Michael Jackson & Akon - Hold My Hand

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Suddenly, the songs not good enough for a Michael Jackson record are being exhumed and sold.  Maybe the quality of the music improved over time.

Michael Jackson
Akon
Hold My Hand
Hallmark
#66 (LoMid)
Dec 9, 2010
Aliaune Thiam
Claude Kelly
Giorgio Tuinfort
Akon
Giorgio Tuinfort
Michael Jackson

Artist:

Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):


Producer(s):

My pop music hermit status informs most of my writing, but no one (not even me) is so much a hermit as to escape the looming shadow of Michael Jackson's legacy. Hell, Off The Wall was the first cassette I ever owned... it was a Christmas present and I was a kid, but still... The problem with reviewing MJ is: his death made him a sudden saint, which is supposed to overshadow many years of his public controversies blotting out his fairly uncelebrated, late-career, musical output. There's no way to win this one.

Me, I've recently spent time with friends watching old videos of Jackson; that guy was an amazing performer, and it's still a little stunning to watch him dance. On the other hand, he was mostly a performer-- he sang the songs and put on a hell of a show, but the songs were mostly written by hitmakers and producers (shades of Quincey); he didn't write “Thriller,” and he didn't write “Hold My Hand.” I tend to respect songwriters more than stars, but I know that the Jacksons come from Motown, where there wasn't much crossover between the talent in front of the mic and the talent composing the music.

It's almost impossible to deal with “Hold My Hand” in any serious way: no matter which part of Jackson's recent story makes you cringe, this song hits it. There's the creepy, breathy sound of Michael whispering “Hold my hand” at the end of the song that had to contribute to the song's suppression (pulled from albums a few years back) when he was alive and making headlines for all kinds of unpleasant allegations. On the other hand, releasing a song that opens with “this life don't last forever” as a posthumous track is tacky, bordering on tasteless. If a reviewer just can't win, this song is born to lose; how can anyone listen to this and not wince?

Then figure in the schmaltzy sentimentality of the song itself: this is a personal taste issue, but the sappy songs are just not my style. I'm not declaring war on love songs-- “Hold My Hand” is less interested la amour than an quick and dirty Hallmark card, and it's the mass-market, universal appeal that smacks of insincerity. The “platonic-or-no?” cheeseball vibe of hand-holding for friendship and warmth isn't helped any by the alleged friendly sleepovers and public, child-at-heart protests; I'm not trying to pick a fight, but couldn't someone dredge up something with more of the dancy, kick-ass funk that people loved about Michael Jackson... and avoid pleading sentiment and weird associations?  If all the writing credits are to be believed, Michael wrote "Smooth Criminal;" why aren't we hearing something like that (or "Billy Jean") instead of this schmaltzy crap?  And Isn't that what Michael Jackson's fans really want to hear?

Here's to the far side of dancing on this line: I don't want to defame or worship this guy: let's post some more Jon LaJoie in here (this blog is only strengthened by increased Jon LaJoie content)-- it's like backing the Patriot Act in 2001 and screaming about freedom in 2010.  You can do both, but one negates the other... no one will believe you on either point once they've seen you endorse two opposite positions.

Even if I shut off the part of my brain that keeps finding tacky ways to associate this song with Entertainment Weekly headlines (hey, I go to grocery stores, too), it's not a very good song: it's cheesy in the extreme, and it sounds like one of those awful late 80s ballads destined for junior high Winter Formal dances.

Even without all the lyrical ways this one seems wrong to me, I still hate it; the release a cash-in tune for people to make money on a star who's more profitable now that he's dead, and the music comes off like an audio greeting card (all synth strings and sap). I thought about naming this genre “Sap,” but Hallmark is more appropriate. Some products are built for The Land of Emotional Make-Believe: they claim operatic heights, provide a Disneyland ride, and are designed for those who don't care to discern between the two.

Aside from all the other problems with this song, there's no way to stream it at the moment, so there's no Play link for this one.  It's one thing to make the tacky decision to cash in on a celebrity's death (it's shitty, but it's smart marketing)... but why make it so difficult for people to hear it?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell: