, but don't worry about the price tag, because once you're in the door it'll be worth it (with all the love and camaraderie and whatnot in the room).  What's a couple hundred bucks for a starlet who's first record has yet to be released? Don't worry about the price tag, give your money to the singer who sings about not needing your money.

Well, keep the price tag
and take the cash back
Just give me six strings
and a half stack.
And you can keep the cars
Leave me the garage
Yes all I need
are keys and guitars

The less said about a mainstream rapper telling us all he needs in life is a half stack and a guitar, the better. Has B.O.B. heard his own music? Has he heard this song? It's like listening to The Sneaker Pimps compare an uninspiring life to playing with a click track in a song that was obviously played to a click track. Some pop songs are effective, some are fun, some are entertaining, and some are genuinely good... very seldom do they sound like a guy making time with his Les Paul through a JCM.

Especially in such a lazy song... so, we'll loop the chorus and then have the singer just sort of "solo" over it (the vocal over the pre-recorded chorus is also noticeably auto-tuned) and just call it done.  Kay?  Cool.  We don't need to do any more work on this one. Remember, though we took the music from elsewhere (shhh... don't tell Wayne Coyne), produced the laziest sounding backing track possible, and made something indistinguishable from every other stamped-out pop product, it's totally not about the money. Pick up your paycheck at the front desk and we'll mail you royalty statements quarterly.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Feel Good

This one is pretty simple: we all know a Feel Good song when we hear it.  These are generally songs written to make the listener forget the world, turn off their brain, and have a good time.