Eric on the Charts

Error!

2011-06-09T20:13:00.000-07:00

Wow... that just keeps happening, eh?

Another computer failure breaking my rhythm. I'm not sure when I can get that thing replaced and get back to this project, but a hiatus is no bad thing-- the pop charts are sluggish and still propping up songs I've already covered, so it's not like there's new content I'm scrambling to keep up with.

Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are

2011-05-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

How they managed to cram five writers into the credits is anyone's guess
(but I'll bet they went through a lot of Crayons)

Bruno Mars
Just the Way You Are
Ass Kissing
#33 (HiMid)
Peter Hernandez
Philip Lawrence
Ari Levine
Khalil Walton
Khari Cain
The Smeezingtons
Needlz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

This whole projectwas conceived because I was going to rectify my ignorance of popularmusic, not for me to be a hateful dick, but the last song to cross mydesk that wasn't a shriekingly awful piece of cynical fluff wasKe$ha. In February. And that was cynical commercial fluff, too; it just wasn'tawful.

I never thought I'dbe nostalgic for Ke$ha.

Bruno Mars stillkind of bugs me, and this song is still a Run!, but it has threethings going for it: it's not as bad as “Marry You (Just Say YeahYeah Yeah Yeah Yeah),” it doesn't feature Chris Brown, and it's nota cover of a Billy Joel song.

I can't even beginto communicate how glad I am that this isn't Bruno Mars covering aBilly Joel's 80s hit “Just the Way You Are.” He looks the type, archly glancing from behind his piano with his little hat... I'm sure he'splayed "Only the Good Die Young" at a piano bar at least once. Butthis is not that. It's only a small reprieve, though, as this is thenext in the seemingly unbreakable string of Run!s that are dominatingthis blog.

Oh her eyes, hereyes
Make the stars look
like they're notshining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly
without her trying
She's so beautiful
and I tell herevery day

The problem I havewith Mars is most likely what makes him popular in the first place:mawkishly sap in the lyrics over simple pop chords. “Just the WayYou Are” has the kind of childish lack of romance that could havebeen recorded by New Kids on the Block. This is what a little kidthinks of love when their first kiss is still years away. It'sthe kind of thing that should be sequestered on the Disney Channeluntil it reaches the legal drinking age, but High School Musicalbroke the gates open and these songs are allowed to wander aroundunchaperoned.

I'm willing to betthe only reason this song doesn't have the same fan base as The Ready Set is the picture on the poster. I wonder if that hampers itssales. “Bruno! Great song! Um, Bob from marketing here-- can wemake you look like a fourteen year old boy with a girl's haircut? Wecould really sell this to the tweens.”

Since this isBruno's second appearance here, I've got a limited set of songs todraw from... but since I'd heard the previous song, I somehow felt like I'dalready heard this one: I heard that falsetto coming at 2:38 beforehe hit it. It's basically the same part as the “Just say I do”falsetto bridge in “Marry You.” I was never going to call BrunoMars original, but it seems like he's written one song, has aproducer modify it slightly, and is releasing it as a handful ofsingles.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts

2011-04-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Christina Perri will survive (after moping around for a while)

Christina Perri
Jar of Hearts
Sad Bastard
#33 (HiMid)
Christina Perri
Drew Lawrence
Barrett Yeretsian
B.Yeretsian
C. Perri

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

First, a quickwager that this song was originally titled “Who Do You Think YouAre?” but someone decided that “Jar of Hearts” was more unique(and therefore more memorable.) What they seem to have overlooked isthe inanity of the new title: pulled from the abysmal lyric “Who doyou think you are, running round leaving scars, collecting your Jarof Hearts, and tearing love apart,” Jar of Hearts is the kind ofphrase only turned by children who protest (too much) theirindividuality by dressing anachronistically and writing terriblepoetry that includes phrases like "jar of hearts."

Far from the TaioCruz total rhyme failure, “Jar of Hearts” lives in the poeticplayground of cheap, easy rhymes (with a few cheating near-rhymesthrown in for good measure). It's a sunny place, this playground; inthe center, there's a statue of Lenny Kravitz, and the revelers allwant to fly so high in the sky like a butterfly. Most days,Christina Perri sadly dances here by herself, wishing she'd missedthe first time you kissed, afraid you'll catch a cold from the iceinside your soul (and hoping you'll notice). Maybe she should bring himsome hot soup (how over her Lothario can Perri be, anyway, if she's stillconcerned he'll catch cold?)

The whole affairseems awfully naive to me, anyway (see also: “Of Course I Don'tListen to the Radio. I'm Not a 15-Year-Old Girl.”) I can't balanceall the time it's taken her to get the light back in her eyes afterlosing the love she loved most with the icy-souled guy running aroundcollecting hearts for his heart jar and tearing love apart... Not tooverload my cynic circuits, but this story makes more sense if it'susing the Unreliable Narrator device, and Perri has blown a two daymini-relationship with a guy out of proportion to near psychoticlevels (“But we kissed! Twice!”)

This song was done with morepassion back when it was called “I Will Survive,” and ChristinaPerri doesn't offer a single thought that isn't borrowed from avastly superior Gloria Gaynor... and Gaynor sounds like she livedwith the guy. If I wanted to listen to someone de-disco Gaynor'santhem, I'd listen to Cake.

Musically, this song is a turgid mope through remedial piano and syrupy, Hallmark strings... and while I appreciate producers trusting a sad song to captivate an audience without a dance beat, but there has to be something here to do the captivating. A set of lyrics Perri will be embarrassed by in a few years married to clunking piano won't get it done... and it can be done. Take Nellie McKay, for example: there's a girl (younger than Perri at the time of the taping) at a piano venting some disappointment, frustration, and rage with some real cleverness in the words and some talent with the keys... and doing it live, without all the vocal overdubs and sappy production on Perri's track (Christina Perri can be heard live here, and, on an unrelated note, did I mention Nellie McKay can actually sing? Dunno why that just popped into my head.)

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

T-Pain - Best Love Song

2011-04-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

A Tune By Two Guys Who Think the Best Love Song Ever Should Be "The Crunkest"
(Luckily, neither of them know what that means)

T-Pain
Best Love Song
Prom Song
#33 (HiMid)
Faheem Najm
Chris Brown
Young Fyre

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

There's a littlebit of ironic fun to be had with T-Pain. I hate autotune as much asthe next snarky critic, but there's something about the egregious,inhuman, completely over-the-top way that T-Pain does it. If all theR&B vocals on the radio have been autotuned into an almostcomical stereotype, T-Pain usually sounds like he's recording acaricature of everyone else. If Homer Simpson were to set up his ownrecording studio, his output would sound like T-Pain.

That said, I'mstarting to feel self-conscious about logging this many Run!s in arow-- seriously? Another awful, awful song? I knew it was going tobe bad as soon as I saw Chris Brown's name attached (why can't Ishake that guy?), but this continuous flow of thuddingly bad ismaking me nostalgic for Ke$ha...

“Best Love Song”isn't lacking in self-awareness as much as it's lacking in awarenessaltogether. I was focused on the self-aware part initially: lineslike “And if I'm gonna take her home, it's got to be better thanwhat they play on the radio” while the song isn't just like whatthey play on the radio, it actually is what they play on theradio... that kind of writing is so ignorant of itself, of what thesong is, that it probably ought to appear in the next Tommy Wiseaupicture.

Similarly, if thesong is to work, “It's gotta be the crunkest, gotta be the loudest. It's gotta be the best love song she ever heard in her life.” Again, the song doesn't seem to understand that not only is it notthe crunkest, it's not crunky in the least (there is a significantlack of crunk here. It is crunkless), and it won't be the loudestbecause stereo systems and club PAs have volume knobs which can makeany one song louder than another. Finally, the song doesn't seem torealize that it's not the best love song anyone's ever heard.

Blinded by how thesong isn't aware of what it is in the first place, I almost missedthe fact that these guys just don't get it. If they're tryingto write the best love song anyone's ever heard, why would they wantit to be the crunkest? Even if their crunk-failure levels are epic,did they start writing with Crunchy Black in mind, assuming that wasthe key to the greatest love song ever? Or loudness? Did theybelieve that in order for their love song to be the best, it wouldhave to be deafeningly loud, because nothing says romance like jetengine volume levels?

The more I thinkabout it, the more I'm sure T-Pain and Chris Brown don't even knowwhat these words mean. The lyrics could be “It's gotta be the mostgrindcore, gotta be the most klezmer” and they wouldn't make anyless sense. It's not like loudness and crunk have anything to dowith the junior prom slow dance number they're actually singing.

Turn on the lights (lights! lights!)
give me a mic(give me a mic)
I'm about to sing
and do it just as she likes (la-likes)
Jump off the stage
crowd surfin all the way (cowabunga)

T-Pain's lyrics aregenerally about the song he's singing, which doesn't seem to havemuch to do with a love song. Chris Brown, of course, spends hisverse preening; it's annoying that he spends so much time remindingus he's god's gift to womankind when there's so much contraryevidence out there. Amidst all the autotuned non-singing, there's acomputerized background chorus backing up everything Brown has to say(including “Cowabunga,” which stands alone as the stupidest lyricin a song filled with stupid lyrics). He does promise to sing to youjust how you like, and provides some instructions as to what you haveto do if you want to get with him. Such a wonderful guy-- you shoulddo what he says.

Musicially, this isjust a Prom song. It's too wimpy and lifeless for clubs, and I can'timagine it flourishing anywhere but teenage dances and pop radio...which wouldn't be the case if it were actually the crunkest (or mostklezmer) song someone's ever heard.

For unintentional comedic value, the actual song is a cross between Tenacious D's "Tribute" (a song about the best song in the world that isn't actually the best song in the world) and "I Just Had Sex" (a slightly less subtle parody of Prom songs than "Best Love Song," but not by much). On its own merits, this song is pretty ridiculous, but viewed through the lens of all the comedy that came before it, you could view a pathetic slow-dance prom song demanding it be The Loudest and The Crunkest as the height of satire.

If anyone has information about T-Pain being a comic genius instead of a happenstance pop star, please let me know.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Prom

2011-04-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, the Prom song. These things are as sappy as Hallmark tunes, but they're walking afine line between true love and getting naked as quickly as possible(usually promising one to get to the other). Generally set up asslow dance fodder, Prom songs are mawkishly sentimental to the pointthat they probably shouldn't work on anyone who's ever been in anadult relationship... but, hey, that's not their audience.

Black Eyed Peas - The Time (Dirty Bit)

2011-04-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Um... what's hot right now? Do those wacky kids still like 80's retro?

Black Eyed Peas
The Time (Dirty Bit)
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
William Adams
Allan Pineda
Damien LeRoy
Franke Previte
John DeNicola
Donald Markowitz
Will.i.am
DJ Ammo

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

I've heard Black Eyed Peas used as a punchline more than I've heard their music: I know the names Fergie (from random publicity) and Will.i.am (from appearing in a godawful comic book adaptation). No one talks about Black Eyed Peas without calling them out for being tin eared, cheesy, and possibly aiming for “so bad its good” guilty pleasure music and missing the mark. From what I've read, they're regarded in the same way as Two & a Half Men: everyone knows it sucks, but it is wildly popular and profitable.

Comparatively, I actually kinda like the only Black Eyed Peas song I know-- “Let's Get It Started” isn't a great song or anything, but I think it's a fun Party Anthem, and it's good at what it does. I never could marry the one song I know by them to the pervasive hate for the group. From where I was standing, they were one for one.

And then I heard “The Time (Dirty Bit)” and every snippit of internet snark ever launched in the Black Eyed Peas' direction came flooding back into my brain. Suddenly, it makes sense that there's a collective groan every time these guys drop a single, that each new song is treated like it deserves a human rights tribunal. If “The Time (Dirty Bit)” is any indication of their other output, I'd rather not hear it.

While the production is sharp and shiny (the bass punches, the synths swirl), the music itself is the worst of amateur half-assedness. My first instinct is to compare it to the songs made with the BuzzTracker freeware in the early 90s, but it would be too disrespectful to tracker musicians as a whole-- even the bedroom keyboard junkies aren't obsessed with sample retriggers and trance-gates to the point of butchering this song's last chorus into stuttery, choppy word salad.

The nonsensical and ill-timed cuts are predicted by the lead in to the first verse: after the intro, the word “you” is clipped and repeated in traditional rave-up form. I have nothing against that (I've used it myself), but it's just so badly implemented here-- instead of building excitement and anticipation of the next beat dropping, it's overlong and annoying. These are symptoms of somebody toying with their very first sampler... how does this kind of tin-eared obnoxiousness show up in the product of megastars and hit makers?

All of this reflects how annoying the song is without addressing the quality of the songwriting or the lyrics. We could end now, call this a Run!, and still wouldn't have addressed the fact that about a quarter of the run time of the song is actually a cover of The Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing... but where's the fun in that? Seriously, if you want to hear someone autotune their way through the chorus of a soundtrack tie-in hit from the mid 80's, this is your song.

(I just re-read that last paragraph. It gets more ridiculous the longer I think about it.)

No one's going to be surprised to discover that the lyrics are pretty stupid. I find it baffling that people tried to make a laughingstock of Rebecca Black for the awful lyrics in Friday, but somehow the Black Eyed Peas can toss out gems like “I was born to get wild, that's my style. If you didn't know that, well, baby, now you know now” with impunity. There's an implied rhyme between “style” and “now,” too-- if you want to mock idiots singing a bad song, leave the thirteen year old girl alone and turn your attention to the Black Eyed Peas: these are adults, and they weren't handed these words by some mercenary company. They actually wrote these lyrics.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Britney Spears - Hold It Against Me

2011-03-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Britney's next single: "Did It Hurt (When You Fell from Heaven)?"

Britney Spears
Hold it Against Me
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Feb 24, 2011
Max Martin
Lukasz Gottwald
Bonnie McKee
Mathieu Jomphe
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Billoard

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

I suppose it wasinevitable. I didn't know it when I started this, but BritneySpears has yet to go away... so, of course, she still shows up on thecharts. I consider her the archetypal Pop Tart: the Prime Pop Tartfrom which all the teen girl pop stars have been generated for overten years now. I'm not entirely sure why, but Brittney's alegend, in her own way: not even my media blackout could miss herlegacy. She's been more headline than music for a long, long time, but with Lindsey Lohan (and more recently, Charlie Sheen)occupying the Celebrity Flame Out division of watercooler gossip, I'dfoolishly assumed there was no more Britney Spears.

Seeing as this iscoming after the gratingly talentless Taio Cruz, it actually soundspretty good-- the complaints I have against Cruz's generic, limpbacking tracks are thrown into sharp contrast by a grinding,propulsive rhythm and a lot of energy... which makes plenty of sense:the Spears product has always been backed by world-class popproducers and writers. It'd be more surprising if the song didn'tsound pretty good. Pop stars of this pedigree usually have theirsingles arrive platinum dipped and diamond sparkling, and “Hold ItAgainst Me” is custom tooled for maximum wow factor.

Until the chorus.

Oh... that chorus. Let's sidestep the obvious for a second and concentrate on the music:after building a driving track that demands attention, the chorusmakes all of that interest disappear in a puff of smoke...energyless, bland smoke. In club music, this kind of sound (washesof spacey synths, pulling back the beat) is done for a short breathbefore the rhythm hits again-- it's usually dramatic and makes adancefloor explode. Here, it stays too quiet too long; the wholechorus is a really ho-hum affair, which is even worse in a pop songwhere this part was supposed to be the hook.

If I said my heart was beating loud
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

Cause you feel like paradise
And I need a vacation tonight
So if I said I want your body now
Would you hold it against me

The chorus,unfortunately is “If I said you had a beautiful body, would youhold it against me?” No, really. That is the song,essentially-- she has to make a rhyme of it, so the actual chorus is“If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me,”but she actually recites the joke, direct from 101 Cheesy Pick-UpLines, in the middle break, doing her best breathy sex-kittenvoice.

Besides being oneof the stupidest lyrics ever written, it's just... so... childish. There's nothing actually sexy about the stock pop “I wantyour body.” Britney's image has become more than a little trashy:now that the tabloids and the internet have made headlines of herbeing a dirty, dirty girl, her lyrics (no matter how hard they trynot to be) sound like awkward come-ons from the fumbling andinexperienced. The irony here is that she was catapulted to stardomas a virginal Disney princess, preaching purity while wearing anoutfit that had more in common with anadult costume store than a Catholic school.

The whole thingjust sort of crumbles under its own weight: the music shoots itselfin the foot every time the chorus comes up, and the lyrics achieve alevel of stupidity few bad songs ever approach. And, seriously,after so many years, who would have thought Britney Spears, thePrime Pop Tart, would be so bad at being sexy?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Taio Cruz - Higher

2011-03-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Really? People listen to Taio Cruz? At least his rhyming's slightly better this time

Taio Cruz
Higher
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Feb 24, 2011
Taio Cruz
Sandy Vee
Sandy Vee
Taio Cruz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Taio Cruz is afantastic example of my finger not being on the pulse of tastes inpopular music. “Dynamite” has been my example of moronic writingcombined with music that represents the least possible effort sinceit originally popped up on this site-- my first taste of Cruz beggedthe question “How is this song on the radio?” Having him pop upagain is a little shocking, and has me asking “How does this guyhave a career?”

To be fair,“Higher” isn't nearly as bad as “Dynamite.” It's a bad song,sure, but it's not going to be my standard reference point forterrible writing. Hell, it even name-drops Breakin'characters in the first verse (technically Breakin' 2: ElectricBoogaloo, but the characters are the same), which flirts withactual cleverness... but it's also the contribution of Travie McCoy,not the kind of lyrics Cruz can take credit for.

I do this just forkicks just for the thrill
I got this highwithout taking a pill
This groove has gotme way over the sun
I'm dancin like Iam the only one

Taio Cruz is stillone of the worst lyricists this side of Creed, but in a shockingimprovement over “Dynamite,” the words actually rhyme. Sure,they sound like they were written by a twelve-year-old, and for somereason he dramatically repeats the last word of every line (“I gotthis high without taking a pill. Pill!”), but “thrill” and“pill” actually do rhyme. It's awful, but it's still ameasurable improvement.

Musically... whatcould I expect? It's another stock backing track that sounds like itwas taken directly from those “Everything you need to start makingtechno! Now!” CDs from the early 90's, and the song itself actuallyfeels more dated than that... there's a distinctly 80's bubblegumfeel to it. I know, I know... there was no house influence in 80'spop, but it still conjures that vibe.

Taio Cruz is stillan amalgamation of dance track clichés, bad lyrics, andgeneric-sounding backing tracks: all things I've derided as nauseum(and derided him specifically for them), so there's almost nothingmore to write. I'm still baffled by his success and annoyed when Ihave to hear him.

It is nice thathe's not still trying to rhyme “dance” with “plans,” though.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Fabolous - You Be Killin Em

2011-03-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Don't you dummies ever understand anything?

Fabolous
You Be Killin Em
Ass Kissing
#66 (LoMid)
Feb 24, 2011
John Jackson
Ryan Leslie
Ryan Leslie

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Music like thismakes me break out my Old Man Voice. “That stuff ain't a bit ofgood. Don't you dummies ever understand anything?” I feel like theouttakes on a DRI album.

Unlike the blast Ijust leveled at Jessie J for laziness and hypocrisy, Fabolous is justsort of bad. You know, in a general way. Maybe this song's goingfor a retro-feel, but every piece of this song feels like it hasbetween 10 and 30 years of dust on it. Synth bass from the 80s,break loop from the 90s... it doesn't really inspire any kind ofretro nostalgia in me (if that's even the point), it just soundstired.

Or, moreaccurately, this song sounds like a C lister from years back-- thissong could have been a minor hit when I was a kid (when that crazyrap music on the mTv was still kind of novel). I remember thosevideos well-- the companies didn't know their new find was a badrapper, they just thought he had a look they could sell, and so thisgoofily awful song is shoehorned into a video. This is the kind ofsong that sounds like it was pulled out of a cut out bin. On acassingle.

Just watchingmy cutiepie get beautified
Make me want better jewels, a newerride
Louis Vuitton shoes, she got too much pride
Her feet arekilling her, I call it shoe-icide

I can handlerepetitive or uninteresting music if the vocal is awesome... but, asyou can guess by the spelling of his name, Fabolous is not a greatwordsmith. His flow is kind of sluggish and lags behind the beat (Ihate that) and he “sings” the chorus (there is a kind of melodythere) so painfully flat I can't believe he thought it was a goodidea. Then again, he just coined the term “shoe-icide,” so whatFabolous considers a good idea will always be a mystery.

He might be a footfetishist, too, because his worship of the shoes as backed up by amention of “well trimmed toes,” which must mean the girl'spedicure... otherwise... well... is amputation becoming fashionable? Trimming a toe or two for sandal season?

Singing the chorusis almost as annoying as the words in the chorus themselves. I knowcolloquialism and slang are the norm in hiphop, but there is no wayto make the phrase “you be killin em” not sound moronic... andsaying it over and over (and over and over) just draws attention tothe fact that your average 8-year-old can communicate moreintelligently than this guy.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Jessie J - Price Tag

2011-03-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Jessie J produces the world's lamest Flaming Lips cover

Jessie J
Price Tag
Feel Good
#99 (Low)
Feb 24, 2011
Jessica Cornish
Lukasz Gottwald
Claude Kelly
Bobby Ray Simmons Jr
Dr. Luke

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

It starts like aneye-roller, the kind of tepid radio pop designed for stuffy officesand commutes to grocery stores, but half way through the first verse,something stuck me and wouldn't let me go. As I started to singalong with “Her name is Yoshimi...” I realized that, hey-- thisis actually a Flaming Lips song.

I've got a prettygood ear for that sort of thing, and “Price Tag” isn't just usingthe same chords as “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots,” but thesame rhythm feel and beat, too. “Price Tag” even borrows thetape slow-down effect.

I never do this,but to prove a point, I've mashed up these two songs (mashed these two songs up?) here. Actually,calling it a mash-up is disrespectful to everyone who makesinteresting music this way: I just played the two songs together,because Jessie J is borrowing tracks from 2002.

Well, sort of-- I'mnot a huge Flaming Lips fan (Yoshimi is the only record I have oftheirs), but they are awfully creative, sonically. Jessie J is not (or,her songwriters and producer aren't): I'm sure she's never heard thesong she's ripping off; I'm sure the production team thought no onewould notice. It's a borrowed track, but it's also as flat andlifeless as any radio fluff you'll find. It's a couple snatches ofguitar put into a sampler and looped endlessly, a tepid sounding beat(yes, Jessie, the original version of the beat you're using iscrunchier and actually has more stomp. You've been out-funkedby The Flaming Lips), and Standard Pop Bass Sound #3.

And then there'sthe message: while I'm down with anti-consumerist themes, it's alittle hard to stomach a pop star's declaration that “It's not allabout the money” when her concert tickets sell for well over $100 (do the conversion from pounds to dollars if you want more context)... and that's middle-of-the-pack between general admission in front of the stage and nosebleed (cheap seats start at £49.50). Jessie J's idea of not being money obsessed is deriding people whowear sunglasses and high heels in clubs. Wow. Preach it.

Why is everybody so obsessed
Money can't buy us happiness
Can we all slow down and enjoy right now
Guarantee we'll be feeling all right.

It's not about the money
We don't need your money
We just wanna make the world dance
Forget about the Price Tag
Ain't about the cha-ching cha-ching
Aint about the ba-bling ba-bling
Wanna make the world dance
Forget about the Price Tag

Ian McKaye and AniDiFranco can sing about not obsessing over money (and their lyricswill invariably trump “It's not about the ba-bling, ba-bling”)because they're the musical equivalent of sustainable growers. If we want to keep the farming metaphor, Jessie J (a Universal product) is subsidized by the corn industry, sellinghigh-fructose infused junk food that (lucky you!) has a coupon formore of the same on the wrapper.

I wouldn't evenmind that so much if the song really was about what it pretended tobe about... it has designs on an “All You Need Is Love” kind ofsentiment, but ends up more like a sales pitch: sure, tickets to hershow are expensive, but don't worry about the price tag, because onceyou're in the door it'll be worth it (with all the love andcamaraderie and whatnot in the room). What's a couple hundred bucks for a starlet who's first record has yet to be released? Don't worry about the price tag, give your money to the singer who sings about not needing your money.

Well, keep the price tag
and take the cash back
Just give me six strings
and a half stack.
And you can keep the cars
Leave me the garage
Yes all I need
are keys and guitars

The less said abouta mainstream rapper telling us all he needs in life is a half stackand a guitar, the better. Has B.O.B. heard his own music? Has heheard this song? It's like listening to The Sneaker Pimps comparean uninspiring life to playing with a click track in a song that wasobviously played to a click track. Some pop songs are effective, someare fun, some are entertaining, and some are genuinely good... veryseldom do they sound like a guy making time with his Les Paul through a JCM.

Especially in sucha lazy song... so, we'll loop the chorus and then have the singer just sort of "solo" over it (the vocal over the pre-recorded chorus is also noticeably auto-tuned) and just call it done. Kay? Cool. We don't need to do any more work on this one. Remember, though we took the music from elsewhere (shhh... don't tell Wayne Coyne), produced the laziest sounding backing track possible, and made something indistinguishable from every other stamped-out pop product, it's totally not about the money. Pick up your paycheck at the front desk and we'll mail you royalty statements quarterly.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Feel Good

2011-03-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

This one is pretty simple: we all know a Feel Good song when we hear it. These are generally songs written to make the listener forget the world, turn off their brain, and have a good time.

Ke$ha - Blow

2011-02-15T00:46:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Ke$ha might not be too bright, but her handlers, trainers, and writers probably are.

Ke$ha
Blow
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
Feb 10, 2011
Kesha Sebert
Klas Åhlund
Lukasz Gottwald
Allan Grigg
Benjamin Levin
Max Martin
Dr. Luke
Max Martin
Benny Blanco
Kool Kojak

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Actually, I'm a little familiar withKe$ha: she's the blonde pop star that looks like she came from thefactory that manufactures porn stars. I saw her playing a ridiculouslaser-synth on Saturday Night Live, trying her best to look like shewas having fun (you'd think PornBot Industries would have better“pretending to enjoy what you're doing” software by now)-- to me,Ke$ha usually seems like she's trying to remember complexinstructions beyond her understanding, but she's always struggling tolook like she's notfrightened and confused.

Back door cracked
We don't need a key
We get in for free
No VIP sleaze
Drink that Kool-Aid
Follow my lead
Now you're one of us
You're coming with me

Which is fine, Isuppose, because this isn't a half bad club track. Ke$ha's only gota few lines in the verses (which are moronic, sure, but from what Ican tell, that's sort of her trademark), but the whole thing hingeson the chorus, which is nothing more than the word “Blow” with arobotic “This place about to” pasted on top of it. The songbasically makes a synth lead out of her voice: autotuned toinhumanity, harmonized into a rave chord, and sliced up with a trancegate to give it some rhythm. It stops being Ke$ha and is a mostlyinoffensive dance song.

I know, I know... I'm just trying to
drive home my "Interchangeable
Porn Bot" theory.

Until she gets her“rap” verse. I do really hate the valley girl “nya!” soundthat skinny pop stars use to hint at their wild bad-assery. If thelyric is “make it rain,” why does it have to be said “make itrayn?” She didn't sound like that for any of the song up til now,and all of the sudden she just manifested a Paris Hilton whine. Thissong is at its best when it leaves Ke$ha's “personality” out ofit.

This is the secondsong in a row that begins with a fake laugh, too, and while Chris Brown sounds like he's being a dick, Ke$ha sounds more like anactress in over her head-- she just can't convey mirth. I can'tquite figure out why they left it in... that laugh goes a long way tosupport my theory that she's a mannequin they put up on stage whiledance music plays.

Honestly, if thepop star doesn't need to write any of the words or music and thevoice can be manipulated by a computer so that singing skills are anon-issue, why wouldn't a record company order a new robotfrom the porn actress factory and use it for videos and album covers? Make sure it's young and pretty, get a new one every few years, anduse it to sell their product.

It doesn't make forgreat music, but it's been a successful business strategy for years.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Chris Brown - Look at Me Now

2011-02-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Chris Brown tries to show skill, quits after three lines, hands it over to Busta Rhymes.

Chris Brown
Look at Me Now
Bragging
#11 (High)
Feb 10, 2011
None Listed
Diplo

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

After plenty of connection and hardwareissues, I fire this thing up to...

Damnit! Chris Brown? Thanks fornothing.

“I say, Miffy. Thadeus' trousers are
of last year's fashion. We shan't be
inviting him to the party.”

Everything that comes from this guymakes me like him less than the last time I dealt with him. Ofcourse, he's not doing himself any favors by opening with “I don'tsee how you can hate from outside of the club. You can't even getin.” Add a laugh that successfully mixes a thirteen-year-old bullywith a hyena and we've established the most smugly infuriatingpersonality this side of Princess from the Powerpuff Girls. I knowboasts are traditional in hip hop, but why does it sound like ChrisBrown's boasts are mocking the nerdy pledges not cool enough to joinhis frat?

I suppose we have to give Brown thetiniest bit of credit, because I usually complain about the lazinessof his tracks along with his toxic persona. This song, while stillexcruciatingly awful, is light years from Chris Brown's safe bet,manufactured plastic. Instead of cookie-cutter dance music, thesounds here come from early 60's science fiction worthy of MysteryScience Theater 3000; when the song started, I was immediatelytransported to a laboratory where a scientist in horn-rimmed glasseswas using tape driven computers to combat giant, undersea creatures.

She accidentally fall
trip on my dick
Oops, I said
on my dick
I ain't really mean
to say on my dick
but since we talkin
bout my dick
all you haters
say hi to it.

Similarly, Brown's lazy, pop starsinging (autotuned to death) has been replaced with rapping, whichalso comes off as lazy... until he double-times it. While that doeshint at a little ambition (he's trying to do something that requiresa skill! Duck!), he can barely pull it off, and after two lines,just ends up repeating the words “on my dick” because he simplycan't go that fast. On his dick? On his dick.

Did Jason Mewes write this? Was SilentBob dancing behind him in the studio for effect?

And then he just gives up and literallysays “I'm done,” and lets Busta Rhymes come in and show him howmake that trick work. Yup, that's right: this is the audioequivalent of watching a kid fall off his skateboard, followed anolder kid taking his board and upstaging him in front of his friends.

I can't say things get measurably better after Brown decides his own song is too much for him. Sure, Busta Rhymes has a handle on how to do a Brag track without sounding like a moron, thug, or child, but he's bookended by a useless Chris Brown and (here we go again) Lil Wayne, who doesn't seem to have a lot of love for bitches or faggots... which, again, doesn't offend me: I'm not too PC or blushing at someone being inappropriate, I just don't have time for grown men with the collective mental age of a junior high kid.

A junior high kid failing everything but Phys Ed.

Fun post-script to this one, too. I suppose it's just schadenfreude, but it's fun to watch people outshine this talentless creep-- she does Chris Brown's verse, hits the "I'm done," and then does the rest of the song too.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Lag

2011-02-05T23:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, there has been a long wait for new content. First, the free wifi around my place grew a password, and this changed my ability to upload and post... not impossible to overcome, but inconvenient.

Then, my netbook died. Truth is: I do most of this work in transit, and I don't actually spend my free time listening to and writing about bad music (and, let's face it, most of this stuff is pretty bad)-- if it ain't done when I'm sitting around waiting, it ain't done. I've done my repairs, but, since I don't upload and post as soon as these pieces are written (see: point 1), all previous entries were lost. Another P!nk song that sounded just like the last P!nk song, but mopier; my first Katy Perry song, which brought new context to the term "pop tart;" and the actually pretty funny "I Just Had Sex." I have no intention of re-writing these things-- one pass is all I'm willing to give those songs.

I've fixed the machine and the netbook is ready to roll once again, so there will be more to come.

Sorry about the wait. I have a good excuse.

Yolanda Be Cool - We No Speak Americano

2011-01-20T23:14:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

and the award for Song No One Has Any Reason To Listen To When Not Dancing goes to...

Yolanda Be Cool
We No Speak Americano
Club Anthem
#66 (LoMid)
Jan 13, 2011
Johnson Peterson

Sylvester Martinez

Duncan Maclennan

Renato Carosone

Nicola Salerno

Johnson Peterson

Sylvester Martinez

Duncan Maclennan

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

The last time I reviewed this song, I wondered if I could get awaywith a one line review... and now I'm spilling more (virtual) ink onthe awful thing; it is slightly less awful without Pitbull chanting“Bon Bon Bon Bon” every couple seconds. It's still a Run, noquestion, but it benefits, as most songs do, from the lack of bon bonbonning.

Aside from that, there's almost nothing to say; it's an old standardthat's been chopped up and had a dance beat added to it. At least when Rednex decided to make a dance-floor anthem outof “Cotton-Eyed Joe,” they actually recorded a cover version of the folk standard--adding a simple beat to a1950s novelty tune barely even counts as a remix, no matter how many timesthey loop the instrumental sections.

Counting my blessings, the most annoying repetition in the Pitbullversion is lessened here: the bleeping lead line made from a singlehorn sample is there, but it's not a constant irritant, quacking awaythrough the entire song. It also eventually changes (gasp!)

I'm not sure this song is anything but a kick drum thump meant tokeep people dancing. It's barely a song, and there's hardly anythingto say about it, other than I never want to hear it again.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Flo Rida - Club Can't Handle Me

2011-01-15T22:23:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

The cookie cutter may be the same, but at least the cookies taste slightly better

Flo Rida
Club Can't Handle Me
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Jan 13, 2011
Tramar Dillard
Carmen Key
Kasia Livingston
Mike Caren
David Guetta
Frédéric Riesterer
Giorgio Tuinfort
David Guetta
Frédéric Riesterer

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

I've often complained about the eurodisco/house-derived dance musicbeing stamped out of a rusty and overused cookie cutter (somebodyclean that thing!), but what always grates is not so much anadherence to formula as the laziness and lack of ambition. What Ireally hate is music that sounds like it was tossed off in 10minutes (one beat, four chords, modulate for the chorus... okay,done). There's a place for music assembled by downloading a coupleroyalty-free loops and throwing them together in a prescribedpattern: it's called the internet... where bedroom music amateurs,pornography, make-up tutorial videos, and crank critics share space. The thoughtless, thrown-together music backing Taio Cruz and Rihannabelong on the radio as much as I belong in the New York Times.

(I'm dying for the ironic comeuppance of that last bit to strike...from either side)

With all that in mind, “Club Can't Handle Me” isn't half bad--it's completely a product of it's house-based formula, sure, but somework went into writing it. There are music breaks in the verses,including hard stops and a weird, wavetable-sounding freakout in thebass (check out the crazy synth at 1:01), and there's a chordsuspension that stetches lines in the third verse and actually buildsanticipation. The beat is standard, but at least offers a fewbreaks, and the whole thing actually sounds dance-floor ready; itdoesn't sound like sluggish pop written for housecleaning or carstereo commutes, it is meant to bounce in a club.

Is it just me, or is there a $50 Casio (set to Violin) playing thebase chords to Lennon's “Imagine” in the beginning of this song?

You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you I'm watchin you we go all out
The club can't even handle me right now

Lyrically, there's almost no conversation to have: there's not asingle workable rhyme in the chorus, and the verses are just bouncyrhythm (Flo Rida claims to be “arrogant, like yeah,”) but Ireally don't care that much... nothing in the lyrics strikes me inany way, neither clever nor irritating. I can always do without “putyour hands up” chanting, but after the horror this genre'sinflicted on me, “Club Can't Handle Me” feels pretty innocuous.

I suppose it's all a matter of perspective: I've heard so much dancemusic that can't be played in war zones for fear of violating theGeneva Convention, I'm disproportionately impressed by a song thatwould at least cause a debate within the tribunal. Truth be told,it's not even a very good song... but it isn't offensively awful, andit deserves some credit for being better than so many of its peers.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Train - Shake up Christmas

2011-01-10T23:20:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

And you even put "Ho Ho Ho" in the chorus.

Train
Shake Up Christmas
Christmas
#99 (Low)
Dec 30, 2010
Train
Butch Walker

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

Oh shit, don't tell me Sugar Ray's back.

No... okay... it's just Train. I'm not sure it's less painful,really-- it's always hard to listen to white guys who developed theiridea of “soulful” vocals from years of intense Sublime fandom. It takes a very special band to marry a song that missed the cut froma 1996 Jock Rock compilation to Christmas lyrics, I suppose.

Writing Christmas songs, in general, is a bad idea for any modernmusician-- most, like “Shake Up Christmas,” will hit cut-out binson December 26^th and never be heard from again. In therare instance a modern pop star's Christmas song sticks, it's usuallya tragic event for the world of music... I'm pretty sure when GeorgeCarlin said “The wrong two Beatles died first,” he'd justlistened to McCartney's “Wonderful Christmas Time,” a song thatcan be counted as a crime against humanity.

It sounds like the band's hedging its bets, too, because there'salmost nothing Christmasy in the lyrics-- the verses mention Santa acouple times, but the main theme of the song is that little childrenwish everything would be nice. That's fine, as far as it goes, butit's such a dim bulb sentiment, and we have the world's cheesiestchorus to wash it down.

Shake it up
Shake up the happiness
Wake it up
Wake up the happiness
Come on, ya'll
It's Christmas time
Ho ho ho
Ho ho ho
It's Christmas time

Since the song starts with our narrator saying he's going to tell usa story that he can't quite remember, the chorus makes sense inperspective: this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Therewere children, once upon a time, who prayed and hoped for... um...shaking up the happiness? Sure. All over the world.

They pray to Santa, of course... Jesus has no place on secular radio. I sort of assumed Christmas songs would get the kind of pass that'suniversally applied to country music, but if Train doesn't want tosing about Christ in their Christmas song, so be it. There could bea whole discussion about how the holiday existed long beforeChristians (where'd that pine tree come from?), but that would takeup too much space... what's important is: plenty of non-Christiansare pro-Christmas.

What's more important within the context of this song is:Train doesn't know any of that (or if they do, they're not trying tocommunicate it in this song). This is a thirdhand tale by a guywho's pretty sure he heard about some little girl wishing that theworld would be full of happiness, and that she'd be on “Santa'smagic list.” Santa's list is magic? Since when? Is that why itneeds to be checked twice?

Another problem I have here: I don't think of myself as racist, butcan we ban white guys from singing “come on, ya'll” ever again? Also, turning the already weak pop laziness of “oh oh”s into “hoho ho”s is a pretty tacky way to Christmasize your maddeningly awfulchorus.

I suppose the mid-90's hey-isn't-this-Sugar-Ray?ness of thissong proves that some things never go out of style. This song isn'tone of them... but Columbia Records doesn't know that, and they'redevoted to proving a moronic song excavated in a time capsule, with abig enough advertising budget and plenty of payola to radio stations,can hit #99 on the charts on the week of Christmas. Good job, guys.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

PS: Extra nausea factor: I just found out that this song is also a Coke commercial. Trying desperately to find Writer/Producer credits, I kept coming up with business articles about Coca-Cola's marketing strategy.

3OH!3 - Hit It Again

2011-01-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Okay everybody: Keytar dance party! Whee!

3OH!3
Hit It Again
Sleaze
#33 (LoMid)
Dec 30, 2010
Sean Foreman
Nathaniel Motte

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer (s):

If a song ever conjured the image of guys trying to look cool playingkeytars, this is it.

This group seems like they're trying to create Motley Crue-stylepromiscuity rock out of hilariously chaste and wimpy synth pop. Everything about this song sounds like a middle-school boy braggingabout nonexistent sexual exploits. From the tragically autotuned“I'll make you say Ooh!” intro to the “Woah oh!” chorus, thissong is using its dad's shaving cream and razor even though itdoesn't even have peachfuzz to shave: it wants to show you how grownup it is, but using “fuck” in the chorus can't undo the fact thatthe little kids named their band 3OH!3.

(note the exclamation point)

This is now, that was then
You broke my heart
I let you in
This is now, that was then
I fucked around
with all your friends
Woah oh, woah oh
Woah oh oh oh
Woah oh, woah oh
Woah oh oh oh
This is now, that was then
Forget all about the past
and let's hit it again

Near as I can make out, the narrative thrust of this song is: oursinger is a wanton ass who fucked his way through all of his ex'sgirlfriends, and the girl in question broke his heart after he “lether in,” so she obviously deserves that kind of thing. Time haspassed, however, and the sleazy manchild is up for another tumblebecause, hey, heartbreaker on not, he'd like to hit it again.

Can't imagine why she'd need so much convincing. Especially sinceshe's definitely real. You just haven't met her because she lives inCanada. This guy's totally had sex before.

I figure that's the gist... but for the life of me I can't decipherhow the opening verse fits in. What the hell does “I got the dirtyol' hands of a drummer in a band but I never really hit the sticks. I got the sunburn tan of every working man who spent a minute in aditch” have to do with the It he devotes the song to hitting again? Is he trying to tell us how tough he is (even though he's neither adrummer nor a day laborer)? More importantly, how does it relate tothe Woah Ohs?

That kind of incoherent posturing makes me wonder about ournarrator... he's obviously a total badass, and we know he fuckedaround with all this girl's friends, but I wonder how she broke hisheart. Maybe she told him his hair looked silly... that'd be hard onthis guy, but it's the kind of heartbreak you have to survive if youwant to grow up to be My Darkest Days.

Musically, I suppose I have to give it some credit for doing a littlesomething with rhythm; especially in the verses, someone put someeffort into the synths and the beats. When the chorus hits,though... that's when I imagine the keytars coming out: Keytar danceparty! Eurodisco bounce, everybody! Wheee!

er... I mean... “Woah oh!” I don't think the guy with thesunburn tan of every working man wants to acknowledge that hischorus is “Wheee!” and sounds like it's meant to be embraced bythe mustache and short-shorts crowd.

The first time that chorus broke, it made me laugh pretty hard...but I'm not giving this one a pass for unintentional hilarity. Thissong's multi-layered bad-- it makes me want to strangle the singer,and musical shift in the chorus only made me laugh because it's soglaringly awful.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

The Band Perry - If I Die Young

2011-01-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Death to the Virginal Country Princesses... literally

The Band Perry
If I Die Young
Hallmark
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 30, 2010
Kimberly Perry
Nathan Chapman
Paul Worley

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

If I was having any lingering guilt about not hating Taylor Swift,The Band Perry just expunged it... this Virginal Pop Country Princessthing is excruciating. If Carrie Underwood is there formother/daughter tears at weddings and George Strait is working on dadmortality tearjerkers, The Band Perry is bleeding sap even morenefarious: dead kids.

Well, dead Virginal Pop Country Princesses, anyway... by measure of subject material alone, Swift lookslike a Rhodes Scholar in comparison.

On one hand, this song is a letter to a grieving mother from her deadteenager: “It's okay, mom. I lived enough.” That strikes me asreally tacky; I'm sure grieving mothers want to hear that, but cheapplatitudes from pop country don't sound particularly genuine. Thissong can serve as 3:40 of “God just needed another angel. That'swhy he had to take her.” Thanks, Hallmark. I'm sure you'vecornered this market.

A penny for my thoughts
Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more
after I'm a goner
and maybe then you'll hear
the words I've been singing
funny when you're dead
how people start listening

On the other: this song is an extended teenage “They'd miss me if Iwas gone” moping dressed up in country princess rainbows. Isuppose it's nice to know that it's not just the girls with multiplelip rings and tri-colored hair that do this, but there's a lot ofcreepiness in there. There's no mistaking the intent of “funnywhen you're dead how people start listening.”

You never paid attention to me, but now you'll have to listen. Has Trent Reznor's stock sunk so low that The Band Perry can chiselinto his market? That's a little sad.

Well, that... and the dollar/goner line is a bigger groaner thananything Taio Cruz could have written... but this song is full ofterrible rhymes. That's the one that really stands out, though.

The connotations of the song are that Virginal Pop Country Princessesare, of course, virgins who will be welcomed into heaven (“I'll bewearing white when I come into your kingdom, I'm as green as the ringon my little cold finger.”) Should I even comment on the song's presupposition of a Christian heaven? Nah... everyone knows country music isn't for non-Christians. When we die, the lord has no intention of making us into rainbows ("Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors.")

Phew... it must be sign-off time; I keep wanting to beat this song with its own lyrics, even though there's no further point to be made. It's a sappy, pouty tearjerker... gee, I wonder who's making a song like this climb the charts.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Lil Wayne - 6 Foot, 7 Foot

2011-01-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Lil Wayne is silent, like so much of the pasta he admires

Lil Wayne
6 Foot, 7 Foot
Bragging
#11 (High)
Dec 30, 2010
Dwayne Carter
Peter Panky, Jr.
Shrondrae Crawford
Bangladesh

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Okay, that's justannoying.

Musically, this isjust an endless repetition of two Harry Belafonte loops, thin anddrained of all low end, just sort of chirping away. The Belafontebedrock is assisted by low and large kick/sub/notes, and a single“ssh” sound and hand clap... set that up and just keep it goingfor four minutes.

Now marry that witha really monotonous freestyle from Lil Wayne... no chorus, norefrain, no nuthin-- it's just his unchanging, mid-paced flow untilCory Gunz shows up at the end. Somewhere after two minutes of LilWayne, he starts to sound like Chris Tucker in The Fifth Elementto me (he's kinda squeaky), but I'm just beat until I'm numb by Wayne's nonstop barrage ofsyllables: at first, it seems like the sampled loop (“six foot,seven foot, eight foot bunch!”) would serve as a refrain, but aftera little bit, Wayne just raps over that, too... and to what end? Theguy just keeps blasting away over his own song's chorus topontificate the aural qualities of lasagna.

Papertracer, tell that paper, look I'm right behind ya
Bitch,real G's move in silence like lasagna
Peoplesay I'm borderline crazy sorta kinda
Womanof my dreams, I don't sleep so I can't find her
Younigga's are gelatin, peanuts to an elephant
Igot through that sentence like a subject and a predicate

Wait,what?

Dude,think about what you're going to say before you say it. There are anamazing number of things that fail to make sense in that verse, evenwithout the silent lasagna.

Nomatter how many ways I approach that, I can't find a way to make itless weird. At its most clever (and this might be a stretch), he's insinuating that the"g" in lasagna is silent (it isn't-- that's like saying the "z"s in pizza are silent)... and that's the best possible interpretation. Outside of that, I guess it might mean that noodles don't make noise.

WhenCory Gunz takes his verse, he starts with a weird, almost fluteymonotone that threatens to be moreannoying than Lil Wayne, but not only does he ditch that tone after afew seconds, he also doubletimes some of his lines, giving the songsome much needed varaiation in the vocal rhythm... the best flourishcoming when, in the middle of rapid-fire lyrics, he says “pause”instead of pausing. It's almost like he was going so fast throughthe script, he read the stage directions aloud.

Foras annoying as this song is, I've got to admit: it's different...so my annoyance is tempered by a grudging respect for anyone whothought this was a good idea (I never would have thought of that) andactually turned the annoying fucking thing into a hit.

Howthe hell did that happen? Can Lil Wayne make this sort of thing workwith sheer force of will?

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Sean Kingston - Letting Go

2011-01-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

And now, a four minute meditation on the duttiness of love

Sean Kingston
Letting Go (Dutty Love)
Club Anthem
#98 (Low)
Dec 23, 2010
Ester Dean
Tor Hermansen
Mikkel Eriksen
Sean Kingston
Onika Maraj
Stargate

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

At the onset, Ijust don't get the refrain. What the hell does “Dutty dutty dutty dum dum”mean? “Dutty” is just not in my vocabulary. I'm not sure if thelove is dutty or not, but I get the feeling that the chorus could be“do do do do do do da da” without any real impact on the song(losing the duttiness isn't going to change the meaning) and thoughI'm almost never a fan of do do dos, they aren't measurablyworse than dutty dutty dutty.

Kingston hasbasically Caribbean'd me out of this song (so... “dutty” is“dirty,” then?), and I really can't make out any of the words;between the accent and the egregious use of autotune, I can't getmuch out of the verses but the rhythm. This is the worst autotuneI've heard: there are digital jumps and skips in the middle ofsyllables. The words sound like they've been thrown into a blender.

While we're stuckwith those annoying raver synths and autotune abuse, at least they'renot using that stock house beat. I guess if the whole thing is ahappy, sunny dance track, it's all about the rhythm anyway, so I'vegot to be thankful that at least the rhythm was done with some skill.

Also, I can'tfigure Nicki Minaj out-- she's obviously talented; her part in“Monster” was too good to be coincidence or blind luck. Usually when shepops up in a song, though, it's just not that interesting (leaningtowards “annoying,”) and this is another tune where she doesn'treally offer much.

Content-wise, Ithink the song is mostly about loosening up and having fun...I'm still having a tough time figuring out how that meshes with dutty(dirty?) love, but then again, if the refrain is “dutty duttydutty dum dum,” maybe I shouldn't worry too much about it makingsense.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Sick Puppies - Maybe

2010-12-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Wholesomeness from a band called Sick Puppies, sounding like banal 80's rock. Que?

Sick Puppies
Maybe
Carpe Diem
#66 (LoMid)
Dec 23, 2010
Shimon Moore
Antonina Armato
Tim James

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

When the songstarts, everyone join me with your best Bono impression:

Ihave climbed
highest mountain...

Well, that was fun. Maybe we should chip in and buy the Sick Puppies' guitarist an echopedal. It's christmas, after all: the time for picking on U2. Oh,and free stuff.

This one shiftsaway from the point where you can make U2 jokes pretty quickly,though-- the verses sink into Richard Marx territory almost immediately,with a kind of Warrant/Poison/Bon Jovi power ballad chorus, a breakthat was swept off Use Your Illusion's cutting room floor, andjust a touch of nasal pop-punk in the lead vocal. If that doesn'tsound like an appetizing stew, take it up with the manufacturers.

“Maybe” beliesits manufactured origins in its sound: mathematically designed inCAD, played by machines, and then crushed as far as possible into itspackage. The design of the song is built around the most reliablerock cliches (you remember the turned down half-chorus I mentioned in“The Breath You Take?” Here it is again,) making the firstlisten come off like a song you've already heard. The inhuman sound,like the layered voices in the chorus and the mechanical,never-varying instruments, were “cleaned up” or “enhanced” inthe computer used to record them. As for the crushing*: a songshouldn't be this distorted (not the guitars or one specific sound--the whole song has been distorted), and it sounds like someonefed it into a piece of gear called “louder for the radio” andturned all its knobs to 11...

A final note on thesound of this thing: in mixing terminology, you call an instrumentwithout any effects “dry” and one with an effect (like reverb)“wet;” well, this snare drum is soggy. The 80's hairspraybands were lousy with this kind of snare, but this song is absolutelythe worst I've ever heard. Apparently, the reason the guitaristcan't get his Edge on is because, though he already has a delaypedal, they're using it on the snare drum.

And maybe it's timeto change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walkalone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel sowrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a betterlife
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays thesame
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe I'm adreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
Theside of me you should

Lyrically, “Maybe”is the first Carpe Diem song of the project: full of seizing themoment, doing your best, and taking advantage of a brand new day...which I wouldn't mind so much, if it a) wasn't so corny, and b) keepsswitching back and forth between “I'm good enough” and “butwhat if I fail?” When the chorus is so “Yay, I can do it!”it's hard to listen to the whiny verses... well, that, and it's hardto listen to a song that begins with “Maybe I'm just a dreamer.”

Maybe it'shopeless
Maybe I should just give up
And what if I can't trustmyself
What if I just need some help

If you don't thinkit can get sillier than the first verse, verse two opens with a linethat has me picturing the guy sulking down the street in the rain,bangs in his face, kicking rocks down the street: “Maybe it'shopeless, maybe I should just give up.” Golly, I'll bet anotherpeppy chorus will have him walking on sunshine again... it keepscropping up like a Stuart Smalley sketch: whenever you start withstinkin' thinkin', you turn to the mirror and say “I'm goodenough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonnit, people like me!”

Not to digress, but when the band name is Sick Puppies, how is this the song I get? It's like firing up a band called "The Wholesome Family" and getting a song about animal necrophiliacs overthrowing the government. How does the band name like "Sick Puppies" evoke a message of Hey, everybody! Reach for the stars!

Even if the lyricsare pretty silly, it's the wild over-production that makes this oneunbearable. I'm sure if it was just a guy with a guitar, this songwould... well, it'd sound better, at least. As it is, thesong already sounds dated, a stale blend of radio rock clichés thathave very little to do with chords or lyrics... this sounds the wayit does because someone decided to make it into an overblownfacsimile of LA rock at its biggest and most inane.

It's the audio equivalent of ageeky kid with huge glasses squeezing into tight, vinyl pants.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

*We could follow an aside about Mastering (a process that, among other things, is often used to make songs sound louder on the radio) down a long and winding rabbit hole, but I'm not going to bore you with that. Generally, when a whole song is crushed to death and distorted in the process, someone did a shitty mastering job... this song is a fine example of a really shitty mastering job. For a quick overview, here is an NPR feature on the issue.

Genre: Carpe Diem

2010-12-28T22:08:00.000-08:00

In the world of pop music, this is a spiritual cousin of Stand Up-- come on, audience, be your best!

You know, day seizing... and, as music goes, this is generally a pretty good place to start: even at its most poorly written, the Carpe Diem song is at least a positive thought. That can be undone, of course, by insincerity on the songwriter's or performer's part, and pop stars can sound awfully condescending preaching from On High.

Enrique Iglesias - I Like It

2010-12-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Another thing Enrique likes: Not trying too hard

Enrique Iglasias
I Like It
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 23, 2010
Enrique Iglesias
Nadir Khayat
Armando Pérez
Lionel Richie
RedOne

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

The spots around#11 are still jammed up with songs I've already reviewed, so we groanand head into the next euro dance pop track... I'm not about topretend that this song isn't all kinds of terrible, but it is prettylively. Sure, “I Like It” is guilty of everything I hate aboutthis stuff (stock house synths, autotuned vocals, uninventive beats,moronic lyrics, and a structure so dated and overused it might betemplate included in Apple's Garageband studio software), but it isslightly less guilty than a lot of songs in its weight class. Thatit has any lively bounce at all is pretty helpful; most songs likethis are so lifeless and stale-sounding I can't imagine anyonedancing to them.

Past that, all ofmy previous complaints remain valid-- can we please, please,stop holding four chords on a trancegate-equipped keyboard andsetting it to a house beat? I don't want to keep complaining aboutit, but it just keeps happening. Since it all happens in exactlythe same way, the songs grouped together by this laziness are all pretty indistinguishable...

Lyrically... okay,let's just all admit that the words to this song don't matter. Thissong, written from a guy's perspective, implies: “You there, hotgirl with whom I already have a sexual connection. We can hook uptonight, and though there's a little bit of flirting going on rightnow, we'll be fucking less than ten minutes after we leave the club.” It says: “Know the way you're sexy dancing implies we'll befucking soon? I like that.”

Well, duh.

Next up, a songabout how good food tastes when you're hungry.

Or about how beingin love is better than being sad. (Oh hell, I just tripped over thedelta between broad satire and actual songs.)

The bridge offerstwo concepts that smack of an overt 80'sness: shaking your love(which has been lying dormant since the era of Debbie Gibson), andnot stopping until you get enough (who was that guy with the oneglove? I seem to remember him being a really good dancer). Thisdoesn't really bother me that much-- if a dance/club/party song isfree of the kind of lyrical atrocities you'll find in Dynamite, I'llgive it a pass.

This is the secondPitbull guest spot, and I think I like him in that role. Granted,“Bon Bon” was nails-on-a-chalkboard bad, but I kind of like himrapping the guest verse in these dance songs. Then again, I don'treally like these dance songs, so by the time Pitbull shows up, he'susually a break in the drudgery that comes with generic-soundingtracks.

My most enduringcomplaint is that it's just another one of these songs... Whentrack after track is just the same song over again, it's awfully hardto write anything about them. The lyrics aren't as stupid as Taio Cruz's and the beats aren't as limp as Rihanna's, but it's not reallymuch different from those songs either.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Bruno Mars - Marry You

2010-12-23T22:58:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

I'm saying "No no no no no"

Bruno Mars
Marry You
Marriage Porn
#98 (Low)
Dec 16, 2010
Bruno Mars
Plilip Lawrence
Ari Levine
The Smeezingtons

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

It just gets worseand worse! If this song had balls, it would be receiving quick,repeated kicks until it crawled, whimpering, back into whatever kindof hole spews this annoying junk forth. I know I usually wait untildiscussing the song a little bit before digging into lyrics, but whenthe refrain is “Don't say no no no no no, just say yeah yeah yeahyeah yeah, and we'll go go go go go, if you're ready,” you don'twant to bury the lead: that's precisely how stupid this song is.

I'm sure proposalsscored by this thing are conducted by people who would look downtheir nose at Rascal Flats, but “Marry You” is even morefrustrating because it's so smug and cutesy. It's no less Marriage Porn for it, either, complete with churchbells (which I think areplaying the bell melody from They Might Be Giants' “The Bells AreRinging” in the chorus, and “I Melt with You” in the intro) inthe arrangement.

It's a beautiful night
We're looking for something dumb to do
Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you
Is it the look in your eyes
or is it this dancing juice?
Who cares, baby
I think I wanna marry you

Since it containsthe title, I'm going to assume the “Hey baby, I think I wanna marryyou” part is the chorus, though the “just say yeah yeah yeah yeahyeah” stuff is repeated about as often (and was probably the hookthat sold the single). Regardless, it sounds awfully condescending--getting married is his idea of something dumb to do, just to pass thetime, and he's not even certain if this whim is inspired by the girlor the drink.

Quick answer: ifyou're not sure if it's the booze or not, you're too drunk to bemaking a decision like this. Do us all a favor and sleep on it.

Also, for a song called “Marry You,” Idon't think there's a single mention of love. It is vocally in support of letting the choir bells sing "like ooooh," (which, by the way, is not the sound bells make), but it doesn't have anything to say about love.

The repetition ofthe two parts I've already quoted make up most of the running time ofthe song, but one of the few other lines is “Who cares if we'retrash, got a pocket full of cash we can blow.” I'm sure it's meantto be quirky, but it's probably also an honest reflection of what thewriters think of their audience.

I haven't mentionedit in a while because I don't want to repeat myself by continuallyharping on Autotune, but this is an example of the other wayit can be misapplied... like Billy Joel singing the national anthem(okay, maybe it's not that bad), no one's trying for a stylisheffect here; the voice is just being jerked into key every time hedrifts a bit. He's probably not a bad singer, but forcing this vocalpart into computer perfection sounds painfully imperfect.

On the other hand,we should be thankful when we hear the autotune engage on thathowling, hound dog summoning “Just say 'I dooooooooooo.'” I'mbetting autotune is the lesser of two evils in that case.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

George Strait - The Breath You Take

2010-12-21T22:39:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

I heard they put the dog to sleep in the extended version for added weepiness.

George Strait
The Breath You Take
Hallmark
#66 (LoMid)
Dec 16, 2010
Dean Dillon
Jessie Jo Dillon
Casey Beathard
Tony Brown
George Strait

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

O cruel fate, isthis my punishment for disparaging the trivial but unoffending “Aston Martin Music?” To feel the terrible sting of George Straitsappiness? Lo, the heartfelt drama, presaged as it was by the namingof Hallmark as a genre, the tumultuous forces use my own designs towreak terrible revenge!

Seriously, though,“The Breath You Take” is even more overwrought and dramatic thanany corny prologue I could type. It's picking some low hangingfruit, too: like Carrie Underwood bet song sales againstmother/daughter wedding dances, Strait's going even wider...everyone's got a dad, right? (go ahead, be a jerk; start listingexceptions) Point is: this kind of thing has a massive, built-inmarket, especially in family values-friendly country music.

This song deservessome ire for its stunningly uninventive sappiness. Prefect Dad (anew superhero, it seems) comes to your baseball game even though hehad a plane to catch and came to your daughter's birth even though hedidn't have to. His theory: “Life's not the breath you take, thebreathing in and out... but the moments that take your breath away.” That's all fine (though I could mention the importance of breathingin and out), but it seems baseball and a trip to the ER waiting roomare the width and breath of Strait's image of Perfect Dad.

The implications ofboth events are “it was inconvenient for me to be here, but I cameanyway,” but they're sung in such a way to evoke a kindly, countrygentleman. Both are things a father simply ought to do (if you putyour kid in an activity, attend the activity. Oh, and don'tskip out on the birth of your grandkids), but they're given maximumschmaltz by making sure Perfect Dad has sacrificed something to dothem... and if this isn't bald fiction composed by professional songwriters, I'll be shocked. Thesescenarios were invented for maximum Hallmark effect: you have to lovePerfect Dad, because when Strait kills him in the third act, he wantsyou to feel it.

Sort of. George Strait didn't write this-- we can blame him for singing it, but he didn't add a single word to the Mortality of Perfect Dad tearjerker. There's a team of three writers, raised on a steady diet of "Cat's in the Cradle" and loved-one-dies-of-cancer movies, to blame for that.

Musically, it'spretty rote... It's got the exact same structure as any BackstreetBoys song you'll find. Who would have guessed there's be a modulationinto the bridge? Or that the following chorus would be stripped downwhen it returned? On one hand, these conventions have served plenty of good songs, and we should all be thankful Strait (producer and Pure Country icon) didn't squeeze in a drum machine for a dance pop bastardization. On the other... who composed those strings? Aaron Zigman? It sounds like we're watching a Nicholas Sparks adaptation in here, these are the violins that score Mandy Moore's lukemia.

I guess I agree with one aspect of this song: we really should treasure the moments that make life worth living, but none of those moments involve listening to this phony and overwrought treacle.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rick Ross - Aston Martin Music

2010-12-21T00:46:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Slightly less cool than 007's car. Can we rename it "Toyota Corolla Music?"

Rick Ross
Aston Martin Music
Bragging
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 16, 2010
Rick Ross
Drake
Chrisette Michelle
JUSTICE League

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

The top of thecharts are looking like a parking lot right now, so, sorry... noHigh spot this week: tracks 8-14 are all songs I've already reviewed. Just as well, since it's taken me a long time to try and write about“Aston Martin Music,” and I'm not sure why. Either it'sbasically a dial-tone that just refuses to make any marks on mybrain, or I've got a teflon coating for this kind of thing.

Shame, because thebranding in the title works for me; I was looking forward to thissong. I get why, like Scarface and the Corleones, Bond lives largein hip hop culture: he's unbeatable in a gunfight, irresistible towomen, and lives the high life (tailored clothes, the finest food andrink, and a slick car). Even if most of the movies are lousy (outof over 20 movies, there's about a 1-5 quality ratio), the characterhimself is always an ideal: James Bond is SuperGangsta.

This song isdesperately lacking in its Bondness: not smooth, fancy, or dangerous. The music doesn't evoke an Aston Martin... this is Honda Accordmusic. Honestly, if you stripped all the vocal parts away, it's atrack Kenny G would have no trouble soloing over. Designed to be medium-tempo and non dynamic, it's one real flourish is a hard stop(“Ballin!”) that sounds so awkward it makes me feel bad forcomplaining about the lack of changes: if that's what you're doingfor variety, we can probably do without. They sweep down somefilters on the beats for the chorus... but I doubt that would throwKenny G's game.

I kept listening tothe song trying to focus on the lyrics, but the whole thing is...just... so... boring. I get that the verses are all Bond: guns,girls (who take orders from you, no less: she calls you “boss”while you “listen to the yeah yeah yeahs”), convertibles, andlots of money, but Rick Ross never seems to complete a thought. Theverses switch from one idea to the next without any connectivetissue, as if Ross is as bored as I am, tuning out after a line and ahalf and starting over. The chorus is just a constant repetition ofthe song title in robotic monotone: no melody or rhythm at all.

There's no way towork up any real hatred for a song so bland you can barely rememberit as soon as it's done playing, but I have to give this one a Runbecause it's a lousy song without any redeeming qualities (at leastWiz Khalifa and Blake Shleton were so bad they were funny). Does“Aston Martin Music” have an excellent video? I must be missingsomething, because I have no idea why this song is popular.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Far East Movement - Like a G6

2010-12-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

An uptempo dance track about a downtempo chill scene.
Scanning for self-aware irony: None detected.

Far East Movement
Like a G6
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 9, 2010
Jae Choung

Virman Coquia

Niles Holowell-Dhar

Kevin Nishimura

James Roh

David Singer-Vine
The Cataracs

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Well there it is:the dreaded G6 song. This was the song that sat at Billboard's #1when I started looking into how to tackle this project, it was #1when I began writing, and stayed #1 even after that. “Like a G6” isabsolutely the reason I didn't pick the number one song of any weekas a review, a song would get there and just sit for weeks at atime... and still, I wondered about the song itself.

I wasn't so curiousas to go out and listen to it until it landed on my review list--let's not go nuts (I'm pretty much at capacity for pop hits. I'm notseeking out extras.) Camping at the top spot could could meananything (iTunes sales to kids obsessed with sizzurp? Label payola?) Maybe the song's success is a result of the song itself being reallygood.

Stranger thingshave happened... but I'm glad I didn't have my hopes up.

Truth be told, thisthing isn't that bad-- it's a total club song, even if the lyrics arethe polar opposite of the music, this is a classic 303-style squelchybassline with a retro drum machine beat (the lyrics call out the808). It's probably done with emulators or soundalikes, because noone can afford a real TB-303 or TR-808 these days, but it's okay byme. High art it's not, and it can't compete with something that hasgreat beats and music (I was listening to “Chonkyfire” offAquemini today), but it is better than the limp beats I'veheard from Will.i.am and so many others. “Like a G6”sounds like it belongs in a club; it actually sounds like peoplewould dance to it. This beat is bangin' in exactly the way "Check It Out"s is not.

Poppin bottles inthe ice
like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right
gettinslizzer'd
Sippin sizzurp in my ride
like Three 6
Now I'mfeelin so fly
like a G6

and that's a bit ofthe problem: lyrically, this is not supposed to be a banging clubtrack. The lyrics are all about getting slizzer'd on sizzurp(there's a wikipedia entry for it under Purple Drank; the wikidoesn't use the actual word, but that's sizzurp: codeine based coughsyrup and soda), the flagship drink of chopped & screwed remixes. The chorus even calls out the Three 6 Mafia, formative in the style,but chopped & screwed tracks are slooooooow, sedated even, andnot really built for dance clubs.

I probably have toexplain: Michelle, our singer, showed us all Lil Jon, and his chopped& screwed remixes were the first I ever heard. Personally, Ithink it's pretty cool... and I have some love for Lil Jon, too. Whatever you think of him, Lil Jon's got a unique sound and infuseseverything he does with his own distinct personality (and, if you canfind it, track down the deleted-from-YouTube Lil Jon/Lazytown mashup. That thing rules). Regardless, this is one area where I'm slightlyless of a hermit... I'm no authority, sure, but it doesn't take muchto figure a sizzurp sippin, Three Six bumpin night doesn't end up atthe dance clubs that play “Like a G6.”

Also, what thehell's a G6? Everyone seems to think it's a jet... but I can't findit. Claims made after the song became popular say it's slang for aGulfstream G650, but I can't dig up anyone calling that plane a “G6”anywhere but in a reference to this song. If someone can offer upany information that Far East Movement isn't picking random syllablesso they can rhyme with a call-out to the Three 6 Mafia, let me know. Right now, I'm unconvinced, and I'm going to dictate that any episodes of Fringe that are boring be called “Boringe” so we can finally have aword that rhymes with “orange.” It's no less arbitrary thanwhat's going on here.

Generally, that'swhere I am with the song: it's not a bad dance track, but it's gotantithetical lyrics and strangely Electroclash vocals in the chorus(now there's a fad whose 15 minutes couldn't end quicklyenough.) I don't hate it, but it would definitely get on my nervesif I had to listen to it more than I just have.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Lil Wayne - Right Above It

2010-12-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Cue up your training montage

Lil Wayne
Right Above It
Bragging
#32 (HiMid)
Dec 9, 2010
Dwayne Carter, Jr.
Aubrey D. Graham
Daniel Johnson
Andrew Canton
Kane Beatz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Wow... that'sreally heroic. If Rocky was going to train to a hip hop tune, thissong would score the montage. The synth horns that open the songcould probably make the argument all by themselves: they're prettyobviously coming out of someone's Korg Triton (Lil Wayne, I have twowords for you: Miroslav Orchestra. I know you have the hard drivespace), but they're endearingly cheesy. This song would probablysound amazing with real horns... but no use crying over spilledsamples.

Though the hornsare the first thing I noticed, the beats are the best thing aboutthis song. Some work went into the programming on this one. Thekick skitters around on the bottom of the track, and there's a lot ofcomplexity in the hats and cymbals, all kept in check by a steadyhandclap. Somebody was having a lot of fun with the drums when theyput this one together.

I thought it wasodd that the vocals were so low in the mix-- the music sort ofoverwhelms the voices in most of the song. I can still make out thelyrics, but the music is way up front... odd for this type of music,but it sort of makes sense when I try to write about the lyrics andkeep coming up dry. The music is punched up because the words arekinda boring.

Putting up musicthis epic to back a brag track begs for some audacity, but thebravado in this just seems commonplace (“I've been fly so long Ifell asleep on the fucking plane”). There's money, crews, cars,and girls (“Don't like my women single, I like my chicks in twos”),but no more than anyone else's bragging... maybe even a littleless. Writing this dull makes me wonder why the song needs to existat all, since it shares space with “Monster.”

Lackluster, but notawful... and it could be worse. The numbers got shuffled this weekbecause #33 was being consumed by, you guessed it, Glee. That putsthings in perspective.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Michael Jackson & Akon - Hold My Hand

2010-12-14T23:06:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Suddenly, the songs not good enough for a Michael Jackson record are being exhumed and sold. Maybe the quality of the music improved over time.

Michael Jackson
Akon
Hold My Hand
Hallmark
#66 (LoMid)
Dec 9, 2010
Aliaune Thiam
Claude Kelly
Giorgio Tuinfort
Akon
Giorgio Tuinfort
Michael Jackson

Artist:

Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

My pop music hermitstatus informs most of my writing, but no one (not even me) is somuch a hermit as to escape the looming shadow of Michael Jackson'slegacy. Hell, Off The Wall was the first cassette I everowned... it was a Christmas present and I was a kid, but still... Theproblem with reviewing MJ is: his death made him a sudden saint,which is supposed to overshadow many years of his publiccontroversies blotting out his fairly uncelebrated, late-career,musical output. There's no way to win this one.

Me, I've recentlyspent time with friends watching old videos of Jackson; that guy wasan amazing performer, and it's still a little stunning to watch himdance. On the other hand, he was mostly a performer-- he sangthe songs and put on a hell of a show, but the songs were mostlywritten by hitmakers and producers (shades of Quincey); he didn'twrite “Thriller,” and he didn't write “Hold My Hand.” I tendto respect songwriters more than stars, but I know that the Jacksonscome from Motown, where there wasn't much crossover between thetalent in front of the mic and the talent composing the music.

It's almostimpossible to deal with “Hold My Hand” in any serious way: no matterwhich part of Jackson's recent story makes you cringe, this song hitsit. There's the creepy, breathy sound of Michael whispering “Holdmy hand” at the end of the song that had to contribute to thesong's suppression (pulled from albums a few years back) when he wasalive and making headlines for all kinds of unpleasant allegations. On the other hand, releasing a song that opens with “this lifedon't last forever” as a posthumous track is tacky, bordering ontasteless. If a reviewer just can't win, this song is born to lose;how can anyone listen to this and not wince?

Then figure in theschmaltzy sentimentality of the song itself: this is a personal tasteissue, but the sappy songs are just not my style. I'm not declaringwar on love songs-- “Hold My Hand” is less interested la amourthan an quick and dirty Hallmark card, and it's the mass-market,universal appeal that smacks of insincerity. The “platonic-or-no?”cheeseball vibe of hand-holding for friendship and warmth isn'thelped any by the alleged friendly sleepovers and public,child-at-heart protests; I'm not trying to pick a fight, but couldn'tsomeone dredge up something with more of the dancy, kick-ass funkthat people loved about Michael Jackson... and avoid pleadingsentiment and weird associations? If all the writing credits are to be believed, Michael wrote "Smooth Criminal;" why aren't we hearing something like that (or "Billy Jean") instead of this schmaltzy crap? And Isn't that what Michael Jackson's fans really want to hear?

Here's to the farside of dancing on this line: I don't want to defame or worship thisguy: let's post some more Jon LaJoie in here (this blog is onlystrengthened by increased Jon LaJoie content)-- it's like backing the Patriot Act in 2001 and screaming about freedom in 2010. You can do both, but one negates the other... no one will believe you on either point once they've seen you endorse two opposite positions.

Even if I shut offthe part of my brain that keeps finding tacky ways to associate thissong with Entertainment Weekly headlines (hey, I go to grocerystores, too), it's not a very good song: it's cheesy in the extreme,and it sounds like one of those awful late 80s ballads destined for junior high Winter Formal dances.

Even without allthe lyrical ways this one seems wrong to me, I still hate it; therelease a cash-in tune for people to make money on a star who's moreprofitable now that he's dead, and the music comes off like an audiogreeting card (all synth strings and sap). I thought about namingthis genre “Sap,” but Hallmark is more appropriate. Someproducts are built for The Land of Emotional Make-Believe: they claimoperatic heights, provide a Disneyland ride, and are designed forthose who don't care to discern between the two.

Aside from all the other problems with this song, there's no way to stream it at the moment, so there's no Play link for this one. It's one thing to make the tacky decision to cash in on a celebrity's death (it's shitty, but it's smart marketing)... but why make it so difficult for people to hear it?

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Hallmark

2010-12-14T17:59:00.000-08:00

My first instinct was to call this genre "Sap & Sentimentality" to give it a little Jane Austen flare, but-- like all transparent tape is Scotch and all tissues are Kleenex-- all cheesy sentiment is Hallmark. My definition of this genre is the transparent tugging of heartstrings: these are not songs that inspire any emotion in me, they're corny greeting cards.

Kanye West & Jay Z - Monster

2010-12-14T05:36:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Nicki Minaj is one for three, but this is the one

Kanye West
Jay-Z
Monster
Bragging
#99 (Low)
Dec 9, 2010
Kanye West
Shawn Carter
William Roberts
Onika Maraj
Justin Vernon
Kanye West

Artist:

Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

I never laid outthe rule that a week would be reviewed top-down, so this week I'llstart with the Low position, simply because it's the song that'shaving the most impact on the blog. Exactly like changing to a Stay,Walk, Run strategy, Kanye's “Monster” made me recursively add featured and guest stars into my listings for one reason:Nicki Minaj.

There's been a bitof recurrence in the featured slot before, but Nicki made mereconsider the whole system because, though she hasn't been the mainname of any song I've reviewed so far, she keeps popping up andalways gets some mention. She was autotuned and blank in the awful“Check It Out,” so much so that you'd never really notice it washer; she was my least favorite part of “Bottom's Up,” but Idetected some interesting turns in her voice, changing charactersfrom her normal tone to a dainty little girl to a growling beast.

The neat littleturns I noticed in “Bottoms Up” live large in “Monster;”three MCs each get a verse, and they get some time to do what they do (thesong runs longer than six minutes), but Nicki Minaj is the realmonster of the track, a force of nature and a goddamned rockstar. Her verse starts slow, but she's already playing with character inthe song; she employs Rastafarian accent at her convenience,sometimes for a line, sometimes just to hit a word. She writes herverse with smaller crescendos, ramping up with the music, digging inand raising intensity as the builds, and switching to her little girlvoice when the beat backs off a bit, and then dropping into her growlto cap off a line. Her part has lots of little arcs that follow themusic, but eventually builds to a scream and roaring “I'm amotherfuckin Monster!” I didn't really dig her in the last twosongs; I love her in this.

The first twoverses pale in comparison. Rick Ross in the first verse is solid andserviceable... since this is a brag track and everyone's declaringtheir monstrousness, you know someone had to pull out and show us hisdick (it was bound to happen), but “Have you ever had sex with aPharaoh? I put the pussy in a sarcophagus. Now she's claiming that Ibruised her esophagus” is sort of amazing: even if it makesabsolutely no sense*, that dude just rhymed sarcophagus withesophagus. Jay-Z's verse is done in that style where the rapper justcan't seem to keep up with the beat-- he never hits the one, alwaysseems to be lagging, and you can hear him struggling for breath inthe gaps; I've heard other rappers use this style, so maybe mypalette just isn't developed enough to appreciate it, but I don'tlike it. Regardless, neither of these guys make as much with themusic as the lady who follows them.

Musically, thisone's pretty good-- I'm not sure how much we're all supposed to bepraising Kanye these days (and again: I'm a hermit, and outside of Garfunkel & Oates, I have no idea where Kanye West falls on the current cultural barometer), but the beats are well written anddramatic, rising and falling within the song to keep its length fromflatlining the whole thing. Bon Iver opens the song with anoctave-synthesized voice that could just as easily be introducing Dr.Funkenstein and closes with a coda that might have appeared on anearly 80's Prince record; neither of these things occur within thebody of the song, but “Monster” begins and ends with stylizedvocal melodies, both of which are pretty cool.

I have to admit,I'm sort of on the fence with this one... there are parts of“Monster” so good they're outstanding, but it's only bits andpieces, and I'm not sure how often I'd listen to a six-and-a-halfminute song simply because I like the third verse. It's compelling,though; this is as close to Stay as a song I'm not actually keepingcan get.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

* the sarcophagus part, I mean-- I'm not so dim as to misunderstand the bruised esophagus. [back]

Pitbull - Bon Bon

2010-12-10T02:03:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job!

Pitbull
Bon Bon
Club Anthem
#99 (Low)
Dec 2, 2010
Matthew Handley
Nicola Salerno
Armando C. Perez
Andrew Stanley
Duncan Maclennan
Renato Carosone
Yolanda Be Cool & D Cup
Nicola Fasano

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

You're kidding,right? No, seriously.

Okay, if they'recalling this a complete song, can I just write “Bonbon bon bon” as my review and call it done?

No fair! Doublestandard!

The problem here isthat I have nothing to write about. There's one synth line, whichsounds like it ought to back Sonic the Hedgehog racing across thescreen... except simpler (would have been too much to ask for threenotes, guys? Is the two note line as much work as you're willing to put in?). The beat actually has some nice layers but, like the synthline, it never changes. If you've heard 30 seconds of thissong, you've heard the whole thing; unfortunately, you keep hearingit for 3:30.

Somehow, it took six people to write this... sort of. Looking up the writer/producer credits, I discovered this was an immediate remix/cover of another song still on the charts; I don't know how the "writing" credits break down between Pitbull's track and the original composition. Nevertheless, nothing this simple should have that many names attached.

Another difficultyI'm having is a lack of Spanish; I don't speak a word, so all I getfrom this song is the neverending chant of “Bon bon bon bon,”which, much like every other aspect of this song, is repeated toooften and for too long. It. Just. Won't. Stop! Please make it stop!

Google Translateseems to imply that this is a Club track, and I can't imagine thissong working in any other way: dance to the beat. You have three anda half minutes of uninterrupted kick drum, and even the bon bon bonsare more percussion than lyrics, so the only thing I can imagineanyone getting from this track is a beat by which to dance.

Beyond that, it'slikely to get stuck in your head the way repetitive children's musicwill lodge itself in the lizard center of your brain. “Bon Bon”is the “I Love You” of dance music; Pitbull is Barney.

One more note beforeI flee from this song forever: the lyrical highlight from GoogleTranslate is “Lady Gaga tell I'm putting together ascandalous manner.”

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Will.i.am - Check It Out

2010-12-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Will.i.am explores new levels of annoying

Will.i.am
Check It Out
Bragging
#66 (LoMid)
Dec 2, 2010
Onika Maraj
William Adams
Geoff Downes
Trevor Horn
Bruce Woolley
Will.i.am

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Before I listenedto this song, I knew two things about Will.i.am: 1) he was in BlackEyed Peas, and is therefore at least partially responsible for theindescribably awful “My Humps” song, and 2) he was in the alsoindescribably awful X-Men spin-off movie. With “Check It Out,”the facts are hinting not so subtly at 3) Will.i.am sucks.

Further researchwould be required to prove point #3, but it's not research I'mwilling to do. I feel this guy's already wasted enough of my time.

I remember a musicteacher, back in the mid 80's, who responded to a kid's question“Will we learn any rap music?” by drawing one bar of music, threenotes, on the blackboard and said “Play that for three minutes.” Sure, he was being an intolerant old bastard who had no respect forthe new stuff (just like his parents had no respect for The Beatles),but he wasn't exactly wrong either: a lot of of early hip hoptracks were built from one loop and didn't offer much variationthrough the song.

As an Outkast fanthat just bought Big Boi's new album, I'm well aware that hip hop'sevolved quite a bit since then-- it's a shame no one told Will.i.am. “Check It Out” is based around a Buggles loop (did they have morethan one song? This is the only one I've ever heard) that seems tohave been scientifically selected for maximum annoyance: not onlywill you be listening to these three chords for the next 4:00, thepunishingly squeaky “oh oh” will keep resurfacing to clap you inthe eardrum.

A talentedwordsmith could make a playground of this, no matter how repetitiveand annoying the music was... but Will.i.am is not that man. Therefrain, for example, is “Check it out, check it out, check it out,check it out,” and the verses have less rhythmic complexity thanJoaquin Phoenix's bumbling hip-hop career relaunch (played for sadlaughs). If Phoenix had been autotuned as much as Will.i.am is here,they'd fit well together on a split EP.

Step up in the party like my name was "that bitch"
all these haters mad because I'm so established
they know I`m a beast yeah I'm a fucking savage
haters you can kill yourself
In my space shuttle and I'm not coming down
I'm a stereo and she's just so monotone
sometimes it's just me and all my bottles all alone
I ain't coming back this time

Lyrically, the songis very simple. It says: Will.i.am and Nicki Minaj both have a lot of detractors, but fuckthe haters, because Will & Nicki are awesome and so is this song. Itdoesn't take much to debunk this hypothesis; hell, I wasn't even ahater until I had to listen to this awful thing. The first versealone (this week's second Nicki Minaj appearance- the song is actually co-credited between the two of them, but Will.i.am has the producer and main writer credits) comes off more like the paranoid ramblings of a tinfoil hatenthusiast than a real rapper firing up a Brag track.

Oh, we just had to kill it
we on the radio hotter than a skillet
we in the club making party people holler
money in the bank means we getting top dollar
I'm a big baller, you a little smaller
step up to my level you need to grow a little taller
I'm a shot caller, get up off my collar
you a chiuaua, I`m a rottweiler

The pre-choruskeeps insisting “I can't believe it, it's so amazing. I can'tbelieve it, this beat is bangin,” almost as if the song keepstelling you how rockin the song is, we're going to give in andeventually agree. Unfortunately, the reason he can't believe thebeat is bangin is because it just isn't. I'm glad it's notthe House Beat of Creative Bankruptcy, but the beat is just a kickpattern (clocking in somewhere between bland and serviceable) and aneverending hand clap on the 2 and 4. What are we supposed to bechecking out again?

And the writing...oh, the writing... “check out” the pains he takes to makeChihuahua rhyme with Rottweiler. Yup, you are a “rot-wallah.” I honestly haven't heard a rapper this bad in a long time: the lyricsare moronic, the rhymes are the worst kind of forced nonsense, therhythm is like listening to a guy counting out the beat, and themelody has been autotuned up from nothing. The lyrics could easilyhave been “One and two and three and four and five and six andseven,” take a breath on the eighth beat, “One and two and threeand four and five and six and seven,” and run it through autotune,and, alright-- track done.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rebuilding

2010-12-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

We're one-for-everything on the keep/delete measure, so I'm thinking that my categories are far too broad. From now on, instead of a binary system, I'm splitting music into three categories. Retconned immediately:

Initially, I really wanted to make a cultural reference, but I just couldn't find a way to make a magnificent trio into something that split into something I loved, was okay with, and hated. Seriously, if you were a great trio (like Groucho, Chico, and Harpo), I loved all of you... the best I could do was Butters, Kyle, and Cartman, and even that was a poor measure.

Over a time, I went back to square one: run, walk, or stay. This should be pretty easy to understand, but let's clarify:

	Stay	I want to stay with this song; this is a cozy tune I will listen to in my normal life, like any song I'd listen to as a normal guy listening to music I love. This is the highest praise I can give.
	Walk	I can walk away. It's not bad... it may even be good, but it's not good enough for me to stay. Even if I appreciate this song, it's not good enough to hang in my headphones for weeks; even if I'm not keen on this tune, it's not so bad as the music that inspires RUN!
	RUN!	Oh please, make it stop. It's hard to believe anyone can listen to music this empty and soulless without being sucked into a terrible void. Your best bet is to run like hell and hope the zombie apocalypse doesn't catch up to you.

I kept trying to make it more fun, but I like Blossom, Bubbles. and Butterercup equally.... and I tried Zim, Dib, and Gaz... Michael, Buster, and GOB... even Team Venture, Sphinx, and The Guild... but I can't actually find a trio where I love one member, am ambivalent about another, and hate the third.

For right now, you're stuck with my arbitrary rating system

Eminem - Love the Way You Lie

2010-12-07T07:54:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

I didn't figure Eminem would have the first Sad Bastard song on the list

Eminem
Love the Way You Lie
Sad Bastard
#33 (HiMid)
Dec 2, 2010
Marshall Mathers
Alexander Grant
Holly Hafferman
Makeba Riddick
Alex da Kid
Makeba Riddick

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

WhileI've never been even a casual fan, I'm not going to deny thatEminem's got talent. As a matter of fact, as the weeks progress andI listen to a wide and random selection of rappers, I'm moreimpressed with his particular skill than I would have been if someonehad played me this track before I heard Wiz Khalifa and Tyga. In the packof Billboard stars, Emimem's absolutely an A-lister.

Regardlessof the rapper's skill, “Love the Way You Lie” isn't a very goodsong. It comes off fairly one-note, with verses in Eminem'ssignature throaty yell, separated by a sad and balladic chorus sungby an un-autotuned Rihanna (hey, looks like she cansing). Lyrically, it plays like a celebrity explaining away his ownheadlines and presence in the national hype machine... an okaynarrative, I suppose, but I'm not really drawn in by it.

Forthe record, I respect Eminem's honesty. No matter what you think ofhis oft-reported behavior or his records, you have to admit he's nota celebrity handled by PR men-- his lyrics truly represent who he isand what he feels. It may be hateful or misogynist, it may be a badcareer move, it may illuminate our image of a childish idiot (animage he's too stubborn to stop perpetuating), but he meant what hesaid when he said it. Since I spend a lot of time complaining aboutpre-processed product being passed off as music, this kind of honestycounts for something. If Eminem's reprehensible, at least he's genuinely reprehensible, andhe's not going to bullshit anyone about it.

You know I know how
To make em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you I'm watchin you we go all out
The club can't even handle me right now

Thissong, then, is the story of the violent relationship told by theviolent man: they were desperately in love once, no one wants to havethat kind of thing turn sour, emotions run high during the screamingmatches and things get out of control. Most anyone who's been in aserious relationship or two has been in the fight this song canevoke... he never physically hurts the girl, but punches the wall andthe guy she's out with (general, violent, jealous guy behavior). Itfeels pretty selfish coming from a guy who made headlines and earnedprobation time for the first verse.

There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Again,I believe Eminem-- this song feels like a public apology, sure, and probably a sincere one-- but it also feels like Sad Bastard selfpity. There are a lot of promises to never do this sort of thingagain, but he's self aware enough to know he's full of shit andhonest enough to tell us. The gestalt of the piece is that love cango bad, fights can get intense, he doesn't mean for things to get outof hand... but they do, they always will, and he's going to getviolent, so what can you do? At least he's sad about it.

Havinga famous domestic abuse victim sing the choruses is kind of an oddchoice, too-- if you're going to have an “I'm sorry I've been sucha violent guy” song and yet have it end with immolating the personyou're apologizing to, why have the sad, soul singer choruscontaining “I love the way it hurts” sung by Rihanna of allpeople?

Eventhough I'm still impressed with Eminem's rhythm and gift for internalrhyme, the song itself is pretty generic: alternating verses andchoruses over (admittedly interesting and well composed) beats laced with mopey acoustics. None of thecleverness displayed in the details from line to line make it intothe structure of the song: nothing ever changes, it just keepssulking sadly along.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Sad Bastard

2010-12-07T03:46:00.000-08:00

Thereis a soft spot in my heart for Sad Bastard music... I generallyassociate it with the hard drinking blues and country guys who wouldbe crying into that glass of whiskey if they knew how to cry (theydon't, of course, so that glass is going to get chucked across theroom as soon as it's empty). That's the genesis of the term-- as astyle category, it's gender neutral and reflective of generalmopeyness.

Trey Songz - Bottoms Up

2010-12-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Not bad. Nice to hear a club track not so interested in boonch boonch boonch

Trey Songz
Bottoms Up
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Dec 2, 2010
Tremaine Neverson
Onika Maraj
Edrick Miles
Tony Scales
Daniel Johnson
Kane Beatz

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Had a busy weekend (just back from Portland), so I'm running a bit late in my writing, but I have been listening to this week's offerings and... yeesh. If last week had some pleasant surprises, this week is overcompensating. No worries, though, because while I agree with Brad Bird's mouthpiece Anton Ego that “the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so,” but I also agree with the statement in Ratatouille that precedes that phrase: negative criticism is fun to write and to read. I love to be pleasantly surprised by the good, but sometimes bad is its own reward.

Pause for snarky retort. I don't disagree. And moving on...

“Bottoms Up,” this week's opening salvo, really isn't bad at all; it's a Club Anthem, sure, but it's not built on the 4-on-the-floor pre-fab beat and has a lot of neat turns in the melody. There's even some counterpoint in there (hey! counterpoint!), and some fun call and response as well:

My vision's blurred (confirmed!)
My words slurred (confirmed!)

It's good to have people that will confirm this type of thing for you.

Since this is a song about drinking in the club, dancing, and appreciating the way the girl is shakin' in them jeans, it's probably not fair to condemn it for having lyrics that are a little on the dumb side. The words are a frame to hang a lot of cool melodies within the slow swagger of a drowsy, euphorically drunk track.

It's a little strange when MC Chris shows up at the end-- I knew he went by MC Pee Pants on Aquateen Hunger Force, but apparently he uses Nicki Minaj as a pseudonym as well. I'm only half kidding; she really sounds like MC Chris, and (like him) she's somewhat endearing but still kind of annoying. Her best attributes are when she steps outside her normal flow and either gets little-bird-dainty (“excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm really such a lady”) or gravelly mean (“double my dosage”), but I think she's the weakest link in this chain.

This song is definitely well done, and I'm all for Trey Songz unseating lesser artists on the charts, but, stepping back to the wider perspective, I just played shows with Absence of Light and Order of the Gash, and crammed my sweaty self into a sold out Kylesa show... this club track really isn't going to capture my attention. Remember: until I fired up this blog, I never listened to big pop acts. One of these radio hits has to be pretty special to get shoulder-to-shoulder with the music in my real life.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

My Darkest Days - Porn Star Dancing

2010-12-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Is anyone surprised that the Nickelback-supported band fails to rock?

My Darkest Days
Porn Star Dancing
Sleaze
#99 (Low)
Nov 25, 2010
Chad Kroeger
Joey Moi
Matt Walst
Ted Bruner
Joey Moi

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

Does no one fucking rock anymore? I suppose I had my hopes up with the band name, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they turned out to be one of those Hot Topic themed bands like Love's Dying Bleeding Love in Dying Bloody Death, or whatever they're called, but this song has Zakk Wylde as a guest guitarist. Even if I never cared for Zakk Wylde, I'm aware that he's an advocate of Rocking... and that's the only time I hear from him: if I read anything Wylde has to say, he's either reflecting on the strength and purity of his rock or disparaging all the girlymen that only pretend to rock (they pale before the power of his awesome rocking!) and should be destroyed.

And yet here we are, listening to the Mighty Rocking Zakk contributing to the sub-basement of post Downward Spiral dance music. I'm not actually going to spend too much time comparing this moronic shit to Nine Inch Nails; it makes me think of a different story...

In the late 60's and early 70's, Alice Cooper wasn't a him but a they-- it was a band name, a Detroit group that hung in the same time and place as the MC5 and The Stooges, but with a psychedelic bent, some baroque instrumental movements, and a tendency for freak out jams. When the band broke up and the lead singer took the name out for his solo act, he did okay for a while, but Alice Cooper was not an A-lister by the mid 80's. Eventually he looked around and saw the rock world was covered in makeup wearing dudes with teased up hair and, since he'd been doing that sort of thing when they were kindergärtners, he said “Move over, kids,” and became a hit again by sounding like Poison. So it goes: Alice's newest album cashes in on his early 70's garage days (so hip now... well, five years ago). It's sort of become a theme: Alice manages to join any trend he helped influence, but he always comes in too late and sounding more derivative of the kids than what he'd originally inspired them with. It doesn't make me love my copies of Easy Action or Love It To Death any less.

Long story not-so-short, the popular rise of Marilyn Manson inspired a me too in Alice (gothic death theatrics! I started that!)... “Porn Star Dancing” sounds like someone in 2010 trying to horn in on Alice Cooper from 2000 trying to compete with the 1996 version Marilyn Manson (which borrowed heavily from the NIN and Ministry push/pull in the early 90's). While I respect that everyone has influences and all artists draw from somewhere, I reserve the right to dislike anything this derivative.

Once again, the devil's in the details-- I can forgive all the derivation in the world for a catchy melody or some energy, fire, or personality, but this song's complete lack of rock doesn't leave me in a very forgiving mood. Throwing a guest solo over the top of the track doesn't do much to cover the fact that this is dance pop; these guys are about as dangerous and rebellious as Pink. It doesn't help any that I've started including writing credits for the music I review, and I find myself unable to ignore the fact a Nickelback collaborator co-wrote this song.

I know that generalizations are the devil (the people who use them should be killed! Every single one of them!), but all right-thinking people hate Nickelback.

Kylie won't kiss my friend Cassandra
Jessica won't play ball
Mandy won't share her friend Miranda
Doesn't anybody live at all?

This may be my punishment for making a joke that I'd like “Strip Me” if it were actually about strippers, ironic penance sent from on high. I suppose “Porn Star Dancing” is more coherent than the Natasha Bedingfield song, because the verses are about girls with standards too high to sleep with this skeezy bastard, or if he could get them interested, he blows it by trying to get the girl to bring a friend (the “doesn't anybody live at all?” line just rubs salt in the wound... listen, guy, it's not because the girls are uptight; it's because you're a slimy douchebag).

Stacy's gonna save herself for marriage
But that's just not my style
She's got a pair that's nice to stare at
But I want girls gone wild

Verse two is the girl who's “saving herself for marriage,” which I'm willing to bet was as honest a refusal of this guy's advances as “I'm a lesbian” or “the leader of my religion won't unlock my chastity belt until I'm 30” or “how many times do I have to tell you to fuck off?” But, hey, she's got a pair that's nice to stare at, brah!

The pole-dancing obsessed chorus, punctuated by reverbed out group chants of “Yeah!” so cheesy they'd have Def Leppard rolling their eyes, is actually sort of depressing: since singer has blown it with every woman in the world, he goes to a strip club, sits right up front, and watches a girl who engages in the titular (ha!) “Porn Star Dancing.” If “a dollar decides how far she'll go,” maybe he should just hire hookers and be done with it. Kylie may not want to kiss Cassandra, but if he's willing to pay their asking price, I'm sure Bambi and Pepper will do whatever he wants.

Gak. This song is my kryptonite, musically and lyrically. It's been a strange week: the “rock” band is the worst thing in the bunch (mostly because it's not rock at all, just hair band lyrics over crappy dance music)... it's well below the quality of the indie pop band and the country starlet.

Typing that made me feel dirty, and I think I need to put on my Black Breath record. (What is it with translucent blue vinyl, lately?)

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Sleaze

2010-11-30T03:49:00.000-08:00

Unlike the Hot Sex genre, Sleaze is less concerned with having sex than with taking pictures of it, or trying to pick up the girls on the other side of the glass at the nudie booth, getting a pair of strippers into a three way, or any other form of sexual expression that is entirely focused on the singer's hedonism and complete shamelessness.

Though I always associate this with glam rockers from L.A, Sleaze no longer owes allegiance to genre (it's another area where hip hop picked up when hair rock faded) or location (if you're ever in Seattle, head up to Capitol Hill and you'll see what I mean).

Plain White T's - Rhythm of Love

2010-11-29T23:56:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Maybe I'm coming down with something... Plain White T's are sounding okay to me, too (or at least giving me very little to complain about)

Plain White T's
Rhythm of Love
Indie
#66 (LoMid)
Nov 25, 2010
Tim Lopez
Ian Kirkpatrick

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

*sniff* It's got an indie pop body, but I'm getting notes of Beatles and Beach Boys, with maybe a The Mamas and the Papas finish. It's got a very 60s nose. I'm not one for the desert whites (I'm usually a shiraz man myself) but for a sweeter wine, this'll do.

I'm certainly learning a lot about perspective through this project. Compared to my record collection, the albums and songs that I truly love, “Rhythm of Love” barely charts: I'd never buy it, and if it were dumped as an MP3 into my hard drive, I'd probably press skip if it popped up in a shuffle. However, compared to a lot of the toxic waste that clutters the Billboard charts, this is a pleasant little tune. If I gave Taylor Swift a pass, I'm duty bound to let Plain White T's through, too.

Again, I'm not keeping this one-- this is on the Delete side of the Keep/Delete scales-- but it easily strides past all of the land mines that blow songs from okay to bad to oh my fucking god. No autotune is a good start, and sounding like a song that was actually written is another; no one will mistake the music for karaoke backing tracks... because... is that a ukulele? It's got some personality, even if it is a little... er... “cute,” I'm willing to say that it's rising above the risible pack for more than just simple competence (and, seriously, competence is enough to outpace most of the songs I've reviewed). It's actually pretty good.

This is a nice singing voice, for starters, with some decent range, and I like the harmonies quite a bit... they sound like they've been sung by a singer, as opposed to plugging someone into the Harmony-O-Matic 2000 and setting it for “Major Chord.” I appreciate the human touch.

I can occasionally go overboard about bad rhymes (I'll let the shock wear off before continuing), but I'm really not that rhyme obsessed. Some of my favorite songs have very rhythmic lyrics that have little to no interest in rhyme... no, but I hate writers who pretzel-bend lyrics to try and force a rhyme, even if there isn't one there, and completely wreck any kind of flow the song might have had. This song opens with “clouds” and “down” not rhyming, but my attention is focused on the charming head-in-the-clouds picture being painted. I find the couplet “I love the view from up here / Warm sun and wind in my ear” more annoying; yes, “ear” and “here” are a stronger rhyme, but I think “wind in my ear” is kind of a clunky lyric that got dropped in for the sake of the rhyme.

That's the exception, though-- the norm is fairly clever, as the song is pretty gracefully executed. The drums come in at the word “drum” in the “my heart beats like a drum” lyric; this is a nice example of prosody, especially given that the drums don't come in on the one. The word is at the end of the line, so prosody demands that the drums enter on the fourth beat of the line. It's not as iconic as “Stop! In the name of love,” but it's well applied and shows some imagination. Ditto dragging out the “slo-mo,” which rhymes with the previous line's “low,” but complete the word “motion” into the next chord. These are all marks of songwriters putting some thought and creativity into their craft, and if it seems like I'm overselling this, go back and listen to the Blake Shelton song. Book ends, folks. Book ends.

I can't really explain the difference between “Rhythm of Love” and a song I would keep-- it's an intangible element within music, and it's part of an incalculable personal taste. I am pretty pleased with my week so far: Taylor Swift was better than I expected, this song was pretty good, and I got to skip out on Glee (yay! I got to skip out on Glee!)

Not a lot to complain about.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Indie

2010-11-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

Remembering that "pop," technically just the abbreviation for popular, has become associated with a musical type, I'm applying Indie in the same way. Since its establishment on the pop charts, the concept of Indie has stopped having anything to do with whether the artist was independent in any way. Indie songs tend toward the precious... you remember them from the soundtrack of Zach Braff's film career (Paul Dano's in those movies these days.)

Taylor Swift - Mine

2010-11-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

If I give Taylor Swift a pass, am I going to hell?

Taylor Swift
Mine
Ballad
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 25, 2010
Taylor Swift
Nathan Chapman
Taylor Swift

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

I think I've pre-judged Taylor Swift too harshly, because this song simply doesn't deserve the bile Rihanna, Taio Cruz, or (ick) Chris Brown warrant. She's actually debuting in the blog with the most palatable entry pop-country has offered me yet... though this might have something to do with it sounding almost nothing like country music. She's a pop star singing pop songs; there's some country in the harmonies, I guess, but there's a reason my genre/style labels are never “Dance” or “Rock” or “Country:” I'm trying to work with what the song actually is, as opposed the rack it calls home at Sam Goody.

My prejudice against Swift was born of all the jokes and causal digs regarding “unicorns and rainbows” lyrics, and I doubt I'll like that song if I hear it. Sure, this is a love song (I'm trying hard not to make that a Genre, because it could swell and consume the entire blog), but it's a story song first and foremost. Screenwriters, take note: it starts by introducing its characters, then it establishes and resolves conflict. I'm not calling Charlie Kaufman on the carpet or anything, but Taylor Swift (or, more likely, the songwriters she keeps locked up in her guest house) cracked a nut in three minutes that Kurt Wimmer's been struggling with for about five films now.

It bothers me a little that I'm stuck caveatting songs that aren't tragically inept and generically machined with “I don't like this song,” but giving “Mine” a Delete tag doesn't mean it's half as bad as “Mama's Song” or “Deuces.” There's some skill in both the writing and performance of this song. There's a line in the chorus, especially, that is pretty impressive: the “a careless man's careful daughter” is an amazing bit of writing economy. One quick line gives us an almost fully realized character, her current state, and her backstory. That's a pretty keen turn of a phrase, right there.

As for performance, I don't detect a hit on autotune on Swift's voice, which is always good. The thing that stands out about her, as I listen to this, is that she actually seems to infuse a bit of personality into the lyrics-- that's not a writer beat, it's the performer. While there are plenty of pop stars on the radio at any given time that can sing on key (or at least seem to), it sounds like Swift is trying to suppress a giggle during the line about “a drawer of my things at your place.” It's the kind of thing that sells a story, the kind of grace note that can't be written on the sheet music.

So... sure, it's a fluffy pop tune, and really not something I'd be anxious to listen to again, but it's done with some talent and skill. I've got to give it some credit.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Ballad

2010-11-27T21:26:00.000-08:00

I'm using the Ballad genre in the traditional sense of a narrative or "story song" instead of the pop shorthand of calling love songs "ballads." I know this conflicts with my definition of Power Ballad, but that's part of the literary cruft that holds this whole thing up. So sue me.

Gwyneth Paltrow - Forget You

2010-11-26T03:57:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Cannibalizing what you're tying to sell as you're selling it. Are you sure that's a good idea?

Gwyneth Paltrow
Forget You
(void)
#11 (High)
Nov 25, 2010
(void)

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

We're not getting a review for my #High slot this week-- instead, this spot is reserved for a music industry rant.

I remember several years back (2001-2003ish) when the record industry was complaining loudly about how their #1 record of the year had sold something like 1/10^th the number of copies that a #1 record would have sold ten years before, and they blamed illegal downloading and pirating for their failing sales. The year's top 10 records, as far as sales were concerned, were largely greatest hits collections of pop star divas and collections of songs from the American Idol crowd-- this is what the big record labels were offering.

Somehow, nearly ten years later, they're still baffled by their failing sales. It hasn't dawned on these clowns that pirates aren't nearly as big a problem as their own personal failure to support, produce, and sell anything that isn't a greatest hits package or collection of cover songs people got to know on television. While the last fifteen years have been a boon to anyone who is willing to look for interesting music (they can find this music directly from the artists, in any genre, by way of independent blogs, internet radio, or even [gak] MySpace), they've been downright funereal for the big record labels, who keep shoveling the same drivel down the public's gullet and wonder why they aren't swallowing as quickly as they used to.

I'm only bringing this up now because, as I stated in post #1, I will not be reviewing anything from the cast of Glee, and I'm standing by that declaration. I'm only going off on my personal rant because Glee's cast is holding the #11 slot this week with Gwyneth Paltrow singing “Forget You,” which is, of course, the polite title of Cee Lo's “Fuck You,” currently at #9 on the charts. My pro-Cee Lo stance is no mystery on this blog, but I have to be equally as vocal about the fact that Cee Lo and Gwyneth Paltrow are now in direct competition on the Billboard top 20, and they're singing the same song. This is precisely the reason big music companies and radio stations are crumbling.

I say: good riddance.

When the companies shilling Music Product fail, music's not going to stop-- hell, music might experience a resurgence when product gets culled from the herd. We can all make and distribute music now, and without the moronic Big Business selling us 15-year-old girl pop... well, that could result in popular music becoming a meritocracy. Imagine that! Between independent labels and completely unsigned musicians publishing themselves online, internet and XM radio, and simple word of mouth, the whole world of pop music would look much like the current world of “underground” music. This probably wouldn't affect Cee Lo in the least, but may possibly devastate Gwyneth Paltrow's career as a soul singer.

One can only hope.

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

2010-11-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Really, is it that hard to make sense?

Natasha Bedingfield
Strip Me
Stand Up
#99 (Low)
Nov 18, 2010
Ryan Tedder
Ryan Tedder

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):
Producer(s):

Compelling title. Is Natasha Bedingfield here to offer something to all the girls tired of stripping to Danzig's “She Rides”? Sadly, no... just a misleading name for the song. I'd probably enjoy the naughtiness implied by the name to the generic anthem we've actually got before us here, too. So far, I think these pop songs are best when they're hedonistic, silly, and over-the-top. I like music that means something, but these label-constructed songs, worked on by teams of writers, passed to a hip producer, and eventually given to a singer in attempts to expand their brand... meaning sounds pretty forced and unnatural coming from them.

From the opening “la la la”s, I knew this wasn't the song for me, but the verses are backed by odd, loping, reverbed-out beats and the vocal melody has unconventional note choi-- wait a minute! Just how badly do you want to be Bjork? Seriously, listen to the line at 1:18 “My heart is like a loudspeak-e-ar” and tell me that not was not sung by someone worships at the altar of the diminutive, Icelandic, and weird.

There are worse artists to steal from-- I'm still giddy it's not another song built from an ancient house music loop CD (“everything you need to start making dance music, now!”)-- but the song descends into a bland and generic neverwhere in its chorus. I would honestly prefer more Bjork theft; these choruses fulfill the plastic lack of inspiration promised by the “la la la”s. I doubt it would be complete without the “oh oh oh”s she layered in there between the endless refrain of “You ain't takin' that from me,” which would be a more accurate title... but I can see why they went with “Strip Me.”

Yes, my prejudice is showing: I really don't like hearing about the La La Las or the Oh Oh Ohs. I had a bad experience with a La La La once, and an Oh Oh Oh just stood there and did nothing! As a result, I'm scarred for life and tend to react badly whenever a song glamorizes either of them. I'm probably going to need a good cry as soon as I'm done with this.

Moving on... the title seems to refer to an identity stripped of ego and fame, but I can't make out if it has any kind of point, or even perspective. We know she fights every day for all of her “future somethings,” but seems against wasting her life “earning things that I don't need, but that's like chasing rainbows.” So she fights for the things but doesn't want to spend a lifetime earning the things she fights for every day and... wait, what? It seems the “things” in question are career advancement and trappings of fame (it's all a bit dodgy), because the chorus focuses on being built up, cut down, and stealing pride... but she'll still be herself. Her exact words are that she'll “just scream,” which seems like a bit of an empty threat, considering the source.

Here's the tricky part: the bridge claims that “it's what you do and what you say that makes you who you are,” which is funny, because what she's done is become a pop star, but what the song says is that she doesn't care about being a pop star. Where does this leave her fighting wars for her future somethings and earning things she doesn't need? These are the things she say she does, but I have no clue what she's saying about the things she says she does... and I don't know what she actually does, other than be famous (which she says isn't important.) After declaring that your words and actions make you what you are, the next line is “Makes you think about it, doesn't it?” Well, yeah, but only because nothing she says makes any sense. I'm so confused.

The bridge ends with “Sometimes it takes only one voice.” Er... to do what, exactly? It's the first this song's offered about anything taking anything to get any result, and there's no hint of what it takes only one voice to accomplish. What are we doing, again? Much like the refrain, where she's “only one voice in a million, but you ain't taking that from me,” and we hear over and over that we're not going to take... what? She's proud to be an anonymous voice in the crowd, and that can never be taken from her?

Except for the fact that she's a pop star on the radio. Maybe the thing we can't take from her is her ability to never make sense... or maybe the one voice in a million refers to the person who wrote the song, whose voice we never actually hear. Or that we can strip Natasha of the people who write songs for her...

I'm giving myself a headache. It must be time to stop: I've already thought about this song more than I should, probably more than anyone ever has, including the people who wrote, recorded, and sang the damned thing, and it hasn't been a terribly rewarding experience.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Stand Up

2010-11-24T01:36:00.001-08:00

These things always show up in popular music: the demand for I Gotta Be Me and You'll Never Keep Me Down is never going to fade. Ironically, the Stand Up songs are very seldom written by the person singing the song and usually sound like they were composed by a Fortune 500 marketing department.

Drake - Fancy

2010-11-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Would it be petty to start conjugating his doing verbs for him?

Drake
Fancy
Ass Kissing
#99 (LoMid)
Nov 18, 2010
MusicRemedy

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

My first time hearing this song, I thought I was in for an interesting, down-tempo bridge at the 2:45 mark... but the song never returns to its starting point. Like Hitchcock's Vertigo (or Mulholand Dr, or Full Metal Jacket), “Fancy” shifts gears at it's half-way point and never looks back. The music shifts to more ambient beats and synths that would sound at home on the Richard D. James Album.

Halfway through, this song gets pretty good.

It's a relief, too, because the first half is almost unbearably annoying. I know hip hop's origins lie in loops (and later, samples), but the synth loop sounds like a kid's failed attempt with My First Sampler™-- it's unpleasant rhythmically, timbrally, and harmonically, and it never... fucking... stops.

Combine that with the chorus that goes on about four times as long as it should: the endless repetition of “Oh, you fancy, huh?” is the least catchy refrain to cross my path in a while, and though there's a brief reprieve when it changes, it's not enough, because they're going to repeat the whole thing over again.

While the Ass Kissing category was for anyone getting sycophantic for any group, every example so far has been guys sucking up to womankind... but “Fancy” is actually the most respectful and complimentary of the bunch: it's all about successful women with brains as well as beauty, the women who don't need you to buy drinks for them, drive nicer cars than the boys, and college graduates with good jobs that might be able to loan a little money to their loser boyfriends. Ironically, the huh of the “Oh, you Fancy, huh?” sounds arrogant and dismissive to me.

I can't say I really dislike this song... I just think it starts badly. It opens with a refrain that bugs me and lousy music, but I think the second half is pretty decent and the song as a whole seems to genuinely respect women. A mixed bag, I guess. Since it splits in the middle, with separate call-outs to Los Angeles and New York girls at the half way point, I wonder if this isn't some exquisite corpse project between east and west coast artists... but I don't see myself spending a lot of time figuring out who, and with what allegiances, worked on which verse.

Last, the “she was fine, like a ticket on the dash” is the silliest pun I've hit so far. I'm not sure if I hate it or love it.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

The Ready Set - Love Like Woe

2010-11-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Quote from the page where I pulled the artist photo:

"omg(: i LOVE THE READY SET thank GOD for JORDAN he is the love of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The Ready Set
Love Like Woe
Kid Pop
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 18, 2010
JSYK

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

Even though I've been doing these reviews, I'm still a pop music hermit. I grab the songs, I listen to them, and I review them, but aside from hearing these songs, I still don't know anything about the media hype that surrounds them. So tell me: is the world awash in “The Ready Set go” jokes? I can't be the first guy that thought of that, because after hearing about 45 seconds of “Love Like Woe,” I think The Ready Set can go get sodomized by an elk.

Like, OMFG, I am waaaaay 2 old 4 this song. From the twee little voice that is meant to charm an audience that isn't me, to the oh-so-popular autotune twitches to every note he hits, to the lyrics about the girl who's a “pretty little windstorm,” a “sunset,” a “shooting star,” this is little girl music that makes Third Eye Blind's “doot do-doot do”s sound like sophisticated, adult writing.

Okay, let's find the picture.

Yup, a boy that looks like a little girl. Well, that's not a surprise... non-threatening is necessary to appeal the the glitter and rainbow crowd. Let's make The Ready Set go play spin-the-bottle with a hand grenade.

Funny thing is that, since it wasn't an artist name, I was expecting a group of some kind... but I'm gullible like that. This is obviously a teen boy pop singer writing songs for middle school girls (I'm sure the seventh grade lousy with Ready Set fans). There's no hint of a band here-- the electric drums, synths, and piano are all programmed-- so if it's a “they” and not a “him,” I can't imagine more diversity than a singer and a producer.

I'm willing to bet the love was “like, woah” originally. The lyrics are dim and annoying, and there's not the slightest hint of woe. I'm not certain the singer is aware of “woe,” but his marketing department was probably keen on it. No woe here, he's more focused on “the timing and the moment all seem so right.” Really? All those things seem right, huh? That's just redundantly redundant, and it's about as eloquent as Scott Stapp. Would you like to take her higher, too?

I suppose the benefit of hearing this song will come to me when it's parodied on the next Weird Al record (it really sounds like something Al would have fun with), but until then, I can't wait to see The Ready Set go to a Nickelodeon music awards show where they get beaten to death by a golf club wielding Willow Smith.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Usher - DJ Got Us Fallin In Love

2010-11-20T13:36:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Damnit Usher, we talked about this...

Usher
DJ Got Us Fallin In Love
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 18, 2010
CurrentHiphop

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

God damn it, Usher, I told you how I felt about this one-- back when it was crowding around the #3 spot (back when I was reviewing #3 as the "high" number Billboard entry), this was the first song I ever skipped. Now it's back, and I don't have a loophole that'll get me out of it this time. I'm blaming you for sticking me with this thing (after your redemptive turn last week).

And why are reviews of your songs directed to you personally? I don't do that for anyone else... not even Cee Lo, and I'm seriously considering buying his album.

The reason I didn't want to review this is not because it's bad, per se, but because it's so damned boring. I was already struggling for something worthy of comment the first time this song popped up... and that was before the last handful of stock techno club anthems. Seriously, what can I say about that ever present drum beat, the stock house chords, etcetera, etcetera? I'm getting bored just trying to list why this is boring.

So remember the last time we talked? I admit that song wasn't brain-bendingly awful, and I have to say I like this song less than that... but, post-Taio Cruz, I know just how lousy these Club Anthems can get so I can't hate this song too much: this song is a standard house-based dance pop song, but in the first verse, when the filter sweeps down on the synth's rhythm chords, it's an indicator that someone did some work on the music. It's still hanging out with the cliché I always complain about, but at least it doesn't sound like you're singing over a royalty free backing track you downloaded on a whim.

Oh-- and you're not fooling anyone: the carpe diem (I suppose it's technically carpe noctem) lyrics about how we all live tonight like there's just right now, keep downin' drinks like there's no tomorrow, and hey... haven't we met before? Dude, she knows you're just trying to get her into bed. You're going to have to search out midwest farm girls if you want to find a lady who hasn't heard that one before, and you're not going to find many in metropolitan dance clubs.

The song actually has some energy and sounds danceable, which is a step up from the lifeless and boring “dance” songs I keep hearing. Pitbull's guest verse is raspy and crunky (he's not Lil Jon or anything, but he's a great change of pace), and, hey: I actually get the “boys get loose like Waka Flocka” reference. For as bored as I am with these songs, this is the best Club Anthem of the bunch so far...

Seriously, though, I don't want to listen to any more dance pop based on decades-dusty house music. Can you please make them all go away?

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Blake Shelton - Who Are You When I'm Not Looking

2010-11-16T22:33:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

And now, the worst rhyme ever sung...

Blake Shelton
Who Are You When I'm Not Looking
Ass Kissing
#99 (Low)
Nov 11, 2010
Earl Bud Lee
John Wiggins
Scott Hendricks

Artist:
Play:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Writer(s):

Producer(s):

When the song starts, I get the immediate impression that Blake Shelton is the countriest dude to come down the pipe so far. The music's not rollicking at all, but it's mopey in a somewhat traditional, cryin' in yer beer way, with weepy pedal steel backing up a pretty straight forward guitar.

Then he sings.

And then I pick myself up off the floor and back the song up, because I missed most of it laughing so hard. For bad rhymes, Taio Cruz has nothing on this guy. He can rhyme “plans” with “dance” all he wants, as long as he's a buffer between me and this chorus:

My oh my, you're so good lookin'
Hold yourself together like a pair of book ends
But I've not tasted all your cookin'
Who are you when I'm not lookin?

I know he rhymes “lookin” with “lookin,” and that usually bugs me. “Lookin” and “cookin” rhyme, sure, but let's go right to line 2, where the laughter starts and just won't stop. What rhymes with “lookin?” I dunno... how about “book ends,” which not only do not rhyme, but also do not hold themselves together, if anyone wants to give Mr. Shelton a refresher course in irony.

Rhyming aside, that refrain is so badly composed, so nonsensical, and so fucking corny... I can't believe he sings it twice in the first 90 seconds of a three minute song. Yes, I get it: the cookin' in question is a metaphor for all the different facets of the woman in the song, but it's a really, really bad metaphor. It's a metaphor that could have been avoided if he didn't feel the need to open with “My oh my, you're so good lookin,” which is lame in its own right.

The rest of the song is basically sucking up to womankind, the best way Blake Shelton knows how: it's got bubble baths, painted nails, and phone calls to mom. It's definitely a song about the Ways of a Woman written by a man, but he's doing his best to show interest and play to the crowd. “You ladies like chocolate, right? Lemme hear it!”

For as bad as this song is, it made me laugh (and laughter is a good thing), and it does have the basic, bedrock quality of not sounding like someone raped country music in a Pro Tools session and handed it to a London producer. Faint praise, sure, but better than no praise at all.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Carrie Underwood - Mama's Song

2010-11-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

I didn't know Jenna Maroney had a mother/daughter song for weddings. Must be a 30 Rock tie-in.

Carrie Underwood
Mama's Song
Marriage Porn
#66 (LoMid)
Nov 11, 2010
Myspace

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

Hey-- isn't this the drum beat from that little keyboard everyone had when we were kids? I keep looking for the button that will switch this song off and play a Hungarian Dance in a tone that has only the tiniest resemblance to a flute, saxophone, or clarinet. That'd be fitting, I guess, for a song that bears only a tiny resemblance to country music.

This is going to be a theme for the pop country stuff, isn't it? These things sound like they're coming through a wormhole, tapped into a radio station playing “adult contemporary” programming 25 years ago. I wonder if they still leave spaces for Aaron Neville's guest verse.

“Mama's Song” is actually pretty funny if you think of it as a comedy bit on 30 Rock, sung by Jenna Maroney as a desperate plea for attention and pandering to audience sympathy. Actually, I'm having a hard time shaking that image: the song's so hokey and ridiculous that it was obviously written by either a genius satirist or an inelegant sap. I guess it's not Values Porn; lyrics about marriage, prayers, babies, good men, and good mamas could qualify, but I think we have to call it Marriage Porn for accuracy.

Some songs are grown in a lab, genetically engineered to serve a single purpose in a particular environment. In the way AC/DC's “Thunderstruck” exists solely for sporting events and Aerosmith's “Amazing” was designed for proms, “Mama's Song” was born to be played at weddings, where it will be serving time forever.

Since I don't have much personal stake in mother/daughter crying, and really can't be sold on weddings, babies, or Sandra Bullock, I have no starting point to begin engaging this song. To me, it sounds like a string of cheesy clichés, strung together over the blandest music imaginable, to earn it a spot in the widest variety of wedding receptions possible.

Maybe we can admire it from a marketing standpoint. (If you're into that kind of thing)

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Marriage Porn

2010-11-15T01:48:00.000-08:00

Pornography is defined as something with no artistic value designed to stimulate lust... so Marriage Porn is dedicated to getting people worked up over marriage. Like Values Porn, it has little on its mind beyond stimulating desire for the lifestyle it's selling-- it's hot and heavy for big white dresses, teary moments, and promises of eternal fidelity.

Usher - Hot Tottie

2010-11-15T00:23:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

At least Usher sounds like he belongs in a club

Usher
Hot Tottie
Hot Sex
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 11, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

Usher! My man! So sorry for bailing on you back in October, but that “DJ Got Us Falling In Love” song had all the same problems Club Anthems I keep slamming up against have: it wasn't just bad, it was boring, and it because it was boringly bad, it was nearly impossible to write about.

Now, after that fucking terrible Taio Cruz song, I'm feeling much more Usher. This is an oasis of songwriting after the desert of suck that was Taio Cruz... but don't get cocky-- I skipped out on you before because that last song had the exact same problems as “Dynamite.” But we aren't listening to that now; now we are listening to “Hot Tottie,” and it's (literally) music to my ears.

Don't get cocky-- this isn't a great song-- but it announces itself right off the bad with massive, imposing bass, almost like it heard me complaining about the wimpiness of my previous “club” tracks. This bass sounds like it's ready to rock a club and get asses out on the floor. I wish I knew why that was so rare, but it's good that someone's got the good sense to make dance music that might actually make people want to dance.

It was actually a nice surprise to find a slinky, sexually charged bit of raunchiness instead of the standard “dance! dance! dance!” nonsense, too. I'm actually appreciating the break from stock club song structure: this tune slides along at a heated growl, and actually has the steamy energy to back its intentions up. Instead of blocky, raver synth and piano stabs arranged as stock pop progressions, we get a darker, minor key fluidity.

Some appreciation has to go to the lyrics, too-- it's kind of clever for the song to be about a bragging woman, and, while you're obviously game to get down to business, it's a little different for the guy to not be the instigator or seducer in these songs. Usually, it's the guy who's making all the claims and talking the girl into bed. I'm not blowing it out of proportion: it's not redefining gender relations or anything, but it's nice to have the story go a little different this time.

Okay, I've got to say it: I fucking hate the autotune. It's even a little worse here than in other songs because of all the soul-style vocal runs... these used to be a badge of a singer's skill, but it doesn't mean anything when it's been pre-programmed. It's just annoying... more annoying than a lot of autotune, and I'm usually pretty annoyed by it.

Also, I think the word is spelled with “d”s, like the California girl group The Hot Toddies. Maybe Billboard got the spelling wrong, idunno, I suppose that's just nit-picking, but... Usher, though I have to thank you for giving me a dance track that doesn't sound like the other generic club songs, and at least sounds like it belongs in a club, I can't say I really like the song.

It is better than so much of the bad I've heard, but being better than bad isn't enough to make me want to listen to it again.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Hot Sex

2010-11-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

This song is all about the fuckin. Pure and simple, the Hot Sex tune is totally focused on how good the fuckin' will be when it happens, why the fuckin' will be good, how good the fuckin' was, and why the fuckin' should be happening right now.

Taio Cruz – Dynamite

2010-11-13T14:50:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Ever wanted to hear someone rhyme "dance" with "plans" over lazily stolen house music? Here's your chance.

Taio Cruz
Dynamite
Club Anthem
#11 (High)
Nov 11, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

The first and most obvious thing I noticed about "Dynamite" was the thuddingly clichéd bad-techno arrangement. How is the world not sick of this yet? I've only been doing this for a few weeks and I'm starting to have weird, Pavlovian negative reinforcement responses to anything that boonch boonch boonchs. I don't want to keep harping on my not hating electronic music (I don't hate dance music! I swear!), but the problem is the lifeless, lazy, boring recycling of the most mundane tropes of a scene that was pretty played out a decade ago.

It wasn't so long ago that music critics were claiming that Rock Is Dead, usually as a caption beneath a picture of the Chemical Brothers or Prodigy. The reason wasn't that the guitar was boring and the synth reigned supreme-- it was that the new electronic guys at the time were sparkling with life and creativity, and the rich and lazy rock gods were... well... they were the ones recycling boring clichés and churning out mundane retreads.

But here I am, listening to Taio Cruz... and it's just so... wimpy. I can't imagine anything this stale actually getting someone on the dance floor.

That's it: I'm writing a letter to Skinny Puppy. Maybe they can save us.

Even if Skinny Puppy came to our rescue and saved dance music from itself (wow-- I live in a really weird fantasy wonderland, don't I?), I don't think they could save Taio from himself. If we stop discussing the things that are always wrong with these songs (autotune, cookie cutter arrangements, boring beats), we're still stuck with the worst lyrics this side of Steve Miller. Observe:

I came to dance
I hit the floor, cause that's my plans
I'm wearing all my favorite brands
Give me some space for both my hands

First, only “hands” and “brands” actually rhyme... and this is not complex stuff. We're not turning interesting lyrical circles here. Trying to make dancing more than one “plan” doesn't actually help the fact that “plans” doesn't rhyme with “dance.” And seriously, your favorite brands? Okay, verse two:

I came to move
Get out the way of me and my crew
I'm in the club so I'm gonna do
Just what [censored] came here to do

Well, “do” and “crew” do actually rhyme, but neither of them even come close to rhyming with “move.” Again, not only are these not tricky lyrics, these are not tough words to rhyme-- find a rhyming dictionary and see what comes up for “move.” Or better yet, “do.”

Apparently, finding something to rhyme with “do” was such a challenge, Taio just gave up and rhymed “do” with... (ugh. too hard to think of a rhyming word) with “do.” That good, right? Brain hurt. No more think of rhyme.

Okay, time for the chorus:

Cause we gon' rock this club
We gon' roll all night
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Cause I told you once
Now I told you twice
We gon' light it up
Like it's dynamite

Beautiful, isn't it? But let's focus on my favorite part of this chorus: the “I told you once, now I told you twice.” This makes no sense... partly because he's only told us once, and has yet to tell us a second time, but also because it is obviously a filler line, with no real meaning of its own, and it still doesn't rhyme with the “rock this club, roll all night” it's supposed to match. This makes no sense: there's no shortage of words to rhyme with “night,” and (let's face it) “I told you once, I told you twice” isn't exactly the lyric holding the song together. Not only does it not make sense and not rhyme, but it also gets more useless as the song goes on: by the second chorus, he hasn't told us once... this is the third time he's telling us.

I've never spent this much time on lyrics before but these are just... so... stupid. I realize that dance music can have bad lyrics and still succeed, but that requires the music to be good (or at least energetic), and that gets us back to the start of this review. That a song this incompetent in every conceivable way is somehow popular kind of blows my hair back.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

An Open Letter to Skinny Puppy

2010-11-13T14:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Sirs,

While I'm aware that Skinny Puppy's reuniting and touring has been a success, I have also heard the side projects (such as Download) where synthesists and programmers stretched out to broader and less commercial horizons. If the cEvin Key and (before he passed) Dwayne Goettel were willing to stretch in the one direction, it's feasible current writing unit within Skinny Puppy could confront the other extreme and create music for some fashionable commercial acts. This would be an amazing benefit to both yourselves and the current climate of popular music today.

Though the history of Skinny Puppy is more abrasive and confrontational than anything likely to be on pop radio, much of the band's music was labeled “industrial disco” and features the heavy, four-on-the-floor dance beat that is currently in fashion in popular music today. Transmuting Skinny Puppy's gifts with synthesizers and original beats would be a boon to an music scene stale with 20-year-old techno clichés.

This may seem like an odd compromise, but remember: writers reap more rewards than singers. The benefits of penning a quality tune for the likes of T.I. or Usher would not only break a generic stranglehold on today's dance music, but also help finance future Skinny Puppy projects.

Thank you for your time,

Eric Charles

Eric Church - Smoke a Little Smoke

2010-11-10T04:32:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Eric Church
Smoke a Little Smoke
Party Anthem
#99 (Low)
Nov 4, 2010
Myspace

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

I have to lead with a flat out statement that I dislike this song, because if I don't, everything point I make is going to sound like praise in the wake of Rascal Flatts. I don't think “Smoke a Little” smoke is a good song, but it is so much less infuriating than “Why Wait” (the only other pop country tune so far) that it can't help but come up on top.

First, it begins with an acoustic guitar... it actually sounds like country when it starts. Of course, it's not country-- it's the same hybrid pop style (with synth flourishes and dance beats) as all the other generic stuff it'll be shuffled in with-- but at least when it starts, my first thought was “Country.”

Second, this song is not going to be endorsed by the Christian Coalition. If it's still light years from Charlie Daniels' “Long Haired Country Boy,” at least it's not Values Porn for them that think pro wrestling and Fox News are real. This is a Party Anthem, plenty proud to drink cheap beer and smoke weed... even though I have a hard time imagining a real good ole' boy drinking and smoking to an overproduced pop song like this.

It tips its hand that this won't be doing anything traditional when the song starts putting in the rhythmic, tempo-locked tremolo on the guitars that originally sounded country-- they start getting “Ana Ng” (or “How Soon Is Now?”) early on-- as the intro establishes itself with one guitar on the left, trading with a guitar on the right, and then a third guitar line in the center that sort of flies in for one little line at the end of each phrase... this thing was obviously just pasted together on a computer.

Through the first verse, until the big electric guitars and synths come in, I suppose this song could pass as the relatively-old-style pop country that Garth Brooks used to sell in the 90s (that's the most backhanded compliment I've ever given), but once all the massive pop production is rolling full speed, it sounds more Steve Winwood than Brooks.

...okay, how much of a descent was that? Didn't I start out with Charlie Daniels?

To back away from the hyperbole precipice, this is a considerably better written and produced song than “Why Wait;” they're both carefully studio-machined pop pieces that have only the remotest resemblance to Country Music, but “Smoke a Little Smoke” actually sounds like it was written by a person, as opposed to an ad agency, two marketing committees, and three months of focus groups.

Not to be shallow, but-- when did the country stars all start looking like hipster douchebags?

And finally-- why is it so hard to find legitimate streaming links for these pop country tunes? There's a "media awareness" joke to be made here, but I want a few more country tunes to come up in my roster before I start poking fun. We'll see how the trends pan out...

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Rascal Flatts - Why Wait?

2010-11-08T23:57:00.000-08:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Rascal Flatts
Why Wait
Values Porn
#66 (LoMid)
Nov 4, 2010
MusicInfo

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

And I thought anything would sound good after Chris Brown...

I actually didn't realize this was supposed to be country until the fiddle snuck in under the music-- with the guitar sound and the big, reverby 80's drums I thought an “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” kind of song had somehow ended up on the charts. Have Tears for Fears or INXS come back into vogue? Oh, wait: violin and a southern accent. This must be what gets played on the country stations.

Trying not to be a hypocrite, I'll admit right now that I have exactly two Johnny Cash albums, one Willie Nelson record, and two out of the three were released after 1990, so I am not a massive authority on country music. I will claim some bluegrass acumen; I've seen John Prine and love Gillian Welch's stuff with David Rawlings (one of my all-time favorite guitarists), but I fully admit: I am not a country boy.

That really shouldn't even figure in, because this is just a pop song. I will give it points for featuring a band (hey! musicians!) and a singer who hasn't been digitized into oblivion, but... somehow that makes it worse for me. I know, I know: I'm a fickle bastard, but it's almost depressing thinking about a group of players physically churning out product. This song isn't better than Nelly's in any measurable way.

From a certain angle, it's worse, because of its Values Porn implications. This fits a niche I've heard in the genre before: it's usually aimed at a very Christian Coalition, Morning in America sort of listener-- church going “old fashioned” folk who believe everything was simpler way back when, and don't believe in pre-marital sex or divorce. Personally, I think it's funny to advertise nostalgia for the Reagan 80's, whose defining feature was nostalgia for the Eisenhower 50's. This song isn't as overt as some, but it's definitely preaching to a choir... and I've had my fill of this preacher and this choir, and I really want them to go away.

So “Why Wait” is basically a marriage proposal, most likely an anthem to many highschool sweethearts who are finding themselves in a family way this year, but it manages to work in not just church, but even the fact that he loves your mamma (how can you not marry this guy?) It's as impersonal a song as any other generic pop tune I've found so far: this isn't a song written by a guy in love, it's a commercial for marriage written by an ad agency.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Values Porn

2010-11-08T01:36:00.000-08:00

Pornography is defined as something with no artistic value designed to stimulate lust... so Values Porn is music with nothing to offer other than it gets the Family Values set frothy over their obsession with current, conservative mores... These are songs written to excite a group of people who live a certain lifestyle.

Chris Brown - Yeah 3x

2010-11-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Chris Brown
Yeah 3x
Club Anthem
#33 (HiMid)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

Seeing Chris Brown return makes me think about how compromised my view of him is. Since I love The Onion and I read The Onion's AVClub (which cares little for celebrity gossip, but finds humor in hubris, spectacle, and larger than life ridiculousness), I can't help but know that Chris Brown plead guilty to domestic abuse, put a backhanded apology video on YouTube, and tends to whine narcissisticly when he catches flak for hitting girls. When I hear a Chris Brown song, it's not just the song: there's a lot of backstory attached.

Putting my distaste for this guy aside, my image of him is basically informed by violence-- blood and bruises. So now that I've listened to two of his songs... why does he sound like such a pussy? “Yeah 3x” is basically the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” but even if I think Pink's attitude is a put-on, she still sounds like she'd kick this guy's ass in front of the club. So does Adam Lambert, guyliner and all, now that I think of it. Hell, Willow Smith sounds more intense than this guy.

And when I say this is the same thing as “Raise Your Glass,” I mean it-- the chorus is “Hold your glasses up, people everywhere, now everybody put your hands in the air. Say: Yeah Yeah Yeah.” I know... pure poetry. And I was starting to worry that put your hands in the air was fading from the limelight-- we've got to thank ole' Chris for keeping that torch burning,

Among other things: Chris Brown is also a revivalist for the Non-Threatening Rap Verse Towards The End Of A Non-Threatening Pop Song, the likes of which I haven't heard since Bobby Brown contributed to the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. Chris Brown's entry (ending with “So DJ turn it loud, and watch me turn it up. Don't worry about it, we here to party, so Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!”) is so moronic I'm actually getting nostalgic for almost-rhymes about Vigo, the master of evil.

I'll be shocked if this guy writes any kind of music; this amazingly bland techno pop is the kind of prefabricated non-music I always complain about, and I'm sure it was handed to him by a producer. There's not a single note sung where his voice isn't autotuned, so, after two songs with Chris Brown, I'm pretty sure he can't sing (or he would have done it by now) and I'm not sure he's demonstrated any skills or talent.

I have been told that Chris Brown is an exceptionally beautiful man... I imagine that's how he got this job. He doesn't seem to do anything: he's a pop singer who can't (or at least doesn't) sing, so I figure he's there to model and pose. That starts to put the violence in perspective, too-- all the whining and egotism from Brown in the wake of his headlines hint that this is not a comfortable guy. I wonder how great the divide is between his self image and his public image.

It probably doesn't matter-- he's got his name on a song that is one of the worst so far. A lot of the songs I've disliked have been generic retreads of techno-pop, but this one is so wimpy and lifeless it even fails at being recycled dance music. I doubt the music took longer than ten minutes to assemble, the lyrics were written by a 3^rd grader, and it's sung by a computer.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair

2010-11-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

Willow Smith
Whip My Hair
Kid Pop
#11 (High)
Nov 4, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

As a responsible adult, I feel it is my duty to make sure everyone knows about the most recent threat to the delicate youth in our community. More dangerous than marijuana, more deviant than sexting... I am referring, of course, to hair-whipping. Respectable members of society cannot walk down the street without seeing these untamed and reckless children whipping their hair around, defying the most precious rule of mature social interaction: Thou Shalt Not Whip Thy Hair.

"Stop whipping your hair back and forth, you crazy kids!" We plead in vain. They continue to whip their hair. It seems to be unstoppable; kids are whipping their hair back and forth on every sidewalk in the nation, sometimes as late as 7:00... even 8:00 at night.

Parents: talk to your children.

I keep going back to “Of course I don't listen to the radio; I'm not a fifteen year-old girl” as I work on this, and “Whip My Hair” provides a fantastic example. I guess it shouldn't be a shock-- we dwell in the Age of Bieber, and kiddie pop is a massive commodity... but it's not being marketed to me, and isn't something anyone old enough to drive should have to listen to. The endless, squeaky repetition of “I whip my hair back and forth” in the chorus is irritating enough to make The Chipmunks sound appealing in comparison.

Billboard lists her as Willow, but it wasn't until I looked down at my MP3 player that I saw that this was in fact Willow Smith-- ah! I vaguely remember hearing about this: she's Will Smith's youngest child, here to further Smith™ brand entertainment and help her family take over the world.

I did see The Karate Kid remake (ironically set in China, and featuring no karate) and I spent the entire movie wishing I could strangle the older Smith kid. Will's son, Jaden, spends the entire movie looking smug... the kind of entitled self-worship that wafts off this little boy seems like it might be his best impression of his dad's trademark, laid back cool, but it's not a very good impression. The kid seems like a prick.

Here, it sounds like Willow is being poised to follow in her father's Nickelodeon-friendly, early career, but this “we ain't doin nuthin wrong, so don't tell me nuthin” posturing is just annoying. I didn't like it when Pink was selling it, but coming from a 10-year-old? The song feels like the Disney-run Dev2.0; music written by adults struggling to find lyrics innocuous enough for parents to purchase and rebellious enough for kids to want it. I'd say the wild and irascible act of whipping one's hair was a poor choice... but I must be wrong, because here it is in the Top 20, so somebody must be buying it.

Musically, this thing sounds... expensive. While there's no pre-fab techno beat here, every sound has been cut by diamonds and coated in platinum. This is not a quickly tossed-off product by a pop machine looking for a quick hit; Smith™ entertainment is looking to establish a brand, and they pulled out all the stops: at any second during this song, something is being echoed, pitch bent, time stretched, filtered, reverberated, doubled, or otherwise made to sparkle.

No Means No - Live!

The result is nothing short of obnoxious: the music is inhuman, the voice is a prepubescent chirp, the lyrics are idiotic, and the chorus will make any adult want to punch a wall. Adults surviving this track-- we all need to listen to aging Canadian punks as soon as possible. My gift to you: grownups.

I do worry about the Smith children and the existential crisis that looms in their future-- Normally, the children of celebrities have a tough time, and the norm for child stars is... well... I guess "bleak" is the word. The Smith children are members of both camps: theses are now child stars whose famous parents are propping them up in the public eye. I'm actually hoping they don't get eaten by the Fame Monster in the next few years... no matter how cocky they seem as gradeschoolers, I don't think anyone wants to see kids crash and burn.

RUN!

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Kid Pop

2010-11-04T01:34:00.000-07:00

These songs obviously weren't meant for adults. Kid Pop aims to relate squarely with a pre-high school audience and could easily be considered novelty songs.

Recalibrating

2010-11-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

Well, the #3 spot is kind of a pain: the top of the charts is pretty static and doesn't move around much... so I'm re-picking my numbers. Originally, I just thought I'd move #3 up, but the whole system was lacking balance, so let's try #11, #33, #66, and #99. I'm hoping 11 is far enough down to be dynamic.

Since all the numbers have changed (and may change again), I'm tagging/labeling these things by their relative position. I know my nerdy engineering side is showing, but from the top of the charts down I'm calling these High (#11), HiMid (#33), LoMid (#66), and Low (#99). There-- fixed; if I have to change numbers again, at least posts will stay consistent.

...and I wanted to pick the numbers before the Billboard site updated, and with any luck Taylor Swift will be out of #11 next week. Oh please god, no Taylor Swift.

T.I. - Got Your Back

2010-11-02T02:09:00.000-07:00

Fairly important: the formatting on this post goes to hell in most feeds, and it will be best read at ericonthecharts.blogspot.com

T.I.
Got Your Back
Ass Kissing
#99 (Low)
Oct 28, 2010
DJBooth

Artist:
Song:
Style:
Billboard:
Week of:
Play:

He'll go to church with you
and then visit your mom

Huh. T.I's a kiss-ass. Who woulda thought?

“Got Your Back” is somewhere between that groveling stand-up guy who proclaims “women are smarter than men” to his audience to win approval and the easy sketch comedy bit about the perfect boyfriend who loves to hang out with the lady's mother, watch Oprah, and take dance lessons together.

Maybe T.I's making up for Wiz Khalifa's casual misogyny, but I don't know if he needs to be stroking the female ego this hard-- he comes across as the hero in his own romance novel. Maybe he should re-think his promotional photos and go with something a little more book-cover Fabio... because, seriously: “We front row at fashion shows as well as sunday morning service.” He left out the part where he makes her breakfast in bed and does the dishes after.

Like the other songs this week, no one's using stock beats-- musically, this is a more thoughtful piece than something that raids the europop handbook-- but that lead synth sounds like the Casio my little sister had when she was 8. So: points for actually doing something with the music... points off for it not sounding very good.

One thing that stands out over the course of this song is T.I's skill with rhythm and rhyme: this guy is clever and unconventional, stacking rhymes within and throughout lines, having the rhythmic payoff hit a beat later than you'd expect; it's my first time listening to him, but it's pretty easy to tell that this guy has some chops.

It's a little sad that this song is so damned cheesy, though. It's hard to listen to anyone pander this shamelessly.

Walk

Stay with the song, walk away, or run like hell:

Genre: Ass Kissing

2010-11-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, an artist will kiss ass. Ass Kissing songs pander to, suck up to, and otherwise belittle themselves before a group or issue they desperately hope to win the favor of. This happens every time an artist writes a song about the style in which they write (such as metalheads writing metal songs about how great metal is to win the favor of the metalheads who listen to metal), but also includes any song that sucks up to a particular group.