Ke$ha - Blow

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Ke$ha might not be too bright, but her handlers, trainers, and writers probably are.

Ke$ha
Blow
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
Feb 10, 2011
Kesha Sebert
Klas Åhlund
Lukasz Gottwald
Allan Grigg
Benjamin Levin
Max Martin
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Benny Blanco
Kool Kojak

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Actually, I'm a little familiar with Ke$ha: she's the blonde pop star that looks like she came from the factory that manufactures porn stars. I saw her playing a ridiculous laser-synth on Saturday Night Live, trying her best to look like she was having fun (you'd think PornBot Industries would have better “pretending to enjoy what you're doing” software by now)-- to me, Ke$ha usually seems like she's trying to remember complex instructions beyond her understanding, but she's always struggling to look like she's not frightened and confused.

Back door cracked
We don't need a key
We get in for free
No VIP sleaze
Drink that Kool-Aid
Follow my lead
Now you're one of us
You're coming with me

Which is fine, I suppose, because this isn't a half bad club track. Ke$ha's only got a few lines in the verses (which are moronic, sure, but from what I can tell, that's sort of her trademark), but the whole thing hinges on the chorus, which is nothing more than the word “Blow” with a robotic “This place about to” pasted on top of it. The song basically makes a synth lead out of her voice: autotuned to inhumanity, harmonized into a rave chord, and sliced up with a trance gate to give it some rhythm. It stops being Ke$ha and is a mostly inoffensive dance song.

I know, I know... I'm just trying to
drive home my "Interchangeable
Porn Bot" theory.

Until she gets her “rap” verse. I do really hate the valley girl “nya!” sound that skinny pop stars use to hint at their wild bad-assery. If the lyric is “make it rain,” why does it have to be said “make it rayn?” She didn't sound like that for any of the song up til now, and all of the sudden she just manifested a Paris Hilton whine. This song is at its best when it leaves Ke$ha's “personality” out of it.

This is the second song in a row that begins with a fake laugh, too, and while Chris Brown sounds like he's being a dick, Ke$ha sounds more like an actress in over her head-- she just can't convey mirth. I can't quite figure out why they left it in... that laugh goes a long way to support my theory that she's a mannequin they put up on stage while dance music plays.

Honestly, if the pop star doesn't need to write any of the words or music and the voice can be manipulated by a computer so that singing skills are a non-issue, why wouldn't a record company order a new robot from the porn actress factory and use it for videos and album covers? Make sure it's young and pretty, get a new one every few years, and use it to sell their product.

It doesn't make for great music, but it's been a successful business strategy for years.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Chris Brown - Look at Me Now

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Chris Brown tries to show skill, quits after three lines, hands it over to Busta Rhymes.

Chris Brown
Look at Me Now
Bragging
#11 (High)
Feb 10, 2011
None Listed
Diplo

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After plenty of connection and hardware issues, I fire this thing up to...

Damnit! Chris Brown?  Thanks for nothing.

“I say, Miffy. Thadeus' trousers are
of last year's fashion. We shan't be
inviting him to the party.”

Everything that comes from this guy makes me like him less than the last time I dealt with him. Of course, he's not doing himself any favors by opening with “I don't see how you can hate from outside of the club. You can't even get in.” Add a laugh that successfully mixes a thirteen-year-old bully with a hyena and we've established the most smugly infuriating personality this side of Princess from the Powerpuff Girls. I know boasts are traditional in hip hop, but why does it sound like Chris Brown's boasts are mocking the nerdy pledges not cool enough to join his frat?

I suppose we have to give Brown the tiniest bit of credit, because I usually complain about the laziness of his tracks along with his toxic persona. This song, while still excruciatingly awful, is light years from Chris Brown's safe bet, manufactured plastic. Instead of cookie-cutter dance music, the sounds here come from early 60's science fiction worthy of Mystery Science Theater 3000; when the song started, I was immediately transported to a laboratory where a scientist in horn-rimmed glasses was using tape driven computers to combat giant, undersea creatures.

She accidentally fall
trip on my dick
Oops, I said
on my dick
I ain't really mean
to say on my dick
but since we talkin
bout my dick
all you haters
say hi to it.

Similarly, Brown's lazy, pop star singing (autotuned to death) has been replaced with rapping, which also comes off as lazy... until he double-times it. While that does hint at a little ambition (he's trying to do something that requires a skill! Duck!), he can barely pull it off, and after two lines, just ends up repeating the words “on my dick” because he simply can't go that fast. On his dick? On his dick.

Did Jason Mewes write this? Was Silent Bob dancing behind him in the studio for effect?

And then he just gives up and literally says “I'm done,” and lets Busta Rhymes come in and show him how make that trick work. Yup, that's right: this is the audio equivalent of watching a kid fall off his skateboard, followed an older kid taking his board and upstaging him in front of his friends.

I can't say things get measurably better after Brown decides his own song is too much for him.  Sure, Busta Rhymes has a handle on how to do a Brag track without sounding like a moron, thug, or child, but he's bookended by a useless Chris Brown and (here we go again) Lil Wayne, who doesn't seem to have a lot of love for bitches or faggots... which, again, doesn't offend me: I'm not too PC or blushing at someone being inappropriate, I just don't have time for grown men with the collective mental age of a junior high kid.

A junior high kid failing everything but Phys Ed.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Lag

Yes, there has been a long wait for new content.  First, the free wifi around my place grew a password, and this changed my ability to upload and post... not impossible to overcome, but inconvenient.

Then, my netbook died.  Truth is: I do most of this work in transit, and I don't actually spend my free time listening to and writing about bad music (and, let's face it, most of this stuff is pretty bad)-- if it ain't done when I'm sitting around waiting, it ain't done.  I've done my repairs, but, since I don't upload and post as soon as these pieces are written (see: point 1), all previous entries were lost.  Another P!nk song that sounded just like the last P!nk song, but mopier; my first Katy Perry song, which brought new context to the term "pop tart;" and the actually pretty funny "I Just Had Sex."  I have no intention of re-writing these things-- one pass is all I'm willing to give those songs.

I've fixed the machine and the netbook is ready to roll once again, so there will be more to come.

Sorry about the wait.  I have a good excuse.