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Continuing my muli-post confession of ignorance, I never know what these people look like until I've listened to the song and done some of the writing; I go to Google and enter the artist name and song title, and search for the image I'll use in the article (as an aside: Cee Lo Green didn't look anything like I imagined). That's not the case with Adam Lambert: he opens "If I Had You" with a line about his boots, leather, and applying black eyeliner. Immediately, this guy's image opens the song; I know we're listening to a pseudo-goth peacock in guyliner and black nail polish.
Hey, look at that. I wasn't wrong.
What's worse, after Cee Lo's entry of easily the best song so far, we're back down into the bad, bog-standard techno pop hole Rihanna dug. This is almost the same kind of animal: this is the song that the DJs spin to get the dim ones on the dance floor between real club songs... it does most of what club tracks are supposed to do, but it's also a four chord pop song. Like Rihanna, Lambert's not doing the Autotune-As-Effect trick, these vocals are just autotuned because he can't hold a note, and there's really no need to correct it gracefully since we're all used to the sound of an out-of-tune singer being jerked into key by a computer.
The differences between this and "Only Girl (in the World)" is that Rihanna's song only had her in it because they needed a voice as a lead instrument-- she was barely there. Adam Lambert is front and center in this song: it's all about him, all the time. So Lambert isn't a bland shell: his personality is all over this track.
Unfortunately, it's the kind of personality you want to cuff on the backside of the head.
Let's not focus on the “Rock It” era Herbie Hancock stolen drum fills or the “Owner of a Lonely Heart” bridge, but more on the attempt to borrow retro cool and 80s rock. This is a song is an example of a joke from 30 Rock: back door bragging (“It's hard for me to watch American Idol, because I have perfect pitch.”) The whole song is about how rich, famous, and sexy Adam Lambert is... bit if he had just the right girl, all of the fancy cars and sheik clubs he keeps mentioning would pale in comparison. Oh, wait, did he mention his fame and money? How about his eyeliner?
It actually feels like it was constructed around an image, the kind of thing you expect from an American Idol alum. (checking Wikipedia... yup. Woo-hoo! I swear I didn't know that until I looked it up.) That adds a whole new level of bad to this song: not just because it implies Lambert didn't write a single word or note of "his" song (can someone find out if I'm right about that?), but for a song about being famous and rich, this guy probably makes less money than I do. Not that the song's not popular or his album doesn't sell-- and even that's questionable-- but the profits will mostly go to the American Idol machine.
The one thing that makes this one stand out for me is the curiosity of whether or not anyone will remember this singer or this song in five years. I have a hard time imagining Adam Lambert's breakthrough third album and continued presence in the spotlight. It's easier to imagine him as the assistant manager of a Target and maybe getting recognized at karaoke on Saturday nights.
Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:
It's not a good song and he didn't write any of it (to me it plays like a rejected Britney Spears track, which it probably was), but he most certainly can hold a note: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE4Nl1-Fq5Y
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